I didn’t know if it was okay to share my experience here but after reading Joelyn’s story, I have been inspired to share mine too. It’s about me and Kwasi, my boyfriend. I love this guy so much so I know that my problem is not about how I feel about him. When he is not with me and I think about him, I feel things between my legs. When we are talking on the phone and I hear his voice, I am filled with desire. As for seeing him, it is my undoing.

Despite how we feel about each other, we have agreed that we wouldn’t get intimate until marriage. Once in a while though, we do other things. We would kiss and touch but we never went all the way. Whenever we do all those things, I am always wet and he always tells me how much he likes the way I respond to his touch. He talks about how much he would enjoy it if we went all the way eventually.

Don’t get me wrong, I am no virgin. I have done things in the past but it got to a point where I stopped all of it. So I haven’t done it in years. And I was determined not to do it again until Kwasi and I tie the knot. He understands where I am coming so he does not put pressure on me to do anything I am not ready for.

Nonetheless, sometimes we have conversations about intimacy. During one of these conversations, I asked him what he would like to change about himself. He said, “If I am given the opportunity, I will change the size of my thing.” I jokingly asked, “Why do you want to change it? Do you want extra large?” I asked this question at a time when I hadn’t seen it or touched it yet so I didn’t know what he was carrying. This guy answered, “No, it’s too small. So I want it to be big.”

Ladies and gentlemen, one day things got out of hand and I decided I’d go all the way with him. He asked if I was sure and I said yes. However, when he took off his clothes and I saw his size, I panicked so hard that my pumpum dried up. I screamed, “Do you call this small?”

He laughed at me and said, “Oh this is small. You think it’s big because you haven’t seen one in a long time.” Still, I was scared so we didn’t go through with it. He said I was being anxious for nothing so I should relax.

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Another time, we tried it again. I felt I should give him the chance since he hasn’t pressured me into having shuperu with him. It was painful initially but he was able to fully penetrate me. It was honestly not a pleasant experience for me. I was dry so it hurt.

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By the time we were done, I ended up with a swollen and sore pumpum. I told myself that I can’t do this. “How long will I feel pain every time we get intimate? What if it continues after marriage?” I felt it was best I leave him. But he apologized. He said he didn’t mean to hurt me. And he’s not lying. He was not even rough. That’s what is scaring me. The fact that he was gentle yet I got hurt.

He tells me I’m overthinking things. “You dried up because you convinced yourself I am big.” Is he right? Is it all in my head? If I stop seeing him that way, will I cease to dry up and get hurt? I want to know if someone here can relate to my experience. How did you handle it, and did it get better with time? I tell Kwasi I am fine now but he still feels so guilty. Should I just leave him and be free?

— Moira

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