I was head over heels in love with Cappy. I am not just using a cliche phrase to describe my love for this guy. No, I really didn’t apply logic when he was involved. In our story, I was never blinded to the red flags. Everything about this guy’s lifestyle was a glaring red banner. Maybe that was what made me stay with him regardless. The fact that he did not hide who he was even though it made him a social deviant. 

I knew he liked to drink and party hard. I knew about his smoking habits. He did other forms of drugs that I often saw. This was who he was and I chose to love him in spite of it. Of course, I didn’t set out to fall in love with a man like him. 

As a little girl, I dreamed of falling in love with a man who was gentle, sweet, and charming. But at nineteen, it was Cappy I found myself loving. I tried to fight my feelings for him at first but it hit me like a storm. I just couldn’t help myself. His substance abuse problem aside, the guy was also in a cult. All of this did not kill my feelings for him. Indeed, the heart wants what it wants. 

 Along the line, I found out he was still seeing his baby mama. You would think I would draw the line there but I did not. The lady even called and threatened me. “I heard you are the one snatching my man,” she said, “If you know what’s good for you, stay away from him.” After her warning, my mother also did her best to get me to end the relationship. None of it worked. I was too in love to listen to anyone. 

Last year, I finally got the chance to further my studies. My stay in school put distance between us. I believe that distance gave me clarity. The more I thought about my future the more it dawned on me that there was no place for Cappy in it. His life was the exact opposite of the kind of life I wanted for myself. 

Even after that realization, I couldn’t break up with him. It was too difficult for me to walk away because he was all my heart wanted. So I started doing it slowly. I chose to withdraw from him until we completely drifted apart. He noticed the changes and complained but I chose to stick to my plan. Eventually, he got tired of my attitude and left me. I was twenty-one then.

After him, I moved on to another guy who was in my life. Unlike Cappy, this new guy fit into my dream. He doesn’t do drugs or have a baby mama who threatens me. He often advised me when it came to school and life in general. I liked that about him. His generosity was also part of his charm. He knew how to spoil me with gifts once in a while. 

No one is perfect, so I am not saying my new man is perfect. He also has some traits I don’t like. When it comes to communication, he is not consistent. He is always busy doing this or that. It is a struggle to get some attention from him. 

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He would go for days without texting me, and not see anything wrong with it. I would have to text him and complain before he would say sorry. I have tried to make it work but I felt the relationship was one-sided. I know if he wanted to talk to me regularly, he would. He just wasn’t putting in the effort to do it. 

Another thing was that he never told me he loved me. One day I asked him, “Do you even love me?” He responded, “I care about you. It’s just that I have been hurt in the past so I am not ready for love. But I have feelings for you.” This response hurt my feelings. It was at that point I decided I was tired of the breadcrumbs. So I sent him a breakup message. 

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I expected him to fight for me to stay but his only response was, “If that’s your decision then that’s fine.” I ended up picking a fight with him over it and he gave me the excuse; “My mind is hot. I have been in debt for weeks now. That’s why I don’t want to indulge in your drama.” I shouldn’t have been surprised that my feelings were drama to him. The signs were there all along. 

Now, my problem is Cappy. He has been begging me to take him back ever since he left me. I had also been ignoring him till now. He says he is a changed man. He is ready to do better with his life. His vices aside, this guy knew how to make me feel loved and wanted. That is why I am wondering if I should give him one more chance. Or if I should just move on with my life and forget about these two men. 

— Cher

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