I have lived here in the United States with my husband since we got married fifteen years ago. While I work as a lawyer, he is a senior military officer. I must say that God has been good to us. He has given us a happy marriage and blessed us with four wonderful children. Truly, life has been good to us, and we’re truly grateful for everything we have.
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That said, there’s one issue that has remained unresolved and continues to weigh on my heart.
Since we got married, my husband has never allowed any of my family members to visit us in our home. I don’t know what his reasons are. He just tells me they can’t come around.
It isn’t that we don’t have enough room in our home to accommodate my people. We live in a nine-bedroom house. Any number of people can fit in here.
Besides, it’s not as if my parents would visit and refuse to leave. They live in Europe. They are Ghanaian-British, so they travel freely without restrictions. And they love to travel. It’s actually one of their favourite things to do together as a couple.
Before I moved to the U.S. to marry my husband, I lived with them. I wish I could return the favour and host them every now and then. But every time they visit the U.S., they stay with my aunt rather than with us. All because my husband doesn’t want them in our home.
I love spending time with them whenever I get the chance. So I do my best to visit them twice a year, especially now that they’re getting older. I just wish I could have more time with them when they come to my side of the world too.
What makes this even harder to accept is the contrast in how my husband treats his own family. Just recently, he filed for his mother to visit, and her visa was approved.
Just like my parents, his mother is not coming to stay here. She’s doing very well in Ghana, where she runs a successful supermarket.
I don’t have anything against the woman. We have a genuinely good relationship. I care for her deeply. I even offered to put her on a monthly allowance but she declined. So I have resorted to shipping groceries and other supplies to her regularly.
I don’t have any qualms about having her over, but given that my husband has never allowed any of my family members to stay with us, would it be wrong for me to ask that his mother not stay with us either? He has other relatives, including an aunt here in the States, who can host her.
I am not trying to cause tension or damage the warm relationship I’ve built with my mother-in-law. I just want fairness. However, my husband is very close to his mum, so he may tell her I don’t want her to come. That’s why I haven’t said anything to him about it.
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The most difficult part of this is that he still hasn’t given a clear explanation for why my family isn’t allowed to visit. He once said he didn’t want the kids to meet any extended family yet, but after fifty years, that reason no longer makes sense to me.
I’m trying to find a respectful and balanced way to address this situation without compromising the peace in my home or hurting anyone.
How should I approach this? Am I wrong for feeling this way?
—Aurelia
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Aurelia please can you help me with small amount my account number is 6442505018 thanks
When speaking to him use an endearment then you can tell him a story of a friend experiencing what is happening to you but make sure to end it with you don’t understand why the husband is doing so hence you are telling him to share his thoughts on such a situation. What he tells you will be the answer to your problem. Mind you, your parents understand you and they don’t have a problem with it. They have lived and experienced their married life so they don’t want you to ruin your marriage all because this. You seeing them is more than enough even though it’s at your aunt’s end. Don’t allow your emotions to lead you . Use your brain.
Allow him the free-will, if he decides to let his mum come to your place.
Afterwards, bring this same topic of him preventing yours from visiting through a dialogue when he’s in a good mood.
Ask for reasons why his mum can visit but yours cannot do likewise.
His conscience will surely battle him on your behalf.
Besides, the kids need to know both their paternal and maternal grannies.
Welcome his mum and take good care of her when she comes to stay and rather wait for an opportunity to ask to return the favor ie you want to host your parents in your home and see what he says. That will allow for him to come out with his reasons. Family is everything, partners who try to alienate you and children from family is never a good thing. Speak to someone her respects about it and resolve it.