Ever since my relationship with Robert ended, I haven’t been the same. I am an introvert. I have always been like this. As much as I love my solitude, I used to light up with hope at the thought of finding true love. I knew and hoped that a day would come when I would have to open up my life to someone else. The thought thrilled me. I had an image of the kind of man I would give my heart to. In my fantasy, he was a perfect gentleman. A man whose values aligned with mine.

Then I met Robert. He seemed like everything I wanted in a man at first. That was what swept me off my feet. It was a few years ago. I was at that university at that time; young and naïve. You could tell me he hung the moon and I would believe it.

As someone who was raised in a Christian home, there were things I swore I wouldn’t do with a man until we were married. Robert pretended he held the same principles as well. Nonetheless, he got into my head somehow. He convinced me that people do these things when they are in love and that it was alright. My love for him blinded me. I believe my low self-esteem also had a part to play in my own mess. I felt I had to go out of my comfort zone to do things to please him in order to be worthy of his love.

I didn’t terminate pregnancy for him or even get pregnant in the first place. But I still did unspeakable things with him that haunt me to this day. When I realized how far deep I was going I tried to leave him. Anytime I tried he would tell me, “Where will you go? Who will even want you? I’m the only man for you. You will always come to me.” I don’t know why I believed him.

It took a lot of strength for me to claw my way out of his life. And when I did, I had to strive so hard to get over him. After all these years, he is back saying he is sorry. He says he wants me back but there’s no way I am going back to that hell of a relationship.

My problem is, my self-esteem has still not been restored. Even my spiritual life has not fully recovered. I have even become insecure when it comes to my body. I can’t believe that a relationship that ended four years ago still has this much impact on me. It has even affected my interest in love.

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There was a certain guy I almost had a thing with but that one ended before it could begin because of my insecurities from the past. Since then I have become indifferent to relationships altogether. I just want to be in my room, doing my thing.

I’m already an introvert but now I have become antisocial. I know it’s not good to be like this but I don’t care. Recently, two guys showed interest in me. They seemed like decent guys but they all reminded me of Robert. The one whose proposal I wanted to accept asked me to move in with him just because he lived too far away from me. When I refused, he tried to make me feel guilty about it. I recognized the red flag instantly and turned him down.

He Got Me Pregnant And Also Got His Ex Pregnant

I find myself in a place where I don’t think relationships are worth it anymore. I have become happier and more at peace with myself being alone. When I think about it, I have come to accept that I am better off without a man. And I don’t want to trade my singlehood for anything.

I am wondering if it’s a bad thing to feel this way. Are there people who are so content with being alone that they shy away from prospective love interests? I know I can’t fight love if it finds me but I have no interest in it. I hope it leaves me alone, honestly.

— Sal

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