I received a text one day from an unknown number. The sender introduced himself as Andrew. “I sell hair oil and I am wondering if you would be interested in buying some,” he said. I politely told him I would let him know if I needed some. He asked another question and this led to a long chat.
Coincidentally, we were in the same university. So we talked more and became friends by the time we ended the chat.
At the time, I was madly in love with my boyfriend, Kofi. So I only saw Andrew as a friend. Most of my friends are usually men, anyway. So what’s one more addition to the list?
When I am friends with a man, I vibe with them as though I am one of the boys. This means I could go anywhere with them but I always maintained healthy boundaries.
I had the same relationship with Andrew. The first time he asked if we could take a walk to the beach, I didn’t think much of it. I agreed and went along with him. We had deep conversations about our personal lives. It was nice and comfortable. And I believe he enjoyed it as much as I did, because it became our thing. Every once in a while, we would take a walk to the beach and have deep talks.
While all this was going on, Kofi was busily tearing my heart into pieces. He was acting in a way that suggested he was cheating on me but I didn’t have proof. I did everything possible to push the thought away but my gut kept telling me something was wrong. When I tried to get evidence and failed, I decided to let my suspicions go and just focus on the relationship.
Over time, Andrew and I grew very close. We shared so much about our lives with each other. He knew about my relationship struggles, and I knew about his failed love life. Although it got to a point where I had suspicions that he might have a romantic interest in me, I chose not to let it interfere with our friendship.
A few weeks before we graduated from the university, he asked me; “Cush, do you have feelings for me?” I answered no. Truthfully, I was unsure of my feelings at the time. I had a lot going on for me. I was struggling financially, and to make matters worse, I found out my suspicions were right. Kofi had been cheating on me.
What hurt me about the cheating the most was the fact that everyone in our friend group knew except me. I was in so much pain that I fell into depression. Where would I get the mind to know if I was in love with someone? The timing was just not right.
After school, life got busy. I lost contact with Andrew at some point. Maybe I even forgot he existed, because all I could feel was the void Kofi left in my heart. So I focused my energy on getting better.
When I started to feel myself healing, I reached out to Andrew but he never picked up my calls. This was strange of him. Even my text messages went unanswered. I didn’t want to make it about me so I told myself, “Maybe he is going through something. Let me give him time to come around.”
Four months passed, and his distant attitude remained the same. One day, I asked him if I had done something wrong. I wanted to know so I could apologize. His response surprised me. He said, “Oh, I am fine. I am just staying away from you to protect my feelings.” I didn’t know how to respond but I understood where he was coming from.
Although I was disappointed, I couldn’t fault him for his decision. If I were in his shoes, I might have done the same thing.
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I also tried to stay away but now I have a problem. I keep seeing him in my dreams. Every time I wake up, my heart aches. I think I may have had feelings for him all along but I just didn’t realize it when I was going through my heartbreak.
I wish I could let him know how I feel but I’m scared to push for anything to happen. I don’t want him to think I’m a selfish or inconsiderate person who is toying with his feelings.
I Accepted His Proposal When I Hadn’t Met Him Physically
I’m not fully healed yet, but I’m getting there. The thought of hurting him if I try to get close again weighs heavily on me. I know he’s a good and wonderful person, and that’s why I’m hesitant. I don’t want to bleed on someone who didn’t cut me.
Still, I can’t stop thinking about him. Every night before I sleep, and every morning when I wake up, he’s on my mind. And it hurts so much. I don’t know what to do about my feelings. I’ve prayed about it. I have asked God to take away this pain of unrequited love. I hope He listens.
— Cushy
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