I Have A Baby With Him But His Family Is Not Aware Of Our Existence

When I first met him he was broken. He looked like someone who was battling a lot of demons he carefully hid between sweet smiles and a charming personality. I saw through his mask, I believed. I had a thing for broken men back then. So I always identified them. And each time I found one of such men, I felt compelled to open up my heart and heal them somehow with my light. That’s why I was drawn to Richard like a moth to a flame.

The first time we spoke we were among our colleagues at work. Technically, they were his colleagues. I was just a national service person who had unpopular opinions that ruffled the feathers of the men at my workplace. That day someone made a comment that there was nothing like marital rape. I tried to stay out of the discussion but one of the men pulled me in. I made an argument about how consent should not be taken lightly, even in marriage.

After I finished talking, Richard smiled at me and asked, “Are you a feminist? Because you sound like one.” He said it as if he was accusing me of doing something bad. I smiled back and said, “Yes, I am.” So he delved into the concept of creation and how feminism is not biblical. The story he told of creation reminded me of the SDA church so I asked if he went to church there. And he said yes. After we finished our heated argument about feminism and patriarchy, he took my number. That’s how we became friends.

I had a boyfriend at the time so I had no interest in him. He would come by my office during lunchtime and ask me to have lunch with him. If he was too busy to go out for lunch, he would give me money to get lunch for the two of us so we eat in his office. Sometimes after work, he would walk me home. We would talk about spirituality, the universe, God, and relationships. I was new in the town so his friendship meant a great deal to me.

One evening after work, he asked that we have dinner together. I was mostly broke so I never turned down his offer to buy me food. That day he told me about his troubles with his family. He said they were giving him pressure to marry a girl he didn’t love. He looked pained. I asked him a series of questions about the girl. He said he dated her out of pity because she is an orphan. And he helped her through school and took care of her until she became financially independent.

He introduced her to his family as a result of this. But the thought of marrying her made him miserable so he broke up with her. However, his father refused to accept that he spent all that money on the girl and wouldn’t marry her. Besides, they feel he wasted her time so he owed her marriage. He said, “Now, we’ve broken up but our families insist we have to work out our problems. My father said love doesn’t matter in marriage but I don’t want to be unhappy for the rest of my life because I married the wrong woman.”

I felt sad for him, but I didn’t know how to specifically advise him. At one point, I told him to own his choice and stand up to his family, but he said he couldn’t. He sounded as if he was afraid of his father. So I told him, “If you are afraid to take a stand then marry the girl and make it work.” He looked sadly at me and asked, “So you are siding with the people who want me to be miserable? I thought you were my friend.” I just shrugged and said, “At your age, you should know what you want.” As we were talking, phone calls were coming in from his parents but he refused to pick up. That day I told him to pray about it, and that I would also pray for him.

Weeks went by, and he told me he wouldn’t marry the girl. He claimed he was happy with his choice and I was happy for him as well. My boyfriend came to town and I introduced them. They got along well but the rapport ended after they parted ways.

Two weeks after my boyfriend left town, we got into a big fight and broke up. Richard was there for me. He expected me to cry and mope around but I didn’t. He said that made him more concerned because I could be hiding my pain with bright smiles. So he spent a lot of time with me after work and on weekends. Sometimes he would come to my place. Other times too I would go to his place.

During one of our hangouts, he kissed me. It took me by surprise but I liked it so I kissed him back. After that, we had a lengthy conversation. He said he liked me and that he would want us to be together. He said he liked the fact that I am unapologetic and honest about the way I live my life. “I want you to influence me with your fiery spirit.” That day he even talked about how happy he would be if we got married. I liked him too so I agreed to date him. As for the marriage part, I asked that we take things slow.

He was so sure I was the one for him. By then he was planning to travel outside the country so he suggested we try and travel together. I am not so obsessed with leaving Ghana so I took his plans lightly. I just wanted us to enjoy and explore what we had.

Things were good between us. We always had long conversations when we were together. And eventually, we had shuperu. It wasn’t great but it wasn’t bad either. It was just fine. And I didn’t mind.

My only problem with him was his insistence that we keep our relationship a secret. He didn’t even want his colleagues to know that we were together. When they asked him about us, he told them that we were friends. When I complained he said, “My family is still giving me pressure about my ex so I want to handle them first. When I do that, you will see how I will flaunt you.”

By and by, my national service ended and I got a job in the town, which gave us more time to explore our relationship. We are both introverts so we barely argued. However, he had a habit of ghosting me whenever he felt overwhelmed by his family’s pressures. I complained about this several times but he wouldn’t change. He said he deals with stress by disappearing. I even broke up with him at some point but we got back together.

After a while, he stopped talking about the future and became distant. He started making preparations to travel outside the country. I didn’t have money to start the process so I didn’t bother. And when I asked if he told his family about us, he would say; “The way they are still hung up on that girl, it will take time before they accept you. Unless we leave the country. That way they won’t interfere with our lives.” The whole thing started to feel off. Every time I see him, I would become anxious. I think my heart was telling me something was wrong but I was too blinded by love to see it.

About a month to his supposed travel date he told me, “I don’t think we can have a future together. We have too many ideological differences. You are a feminist, while I am against feminism. You don’t attend SDA so my family won’t accept you. And there’s the issue of your tribe. They won’t allow me to marry an Ewe woman.” I asked him, “At what point did you realize that these things were a deal breaker for you? Because right from the moment we spoke, you knew I am a feminist, an Ewe woman, and I don’t attend your church. You said it wasn’t going to be a problem so why is it a problem now?” He couldn’t talk. Needless to say our relationship ended there and then.

That month my period delayed. I wasn’t bothered because we always used protection. After a whole week, it didn’t come. So I decided to take a test just to rule out pregnancy. It was positive. We weren’t talking at the time so I took a photo of the test kit and sent it to him. His response was, “You just want me to do something so you will say I am a bad person.” I was shocked but I refused to be bullied.

Honestly, I thought about getting rid of it but later I decided I would keep it. This guy showed me his pay slip and said he was in debt because of his travel plans so I should get rid of it. I refused. He cried. He tried to be aggressive. He even tried emotional blackmail but none of it worked. I even blocked him when I realized he wouldn’t stop bothering me.

Later, he came to accept my decision and told me he would support me in the best way possible. I had to move back home to be with my family. He couldn’t travel either. And truly, he supported us financially. But we argued all the time about the fact that he refused to tell his family about the pregnancy. He said it would ruin his reputation.

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When he came to introduce himself to my family, he brought a chief he claimed was his uncle. There were some other people he said were his cousins. When they asked about his parents, he said they were sick so they couldn’t travel. Later, I found out the people he brought were his friend’s family and not his. I didn’t want to cause drama with my family so I didn’t say anything to them.

At the baby’s naming ceremony, he came with his friend. He said his family was stuck in traffic. They didn’t show up until the ceremony ended and he left. When I confronted him he said he wasn’t ready to tell his family about the baby yet. I asked him, “What is so wrong with me that you are ashamed to tell your family that you have a child with me? Or are you married?” He said he wasn’t married, and that I wouldn’t understand if he explained his situation.

We Agreed To Be Friends With Benefit | Silent Beads

My sisters know what is going on, but the rest of my family doesn’t. They would just rub it in my face that I have a baby out of wedlock. And I don’t need that right now so I can’t tell them. One of my sisters advised that I go and look for the family myself and let them know about the child. I have not met his people before but I know enough about them to trace them. I know where his siblings work, and I have found all of them on Facebook. I just haven’t initiated contact with any of them yet. My other sister says I should leave him to do what he wants as long as he supports us financially.

At this point, I am working and I contribute three times more to our child’s upkeep than he does. So I am certain I can raise the baby without his money. So I have decided to just block him and tell the baby he is dead. He doesn’t know where I currently live so he won’t be able to find us if he doesn’t hear from us. Will I be right to do this? Or should I go and find his family and introduce the baby to them?

—Mawuena