I grew up in a home I would describe as a battlefield. No, my parents were not the kind to fight each other and traumatize me in the process. The problem is my mother. My father has been unwell for the most part of my life, so she is the one taking care of the family. She does a good job when it comes to my siblings. She is kind to them and takes care of their needs.

When it comes to me, my mother does the bare minimum. She provides my basic needs and leaves me to take care of the rest. As for kindness, I have never experienced it at her hand. I don’t even know what it means to feel at home. Because home to me means getting maltreated by my mother.

I grew up feeling so unloved that when an older male friend gave me a little attention, I interpreted it as love. And when he proposed a romantic relationship to me, I was happy. “Finally,” I thought, “someone loves me for a change.” I gave this man everything he demanded from me. I thought if I made him happy he would stay with me. But soon enough, he got bored with my company and dumped me.

I was so heartbroken that I found myself in a lot of trouble. I was taken advantage of a few times by other men I trusted. I couldn’t talk about the horrible things that happened to me because I didn’t have anybody I could talk to. I don’t even know how I survived everything.

As my relationship with my mother remained sour, I continued to feel lonely. All I needed was love and acceptance. I couldn’t get it at home so I looked for it in all the wrong places. I went into a lot of relationships that were wrong for me. I wish I could say that I was getting something out of these men, but that would be a lie. I didn’t even get a pin from them.

I was working and schooling so it was the men who ended up gaining things from me. In my last relationship, for instance, the guy wrung me dry. By the time he was done with me, I was almost finished. If he needed me emotionally, I would run to his side. If he needed me financially, I would empty my purse. And if he was sexually starved, I’d fulfil those needs. It got to a point where all his friends asked him, “Why? Have you done juju on this girl? Because it’s not normal the way she is available to you.”

I came to my senses and slowly walked away from him. There were times I thought of cursing him for how badly he maltreated me despite the love I poured into him, but eventually, I got better. So I let it go.

Right now, my problem is a male friend of mine. We were friends when I was in school. During that time, one of my male teachers harassed me. Nii was the only friend I could trust so I told him about it. He got so angry that he encouraged me to report the teacher. I was scared, but he stood by me every step of the way until I reported the man and he was dealt with.

The way Nii came to my rescue and protected me from that creepy teacher was chivalrous. No one has ever stood up for me like that. Not even my mother. So I began to develop feelings for him. I know I am not his usual type so I didn’t harbour any hopes about him ever liking me back. However, he started doing things to make me believe he was interested in me beyond friendship. But the moment I start paying attention to him, he stops everything he is doing.

READ ALSO: When The Time Is Right, A Husband Can Come From Anywhere, Even Through Betting

We have had conversations about our relationships. Women walk out on him the way men dump me, so sometimes we bond over our tragic fate and then agree that we wouldn’t date for a while. He gave me the impression that, when all is said and done, we would end up together. So I started putting in the effort to make it happen. He, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to notice.

Once again, it’s beginning to feel like I am in a one-sided situationship. These days I am even trying too hard for him to simply treat me as his friend. I give him gifts to communicate that he means a lot to me. I don’t expect anything in return but I am still hurt that he doesn’t seem to care. I am even more hurt that he is dating a girl who is exactly like me. I am wondering why not me?

Why Men Don’t Say “I Love You” To Each Other

I know he is with someone else so I am trying to kill whatever I feel for him but it’s hard. I have tried to delete his number several times but I am not able to. I even tried to block him but I couldn’t. I am in so much pain that sometimes I cry myself to sleep. I know he never proposed to me so he is not responsible for my feelings. Maybe I am so deprived of love that I am clinging to him because he is the one person I feel safe with.

I don’t want this thing to get worse than it already is. How do I cope? I’m hurting. I want to find peace and love within myself and not continue to look for it in all the wrong places. I am only twenty-two but I have been through so much in my quest for love. Sometimes I break down and get really weird thoughts. Somebody, please help me.

—Blessing 

This story you just read was sent to us by someone just like you. We know you have a story too. Email it to us at [email protected]. You can also drop your number and we will call you so you tell us your story.

NOTE: NO PART OF THIS CONTENT CAN BE REPUBLISHED OR REPRODUCED IN ANY FORM WITHOUT THE EXPLICIT CONSENT OF THE EDITORS OF THIS BLOG

#SB