I recently came out of a toxic marriage after a year of back and forth when it came to our separation. My wife did everything to show she didn’t want the marriage, but she wouldn’t also let me go. It took a lot of strength and determination for me to finally walk away from that toxic environment.

She didn’t give up easily though. We went through a series of back and forth for a whole year before the marriage ended.

When it did, I shed tears. That’s how relieved I felt to be free of her. I told myself I wasn’t going to rush into anything until I was completely healed. So I haven’t started actively dating yet.

However, I have been talking to a few people here and there. That’s why I am here this morning. I didn’t know how much the dating scene has changed until now. And all I can ask is, “What’s going on out here?”

I have met many women who are in committed relationships. Some are engaged to be married. Others have gone as far as planning their wedding and fixed a date. I know for a fact that these women are deeply in love with the men in their lives.

So imagine how alarmed I felt when these women proposed to have a sexual relationship with me. “No strings attached,” they said. The first time it happened I asked the lady, “Why do you want to be friends with benefits with me when you have a man?” She answered, “I am lonely.”

The fact that she is not the only lonely woman out there looking for satisfaction outside her relationship is shocking to me, chale.

So I want to ask my guys, what are we doing? Your women love you and trust you wholeheartedly. I know that if they got what they wanted from you they wouldn’t look at other men. But you don’t even give them time. They are so lonely.

It appears some of you only call your women once every two or three days. When they complain you tell them, “I am busy with work.” Really? I am a man so I know that no one is that busy.

Let me tell you about one lady. She’s been in a relationship for four years and is currently planning her wedding. She proposed that we have a “no strings attached” arrangement. I told her, “I love myself too much to waste my time on an arrangement as such.” This lady broke down and started crying.

She said that in the few months we’d been chatting, she felt less lonely. We talk on video calls sometimes but it’s all friendship. She said those calls gave her a sense of companionship that her fiancé never gave her. “I am not ready to go back to that isolated life.” The thing is, she is not lying.

I’d call or text her to check up on her, even while at work, and ask if her man had reached out. To my surprise, most of the time, he hadn’t. Some guys will call their partners in the morning before work, and that’s it. By 9:00 PM they disappear. No text, no calls. Nothing. Is that how you men do it these days?

Also to my ladies, if you’re not happy in your relationship why are you holding on? Why lock yourself into something just because you don’t want to admit that things aren’t what they used to be? If the guy you fell in love with has changed, then you should know it’s time to leave.

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Let me give you one piece of advice, nobody is that busy. During my lunch break, it takes me three to five seconds to type, “How are you? How’s work going? Just checking in. I will reach out later.” How hard is that?

Now, I won’t lie to you. When I needed to take care of my sexual needs, I gave some of these women what they wanted. But the moment they want to turn it into something serious, I walk away. I know I am not truly the one they want. It’s just the attention they are enjoying.

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This just tells me that if my fellow men paid more attention to their women, other men wouldn’t be in the picture to start with. So guys, let’s do better.

As for my ladies, stop settling for relationships that don’t bring you fulfillment. There are men out there who will give you exactly what you are looking for. You just have to be patient.

— Joe

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