I’d experienced two failed relationships before I met Yaw. I was skeptical of him but he won my heart slowly. He supported me in his own way throughout my university studies. It was one of those relationships where you both know where you are heading without actually talking about it. From all indications, we were in too deep with each other and we would spend the rest of our lives together but we never actually discussed settling down.

At some point, it seemed he was not as sure about me as I was about him. Even at that point, my mind never thought of a breakup but one day, out of nowhere he said, “Let’s break up.” I thought it was a joke. We didn’t fight or quarrel. He didn’t catch me cheating and I didn’t catch him looking at another girl. He just woke up one morning and decided he didn’t want me anymore, and that was it. How could something this beautiful and calm come to an end just like that? I tried to stop him from leaving. My efforts didn’t work. I asked my siblings and my close friends to talk to him on my behalf. He didn’t listen to anyone. He made his decision and he stuck to it. I realized I was fighting a losing battle so I put down my apology armor and decided to move on too.

It wasn’t easy for me but I had to learn to let him go bit by bit each day. I went around looking for someone to replace him. I couldn’t find anyone who understood me the way he did. I kept looking for traces of him in the men who approached me. I searched their faces for resemblance. I listened to them laugh just to see if their laughter sounded like him. I wondered if they could speak the language of my soul the way he did. I grieved what I lost with him for weeks and it affected my job.

My friends and family came to my aid when the going got tough. They helped me get back on my feet. When I healed completely, I decided to stay off relationships for a while but my friends wouldn’t hear of it. They told me, “You are not getting any younger. Very soon, you’ll have to settle down with someone. You have to date someone before you can get to that point. The earlier you start, the better. You just have to be very cautious out there.”

I took their advice and entered the dating arena again but this time, with a guarded heart. I went out with a couple of guys but I never really saw myself committing to any of them. My experience with Yaw had marred me. I couldn’t just be in the moment with anyone.

Everything changed in December 2019 when I met this man while going about my duties at work. We started talking and getting close to each other. He had a beaming ring on his finger but that didn’t count for anything. “I don’t date married men.” That had been my mantra since I came of age but there was something about this particular married man that drew me to him like a moth to a flame. He is so caring and fun to be with. A day spent with him is like a second. I told myself, “I’m only enjoying his company and nothing else. I won’t get involved with him because he is married.” But each day came with something new, something that sought to sway my mind away from my mantra.

I didn’t know how and when it happened. By the time I realized, we were dating. Not just dating but I was deeply in love with him. I often asked myself, “What changed? How on earth did I fall in love with a married man? What kind of mess is this?” I will tell you. It was the kind of mess I enjoyed and later felt very bad about it. At the initial stages of our love affair, I couldn’t even go to church. The guilt ate into my skin. I couldn’t even pray without my mind playing the guilt song to me. I told him, “Promise me this. That all this will come to an end one day when I meet someone I love and have a future with.”

And then one day Yaw came crawling back into my life.

He came smelling of regrets. He apologized for what happened. How he left me when I needed him the most and how he didn’t listen to me when I pleaded for him to stay. He went around apologizing to my siblings and close friends for not listening to them when they tried to talk him out of leaving. He was doing the most to get me back and guess what, I fell back into his arms again. We always had that strong connection so it was easy for us to pick up where we left off.

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He is more mature now than he was when we were together. He talks about settling down with me as soon as possible and everything he does shows that he is ready to settle down. I spoke to the married man in my life. I said, “My ex is back in my life. He didn’t come to play this time. He came ready to settle down with me. As we discussed some time ago, I think the day has come for us to end this thing that we have.” He said “Oh that’s good. I’m happy for you but you have to be careful with him this time around. Test the waters before you dive in.”

That’s all I wanted. To come to an agreeable end. To part without a fight. To have the opportunity to switch from loving a married man to loving someone I can call my own.

I broke up with him but it looks like matters of the heart aren’t as easy as ABCD. People we give a piece of ourselves to are not easy to let go of. The legend of the old flames is true so I can’t seem to let go of this married man. I am deeper in love with him than I thought. To make matters worse, his marital status doesn’t bother me like it used to. It doesn’t bother me when I know he is with his family but somehow, I get jealous when I see him talking to other women. I still sleep with him and don’t feel guilty about it anymore. My conscience is seared.

I’ve tried different ways to let go. Sometimes I tuned my mind not to care but immediately I see him, my mind behaves as if the tuning didn’t work. We see each other every day because of work and that’s the major challenge for me now. I know I don’t have any chance with him yet he has become something I can’t live without. I have tried so many ways to avoid him but I always end up sinking deeper and deeper.

I fear Yaw may find out about him very soon. I need help. Is there something I can do to forget about him completely? Something that will help close this chapter of our lives for good.

–Akosua

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