I am writing in response to the story of the young man who spoke of his “addiction” — his struggle with lusting after women’s cleavage. Mine is like his, but worse.

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It started in 2012. I had just finished high school at the time. One night, my aunt came to visit, and we stayed up late watching TV. She had the remote she kept flipping through the channels. Then she accidentally stumbled on a blue film.

“Ahh! These white people are terrible,” she muttered, and quickly changed the channel.

It was just a brief moment but the image stuck with me. Before I knew it, I was instantly and disturbingly drawn to both the woman and the man I had seen on the screen.

That night, I played with myself with their image in my mind. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I couldn’t stop after that one time. Every once in a while, I would get a strong sexual urge. Then I would think about the couple on TV and get my satisfaction.

With limited access to such films, my mind began wandering toward the people around me. Men and women. I would sit and imagine nasty things about my female friend and my male ones too. All just to get some relief. As time passed, it became uncontrollable.

Then something strange started happening.

I would look someone in the eye while talking, but it felt like I had two other eyes — eyes that automatically scanned a woman’s cleavage or focused on the zipper of a man’s trousers. I became extremely uncomfortable around people because of this.

The worst part was that every time it happened, they seemed to sense it. They would pull away from me, and look at me differently. I would also get angry at them for dressing indecently and triggering this weakness in me.

If I sat between a man and a woman — I couldn’t escape it. One moment I’d be trying to focus; the next, those unwanted eyes would be fixated either on the woman’s chest or the man’s groin. No matter how I twisted or turned, I couldn’t unsee it. It was like a spirit, desperate to feed, while I used every ounce of strength to push it back.

Even traveling abroad didn’t help. I left hoping for a fresh start. In the end, I returned broken and more miserable than when I left.

In the new country, people would like me at first, interviews would start well, but then the battle would start again. My eyes would betray me. I’d begin gasping for breath, trying to resist those other eyes staring at my interviewer’s private parts. This cost me so many jobs and job opportunities.

The last job I lost broke me completely. That’s why I packed my bags and returned to Cameroon.

My boss, who loved wearing tight joggers, walked into the shop one day wearing an especially snug pair. I fought with everything in me, but the “thing” overwhelmed me. Before I knew it, I was ogling him down there. The next day, he fired me for reasons I knew were just an excuse. I saw it coming.

I didn’t have the spine to continue leaving in that country anymore, so I returned home. No one knows why things didn’t work out for me.

Now that I am home, I am working a job at a small company with more than 60 employees. I can say that I am the loneliest person among them all. I have no friends during break hours, and no one to hang out with during staff events.

This problem of mine has driven both men and women away from me. When I walk into a room, people scatter. If we meet by chance, they make sure to keep their distance. The rejection is real. At one point, they stopped greeting me completely.

My only safe spaces now are my home, my place of prayer, and my desk at work.

The young man said he wears dark glasses to manage it. My question is, for how long? Many employers won’t allow it. It’s always seen as arrogance.

So I’ve become a one-woman scout. No friends. No one takes pictures with me. It’s been a painfully lonely journey, but I’ve had to develop a thick skin. I dress well, I smell good, I mind my business. Even that too is often misread as pride but I don’t mind. I don’t mind them though. Only I know the demons I am battling. So I do what I need to do to keep them at bay.

When I attend gatherings, I sit at the back and bury my head in my phone just to escape the isolation.

The good news is that the solitude has become an advantage. I won’t, fall into sin with anyone.

READ ALSO: An Open Letter To My Inner Self

The Word of God has been my comfort. As I read it more, that raw attraction is slowly fading. Nonetheless, I still hope for the day when it will disappear completely.

So to those who talk about “self-control,” let me say — it’s not just that. This is spiritual. We are all fighting battles, but this one is deadly. It destroys your image before destiny helpers. It brings you shame.

The only way out is through prayer, and trusting God for healing and strength.

This is why I thank God for his mercies. Despite my struggles, I have a partner. He has blessed me with a man who has become more than ten friends to me. It is my hope that I will be free of this affliction very soon.

— Mary

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