I’ve been in a committed relationship with this woman for almost four years now. By most measures, she has been an exceptional partner. Yes, I acknowledge that she is not perfect. But her good traits outweigh the little flaws. That’s why I make accommodations for them. I mean if she can accept me with all my imperfections, then why shouldn’t I do the same for her?

She is a social butterfly. Wherever there are people, she wants to be there. Left alone, she is the type who would attend social gatherings every single day. But she can’t afford to do that. So she goes out on Saturdays. Considering that I am not much of the outing type, I get uncomfortable about her lifestyle sometimes. However, I had to accept that it’s who she is.

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Another thing I have also found concerning about her is the fact that she has never worked since I have known her. It’s not as if she doesn’t have the qualifications or prospects. She has a degree but it’s just sitting in her drawer collecting dust.

I know that not everyone is interested in working a 9 to 5 job. Usually, the ones like that, who don’t want to be employed like to make their own money. They go into some form of entrepreneurship.

You would think my girlfriend would do the same but her case is different. She doesn’t apply for jobs and neither does she have any interest in doing something for herself. Sometimes I wonder how she feels comfortable going through life with no income. It bothered me but I couldn’t have forced her to do anything she didn’t want to do.

Now, the one thing I am struggling to accept about her has nothing to do with her social lifestyle or her disinterest in earning her own money. Almost every year, I find evidence of her engaging in casual conversations with her ex-boyfriends.

All the times I confronted her about these conversations she would innocently say, “I am not the one who reached out. He is the one who said he wanted to talk. Should I have ignored him?” Usually, the nature of these conversations is not sexual or amorous in any way. So I just let it go.

About a year ago, I stumbled upon an exchange that unsettled me. It was with an ex who is much older than her. I am not exaggerating. The man is almost three times her age. They were talking about taking a trip to Ivory Coast. He was the one who invited her to go with him. She didn’t say yes but neither did she say no. When I confronted her, she hissed and with a dismissive tone said, “These are empty words. I wouldn’t have gone anywhere with him and he knew it.” She sounded very convincing so I let it go.

Just last week, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. I don’t know why but I asked her, “Are you still in touch with any of your exes?” She denied it at first but later said, “Oh I talk to Kofi but it’s nothing. He only checks up on me from time to time.” This time around, her words sounded hollow.

She thought I believed her but I didn’t. That’s how two years ago I found a man calling her at odd hours. She said he was just a friend but later I found out he was her ex. I got the same tone and feeling with this Kofi she mentioned too. But I played along.

Last night, we planned to meet at our regular pub. She was running late so I got there before her. On my way, I called her but her number was busy at exactly 9 PM. When I finally got to her, she said she had been talking to a female friend—a houseguest staying with her. Something about the explanation didn’t sit right with me but said nothing.

When she arrived, we exchanged pleasantries, had a light conversation, and shared an embrace. Then, on impulse, I asked for her phone. She hesitated but eventually handed it over. I checked the call log. The discrepancy was immediate. She hadn’t been speaking with a friend. She was talking to her ex, Kofi.

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I asked her to open their chat. At first, she complied. But as I scanned their messages, she suddenly locked her phone, declaring that I was no longer allowed to read their messages. Then came the dramatics. She started offering me explanations I didn’t ask for. She even tried to pick a fight with me for not trusting her. I just watched her and said nothing.

From the brief look I took at their chat, there is no concrete evidence that she did anything with him. But their conversation made one thing clear—they were in regular contact. They exchanged personal updates and even photographs with a level of familiarity that should not exist between exes if proper boundaries had been set.

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That was enough grounds for me to break up with her. I put up with one or two things but I won’t allow myself to be disrespected by someone who does not uphold the boundaries a relationship demands.

She has been begging me to take her back but I am not sure anything would change if I do that. She will continue talking to her exes and I will keep feeling disrespected. Or am I the one overthinking things here?

—James 

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