Four years ago, I lost my husband when I was pregnant with our first child. It was all so sudden. He didn’t fall sick. It was not an accident. One moment he was here, and the next moment he was gone. It’s a miracle I didn’t lose our baby out of shock. I went through a roller coaster of emotions. A part of me was consumed with grief while another part felt gratitude that I carried his seed in my womb.

While I was dealing with the confusion and shock of losing the man I was so sure I would journey through life with, society lashed me with judgments. I never thought life as a widow came with a lot of stigma until I found myself in these shoes. 

My in-laws asked questions I didn’t have answers to. So they neglected me. His friends and the people who knew us also had their questions. The fact that my husband died mysteriously had them treating me like I was a problem for being alive.

It was hard but I tried my best to live my life in a way that would honour my husband’s memory. However, when I had the baby I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to have peace from external voices. Most importantly, I didn’t want whatever people thought of me to interfere with my child’s growth. 

So I applied for a transfer from my workplace. Luckily, they were already planning to transfer me to another city. “We figured you might need a fresh start,” they said. I was more than happy when they told me everything was ready for me to move. 

About a year into my stay at this new place, I ran into a man in town. I didn’t know him but he mentioned my name. When he saw the look on my face he said, “Don’t be surprised that I know you. Someone close to you told me you had moved to my town. She told me to look out for you.” When I asked who he was he said, “I hope to be a friend. And I want you to know that I am deeply sorry for your loss.” Then he gave me his number to call him. It was quite a strange encounter. 

I asked a few of my friends but none of them seemed to know what I was talking about. So I got curious and called this man. After we got the hellos out of the way I asked him, “Please who are you?” That’s how our conversations began.

Every time we spoke, he would sound so sympathetic. He always asked how I was doing. He would ask questions about the child too. “How are you coping with everything? It’s just the two of you. I know it must be hard.” Then he would tell me not to hesitate to reach out if I needed anything. “I am always here for you. Don’t forget that,” he would emphasize. 

As time went on, his care and support went beyond words. He started visiting constantly to check up on us. When he came, he brought along foodstuff. Sometimes if he couldn’t come see us, he would send us money. Other times too he sent the foodstuff to us. 

On one of his visits, he said; “My wife wants to meet you. I have been talking to her about you.” I didn’t object. If anything, I hoped we would get along well so we would be friends.

I found some time and took my child along to visit them. Just as I hoped, the woman and I liked each other immediately. We vibed so well that she jokingly said, “Eii madam, you are too beautiful to be a widow.” We all laughed about it and went on to have more interesting conversations.

After the visit, the woman called me. “I think my husband likes you,” she said, “he doesn’t go a day without checking up on you. Be careful how you encourage his attention.” I didn’t think much of what she said. I know wives tend to read meaning into things even if they have no proof. So I took it as one of those. 

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Well, I had a rude awakening when this man sent me a message somewhere in the middle of November declaring his love for me. When I didn’t respond to the message he showed up at my house to tell me, “I mean what I said. Every time I see you I am overcome by this strong feeling. And I know it’s love.” I felt very uncomfortable about the whole thing so I sent him away.  

Unfortunately, his wife saw the message on his phone. Instead of dealing with her husband, she started insulting me. I didn’t engage her. I just blocked her. I blocked her husband too. While I felt gratitude for all the ways he was there for me, I wanted my peace of mind.

I Accepted His Proposal When I Hadn’t Met Him Physically


Despite everything that happened, this man visited us on my birthday, which was in December. He brought me some presents. We ended up talking about the whole thing about his feelings, and his wife’s reaction to the message. I don’t know how it happened but things got out of hand. We made love. 

It was a mistake. I keep telling myself it should never have happened. I don’t want it to happen again. But here lies the case where I can’t stop thinking about him. I didn’t even like him like that to start with. So I don’t want to feel this way about him at all. He is married. I know his wife. I can’t go down this rabbit hole. Please what can I do to forget about him and move on with my life? 

— Dede

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