It took me twenty-two years to finally connect with my dad’s family. Growing up, I was fatherless. I kept asking my mother questions. “Where is my father?” “Where is his family?” She never gave any clear answers to point me in the right direction.

Eventually, I decided to take it upon myself to find him. It took me four years of searching. I didn’t know where to start so I began on Facebook. I would type his surname and go through the list of suggested people, trying to match the information on their profiles with the little information I knew about my dad and his people.

It took me four years of Facebook searching to finally find them. Then it took me another four years to get a response from one of my dad’s sisters. This happened three months ago. After we spoke for the first time, she told her other siblings and my grandma about my existence.

Father’s family didn’t waste time. They contacted me and asked me some questions about myself. At the end of the conversation, they asked, “Can you come and visit us?”

Even though many of the family members, including my dad, live outside the country, I managed to meet my grandma, one aunty, and a cousin. My cousin was so nice to me. He made me feel completely at home. I even forgot that although we were related, we were practically strangers.

When I met my grandma she asked, “Where have you been all these years?” I told her about my mother and narrated the story of my search. She didn’t doubt me one bit. In fact, she looked at me and said, “You are definitely one of us. You look like us.” That was it. They just embraced me and became my family.

Since that encounter, I started visiting them often. I went mostly on weekends to see my cousin and grandma. My aunty who lives outside the country also kept in touch. Some times she even sent me money when I didn’t ask.

Meeting my father’s side of the family has been good for me. All of a sudden I have gotten some kind of closure I didn’t know I was looking for. I didn’t think I felt lost before but now I know I feel grounded.

My mother raised me as a single mother. I have kept her updated about the details of my search for my father and his people. She seemed very supportive to me. However, someone close to her told me everything is not as it seems.

It looks like she is starting to feel uncomfortable about the fast rate at which I am getting close to my father’s people. I understand her worries. She complained to her friend that after struggling to raise me all these years, all I could do was throw myself at that family.

I was hurt to know she felt my need to connect with the other side of the family tree is a betrayal to her.

I am told that ideally, it is my father’s family who should have reached out to her. And as tradition demands, they would have to fulfil other obligations and formally claim me.

Another issue is that my dad’s family hasn’t even informed my father about me yet. According to my grandma, her son is headstrong so it would take her quite some time to figure out how to tell him about my existence.

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When I sat down and analyzed the whole thing I felt my mother was right. These people haven’t even bothered to find out where I live. They haven’t asked questions about my childhood or how life is treating me currently. They just seem to enjoy me coming to their house all the time. According to them, “Now that we’ve found you, it’s important to stay in touch so we don’t lose the relationship we are building.”

Well, recently I texted my aunt, the one who checks up on me the most. I told her how I felt about our reunion. “I have been taught that the family has to claim me formally. My father needs to know I have reached out, and tradition must be fulfilled for my mother to be compensated in some way.”

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I added that I put myself in my mother’s shoes and I understand that it must be painful for her to see me try to bond with them when she’s been the only present parent in my life all these years. “Please, we can’t continue going the way we are until the family steps up and fulfill all the formalities,” I concluded.

After I sent that message I stopped visiting their house. I want to see if my absence will dawn on them to do what needs to be done. Do you think I made the right decision? I am worried that they might take it wrongly. Especially, the aunt I sent the message to. Her only response to my message was, “Okay.”  I haven’t heard from her since then. Did I ruin things with them in an attempt to seek compensation for my mother?

— Foriwa

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