I was in my office marking some class exercises when she walked in. My first thought of her was “Wow! She is beautiful.” I didn’t know who she was but I greeted her with my best smile and offered her a seat. “You’re welcome, how may I help you?” “I am the sister of Jesse, one of your students. We are helping him choose secondary schools as the BECE registration is ongoing. That’s why I’m here. You are his teacher so I am hoping to get some guidance from you on schools that would be a good fit.” 

She spoke so eloquently. I was smitten there and then by her but I composed myself and appeared nonchalant. “Why don’t we start with some boys’ schools?” I recommended. She responded, “Are you saying that because you attended boys’ school?” I was surprised “How did you know that about me?” She laughed “Jesse talks about you all the time.” By the time our meeting was over we were friends.

I wasn’t in any rush to make my move on her so I stayed her friend for a couple of years. It was after I was sure that I knew her well enough to spend the rest of my life with her that I proposed marriage to her. I didn’t think it was necessary to waste any more time dating. She also confessed that she had feelings for me. “I have been waiting for you to shoot your shot all these years. I am glad that you finally did it.” From that moment I started calling her more often than before. We texted all the time too. Whenever I got the chance I visited her. One day I visited her in Kumasi where she was pursuing further studies. When I got there I met a gentleman with her. She introduced us to each other, “Meet your akonta.” Akonta means brother-in-law. The guy and I both smiled and shook hands. I thought he was related to her so I did things to impress him. I spoke to him at length on social and political issues, in an attempt to flaunt my intelligence. 

On another visit to her house, she inadvertently referred to me as Ansah instead of my name, Boakye. “Why did you call me another man’s name? Who is he?” I demanded. She flared up, “It was a slip of tongue. Haven’t you ever made that mistake before? Or is there something you are trying to accuse me of?” I didn’t understand how someone so beautiful and poised like her could possess that kind of anger. It was my first time seeing her like that and it concerned me. However I made excuses for her, “No one is perfect. Her behaviour only makes her human. It was my fault for provoking her.” With that, I let things go. 

Later along the line, I learned that the gentleman I met at her school was in no way related to her. He is someone she had a romantic relationship. Ansah, the guy whose name she addressed me with, was also someone she was involved with. She only agreed to be with me because of my marriage proposal. I confronted her and also reported to her mom. It was at this point I realized that her mom was fully aware of the other men in her life. All this time she welcomed me and warmed up to me, she was hiding her daughter’s indiscretions from me. I was furious, hurt, and felt foolish – a cocktail of emotions I didn’t want to deal with. I suppose that is why I didn’t walk away from her that very instant. I was not ready to let her go just yet.  That is why I forgave her when she came to apologize and promised to be faithful to me going forward. 

When preparations for our marriage were getting closer, my mother called. “Boakye, I have been praying a lot about this marriage. And I don’t have a good feeling about it. Are you sure she is the right woman for you?” I told her “Mama, it’s normal for you to be concerned about me getting married. You’re probably worried that she won’t take care of me as you do, and that’s true. No one can. But rest your mind, she is everything I want in a woman. Things will turn out right, you’ll see.” Honestly, I wasn’t as confident as I sounded to my mother. But I felt we were too far gone with preparations to allow any room for doubts. My lady and I pushed through until we eventually had our court wedding. 

Due to our careers, I lived in Accra while she lived in Sunyani. The long-distance was difficult but we tried to make it work. We had our first child, a beautiful girl, shortly after we married. As time went on I noticed a level of closeness between my wife and our mutual friend, Davis. They were so close that he became the third party in our marriage. He lived near Sunyani so they spent a lot of time together. Whenever I called my wife, she would say things like; “I saw Davis today.” “Davis did this for us.” “Davis said something funny when we spoke on the phone.” I asked her one day, “Don’t you think you’re spending too much time with Davis? I know he is your friend but you are a married woman now. Draw some boundaries.” She apologized and told me she would limit their interactions. I believed her.

 One day she told me she was going to the hospital. Later I found out that she was with Davis the entire time. When I confronted her it turned into a big fight over the phone. She accused me of trying to control her. As if that wasn’t enough she reported me to her parents. They also called me and insulted me mercilessly. Some of the insults extended to my mother; “After everything your mother did, trying to use her witchcraft to prevent this marriage from happening, you want to take away our daughter’s freedom? Just because you married someone does not mean you own them. Why should you be monitoring her movements?” After that time I realized that I had bitten more than I could swallow. I saw a fire with my eyes but I walked into it. Who in their right minds would do this? 

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Things in my marriage went from bad to worse after that. One day during an argument, my wife threatened to stab me with a knife. Another time she said “I will drive you to end your own life. And I will make available the things you would use to do it. And don’t even think about leaving me, because I am pregnant again.” I wasn’t even sure the pregnancy was mine but I couldn’t say anything. She was my wife and I didn’t have solid proof of her infidelity. I stood by her through the pregnancy and gave her everything she needed. When the child was born, he looked like a duplicate of our mutual friend, Davis. It gave me all the proof I needed to file for a divorce. 

It took twenty months for the marriage to finally be dissolved. It dragged on for so long because she didn’t want to accept that our marriage was over. Friends and family called me to work out our issues but I refused. They were not in the fire with me. They were not the ones getting burned by betrayal and emotional abuse. I had had enough and I sought to free myself from her clutches. The day the divorce was finalized I almost wept. Tears of joy. 

After the divorce, a lady friend of my ex-wife approached me, “Boakye we all felt bad for you when we heard that you were getting married to Ewura. Everyone knew that Davis was her boyfriend. How did you not know?” That encounter made me realize that I was indeed foolish to ignore all the red flags I saw before we got married. 

Anyway, it’s all over now. I am sharing my story hoping it will advise everyone here not to discard red flags in relationships. It gets worse, not better. 

–Boakye

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