The Wednesday before his wedding, I was lying on the cold floor in my room begging my heart to stop aching. “I will do anything, give anything to stop this pain,” I thought out loud. I know Josh stabbed me in the back when he chose to marry another woman instead of me. But that stab was metaphorical, so why does it feel like there is a literal knife sticking out of my chest?

While I lay there playing over the events of the past few days in my head, I heard a knock on my door. I ignored it at first. I was in no mood for company. “Knock knock,” came the sound again. I told myself, “Maybe if I lie here quietly, the person will think that I am not at home, and then they will leave.” I was wrong. Whoever it was, was determined to break my door as if it would summon me to my doorstep.

I tucked my heavy heart away in my chest, cleaned up my tear-soaked face, wore the most casual smile I could afford, and then went to open my door. Of course, it was him. The devil himself was standing on my doorstep wearing the mask of a defeated warrior. Who was he trying to deceive? For some reason, I wasn’t acting like my usual self. By that I mean, I should have started screaming the moment I saw his annoying face. I should have thrown something at him and chased him out like an unwelcome goat. But surprisingly, I was calm.

Perhaps I was too exhausted from crying my heart out. Maybe that was why I stood there watching him as he fumbled to find the right words to apologize to me. “Please,” he pleaded, “ What can I do to compensate you? I know I cannot undo the hurt I caused but let me give you something to soothe the pain.” I felt insulted, “What do you think you are doing? Do you think you can buy my tears with your money?” He said he didn’t mean to hurt me.

“I tried to break up with her,” he swore. He said he came for me because they were having problems. He didn’t think those problems could be resolved so he broke up with her. Each time he ended the relationship, she refused to accept it. That was why he was going along with the two of us hoping to end up with me, but she didn’t let him leave. Of course, I knew they were all lies. Something he told himself so it would look like he didn’t have a choice. And now he was trying to trade those lies for my forgiveness.

When he finished talking, I calmly told him, “Now that you’ve finished saying what you came here to say, leave. I don’t want to see your face anywhere near me again. Don’t let me hear your voice or sniff your scent. The wind shouldn’t even whisper your name to me. If you know what’s good for you, you will completely disappear from my life.” I watched as he walked away with his head bowed in shame. Whether he truly felt bad about his actions or it was all an act, it’s up to him.

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I have blocked him everywhere so he has no way of contacting me. Now, it’s his sister who calls to beg for my forgiveness. They were all in on it. His parents too. When he introduced me to them, they welcomed me as one of them. They were always nice to me. I thought I had found a loving family that would soon be my in-laws. Yet they didn’t have the courtesy to tell me that their son had another woman he was more likely to marry. Every time I visited them they must have thought, “What a foolish girl. She is about to be left.”

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Because I haven’t accepted any compensation or caused any drama, they are thinking I am secretly brewing something to hurt Josh. Me? I have no desire to do him harm. My soul is too pure to even think of such. I don’t want anything from him either. I just wish him well. I pray everything goes well in his marriage.

Contrary to what his family thinks, I don’t hate him. I just want him and his entire relatives to stay very far away from me and if possible, forget our paths ever crossed. He didn’t answer when I asked why he came in for me knowing that he had someone else. I asked if he was ever going to tell me or if he wanted me to find out on his wedding day. I guess it’s the nature of men. They’re just mean for no reason. I’m taking everything a step at a time and healing as the day goes by. It’s hard but I’m okay.

—Izzy

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