At my age, I can’t boast of one successful relationship under my belt. It isn’t that I have never been in a relationship. I have been in a series of them but none ever came close to marriage. It’s not the men’s fault. I am the one who ruins things with my own hands. It’s either that or I set myself up to be disappointed by going for someone who cannot commit to me. 

The first boy I loved was everything I dreamed of. He was sweet, kind, and devilishly handsome. Although we were young he spoke often of the future. I loved him but his talks of our future always gave me anxiety. Soon enough, I lost feelings for him. I tried to stay anyway but eventually, I walked away without giving him a reason. He was hurt but I was so selfish that I didn’t care. Years after that breakup, I still apologize to him when we talk and he brings it up. He is married with kids now so he is fine.  

I don’t want to go on and on about the other men who came after him. The stories were similar throughout. If a man I agreed to be with spoke of marriage, I would panic and feel pressured. This means I start plotting my escape before the relationship even makes it to six months old. 

Presently, I am with a farmer I met when I was at the lowest point of my life. He was there for me as a friend. I didn’t think he had any interest in me beyond that so I allowed him to get close. I didn’t talk to him about my problems but somehow he helped me work through them by just being present. A simple text from him brought light to my heart. The text doesn’t need to have meaning. The effect is in seeing his name pop up on my screen. It told me that I was on his mind, and that alone was everything to me.

At that point, I was sure that I was not ready for a relationship. So I had been single for three years. The plan was to take my time and work on my issues before I’d try loving another man again. I explained everything to the farmer when he asked why I was single. He was single too. He told me, “I am enjoying my life as a single man. I don’t want it to change.” This only gave me more room to be myself as his friend. 

One day we were spending time together when things got heated. We knew crossing the line would change things between us but we talked about it and agreed that we would handle the outcome together. It was supposed to be just that one time but now we are in a relationship. We’ve been together for two years now. 

He has dictated the pace of our relationship right from the beginning. I didn’t notice it at first but now I do. I was perfectly fine when it was just sex. But then he started talking about love. “Don’t you want more than what we have?” I did but I was scared. What if the past repeats itself and I lose interest when he gets serious?

He was quite persistent with the love thing until I bought into it. We redefined our relationship and became an actual couple. He has other jobs alongside farming so he is usually busy. Regardless, he always made time to see me. Sometimes we would even visit his farm together if he wanted to kill two birds with one stone. He called me every night before he went to bed. If he didn’t call, I would call. 

Now I am here analyzing some changes in our relationship. It started last month but it’s drastic enough for me to conclude he doesn’t want me anymore. If that’s not the case then there is someone new in the picture so his attention is divided. I understand these things happen. After all, the human emotion is fickle. 

So I tried to have a conversation with him about the changes. “If you’ve lost interest in me or you feel the relationship has run its course, we can end things amicably.” His response was, “Where is this coming from?” He made me feel it was all in my head and that nothing had changed.

These days, I have to ask to see him before I see him. Even with that, he would make himself unavailable for a while before he’d show up. I barely get him on the phone. We don’t have meaningful conversations via text anymore. You would think we just text to stay in touch. As for phone calls, it’s once or twice a week now. When we talk for a few minutes he would tell me, “My mother is calling. Let me talk to her and call you back.” I have pointed these things out to him but his excuse is that he has taken on a new project so he is busy.

The fact that he is all of a sudden too busy for me is all I need to know he lost interest in me. I don’t talk or complain about the changes anymore. It would only make me seem desperate. The plan is to walk away if it continues. That’s why I am here sharing my story.

I have a history of walking away from relationships when I feel it no longer serves my interest. I didn’t know better when I was younger but I understand now that it’s selfish and inconsiderate of the other person’s feelings. So I have been trying to work on it. This is where you come in. 

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Although my intuition tells me I am now in this alone, I feel terrible when I think about ending things with him. All of a sudden I start thinking about all the ways he was there for me. 

I tend to sink into depression every now and then. When I do, he sticks around until I am better. A year ago, I lost some money to a business deal gone wrong. He stepped in to cushion me financially until I got back on my feet. Just around that time too my rent expired, he gave me money to renew it. I tried to pay him back when I recovered but he said it was a gift.

Men Don’t Like It When Women Do The Paying

When I think about these things I ask myself if I am being ungrateful should I walk away. I mean the changes only started last month. What if indeed, he has been busy and it’s all in my head? I even started doing things so he would be pushed to end the relationship if that’s what he wants but he doesn’t seem to notice them.

My question is, is it normal for things to just go flat in a relationship without any probable cause? The love goes to sleep and the spark disappears? Or I should start walking toward the door before I get hurt?

— Tilly

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