We were on our second date talking about our lives when he asked me about my family. I told him, “My mom passed away. After she was gone, my father married again so I was largely raised by my stepmother.” He asked, “Is she the stereotypical stepmother? Those ones who take their stepchildren to hell and back?” I laughed. “Oh, not at all. We are really close. You wouldn’t know she is my stepmother until we tell you.” I told him about my profession, nursing. I told him about the challenges and the joys that come along with the job. When it was his turn to talk he said, “I have a child with my ex.” I was surprised to hear that but I kept my composure. He continued, “Don’t worry about my ex. She’s not going to be a problem in our relationship so you have no reason to worry at all.”
He spoke about the many bad times they’ve had together and the final straw that broke his back. Everything he said about his ex was horrible. There was not a single thing his ex-girlfriend did well. In my mind, I said, “If the relationship was this bad then I can be assured that there is no way he would go back to her.”
I believed him. There was something genuine about the way he went about the whole explanation. There were certain expressions from him that made me sympathize with him on the way his ex-girlfriend treated him.
Their baby is only six-months-old yet my boyfriend goes for her and takes her to his house. He tells me, “I went for her so I can spend time with her. I need to bond with her. I don’t want to be absent in her life.” That sounds like a noble intention and I don’t have issues with that. My only problem is this guy doesn’t know anything about babies. He doesn’t know what to do when a baby cries. He doesn’t know how to change diapers or even give the right ration of food to a baby. Because of this, he only goes for the baby when he knows I’ll be coming over to his place.
His idea of bonding with the child is picking up the baby on his shoulders and taking selfies with her. That’s all. When he is done, he hands the baby over to me and I have to babysit till he decides to take her back to her mother.
That’s not what worries me the most. It’s the kind of things he says when we are having a conversation about the baby that triggers my insecurity. One day he told me, “You were raised well by your stepmother so being a stepmother is in your blood. You are a natural stepmother.”
Not too long ago, he made another version of the same statement. He said, “Your nursing profession makes you a good candidate to take good care of this baby.”
When he makes such comments, it makes me feel like he is with me because I am a nanny material and not because I’m a marriage material. If he has to give me yards, he would rather give me nanny yards than think of giving me marriage yards. That hurts. It also confuses me as to where I fit in his life.
Once he goes for the baby, his ex would call frequently to check up on them and how well they are doing together. When the mother of the baby calls, my boyfriend will put his finger on his lips to shush me so his baby mama wouldn’t know there is a woman with them. If it’s a video call they are doing, he makes sure to adjust the phone in a way that I wouldn’t accidentally appear in the frame. As if all that isn’t enough, when he is taking the baby back to his ex and he needs someone to hold her while he drives, he wouldn’t ask me to do it. Instead, he would call his friend and go with him so the friend can help hold the baby.
All these red flags are pushing me to develop trust issues. I don’t trust whatever is going on between him and his baby mama. Everything he does makes me feel like he is just using me as a caretaker of his child. I’m more of a nanny than a woman he loves to be with.
So, I decided to take a step back from him and watch what happens when I’m not available to take care of the baby. The other day he called to tell me, “I am going for my daughter so I can spend some time with her. Would you come over?” I answered, “No I’m not coming around today. I have some friends I have to meet.”
I didn’t have any plans that day but I called some friends. We later met somewhere and had fun. I was out with my friends when he texted me; “Plans changed, didn’t go for the baby.” I shook my head and whispered to myself, “I knew you wouldn’t go for her.”
Not too long afterward he called again to tell me, “I’m spending time with the baby today, will you come around?” I told him I was in the middle of my laundry work so I wouldn’t be able to see them. That day too he didn’t go for the baby. It has happened on a few more occasions after that. He calls me about spending time with the baby and I tell him I’m busy. He cancels plans anytime I make myself unavailable. My suspicions have been confirmed and it really hurts my feelings that a man I love is only interested in my nanny capabilities than the love I have for him.
I don’t want to leave yet. I want to talk to him about it. I want to have a deeper conversation with him to get my message across. I have a feeling he would bring up my stepmother. He will try to tell me I was raised by my stepmother so it shouldn’t be difficult for me to raise another woman’s child. To me, both situations are different. My dad didn’t marry my stepmother because he was looking for a woman to take care of his child. If anything, my maternal uncles didn’t let me stay with her until they were sure she is a good person. Here is the case, my boyfriend cancels his plans to spend time with his own child when I am not available to babysit.
READ ALSO: My Husband Is Making It Almost Impossible For Us To Have Another Child
He is just using me. It’s obvious. He is also unreasonably possessive. He constantly goes through my phone asking me to block people he thinks might be a threat to the relationship yet he won’t let me touch his phone. I am not interested in whatever he is hiding, I just believe in fairness. If he is going through my phone, I should be able to go through his phone too. Isn’t there a saying that “He who comes to equity must come with clean hands?”
This guy would go through my group chats with my girlfriends and say very offensive things about them. When I complain he would say “I am protecting you from bad friends.” I just want to be happy with my man without the imposed responsibilities of taking care of his baby. I could also do without his constant monitoring and obsession with my phone.
I want to talk to him about how his behavior is affecting my interest in the relationship but I don’t know how to go about it. I don’t know how to have difficult conversations like this. I could literally be in a situation that is killing me but I wouldn’t speak up or ask for help. When I am forced to speak, I do it with too much emotion and then end up blowing things out of proportion. In the end, I become the villain in everyone’s books.
It’s the reason I’m sharing this story so you can suggest rational ways for me to communicate my displeasure without being misunderstood. I don’t want him to think that I am leaving because he has a child, no. If I would leave, I would leave because he sees me as a babysitter and not a girl who deserves to be loved.
–Venus
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My sister, it is obvious that this man is not interested in you and will only make your life a misery should you make the mistake of marrying him. He is clearly very much in love with his ex and for all you know he only goes for the child so he can remain relevant to her. It’s a pity but you are better off cutting your losses and moving on.
Please the red flags are clear so u better back off before it’s too late.For all u may know he will lie to nd u might believe him and in the end u will suffer. so I will advice u leave that relationship
You are very wise, eventhough I am a guy , I find his red flags to be an issue . If he doesn’t allow you to go through his phone , then there’s nothing good about him sister , I know he is still sleeping with the supposed Baby Mama or there are other women he sleeps with before he met you . Either ways , I would not advice you to be in a relationships like this . Please run !!!
You need to take a firm decision, stop allowing yourself to be trampled by a man. The more you let things slide, the more stupid they will see you. Nobody wants to marry a dumb person cos it will rub off on the offspring and this guy doesn’t see you as someone sensible that’s why you’re his baby’s nanny. He’s very manipulative and so he checks your phone but wouldn’t let you check his. There’s no EX anywhere, that’s his girlfriend and they’re still together reasons why he hides you from her. He respects and values her more than he does you. Be bold and speak your mind about any issue stealing your peace. This relationship is not healthy, quit now before it gets late. The earlier you borrow self respect and add to your name the better else people not just men will keep trampling on you just because it’s you and you allow it.
You don’t need to discuss with him, just end the relationship, count your losses and move on
It doesn’t have to be a face-to-face conversation. You could write him your feelings via some app as a starter. Don’t be in a hurry to leave, perhaps he didn’t get over the ex before meeting you. Manage it will and you could be the winner.