My firstborn is fourteen years old. I had him after I completed high school. I learned a lot of lessons about love and men from my experience with birthing him. I mean, what other choice did I have when I was left to handle it all alone? The man who promised me heaven on earth became a ghost the moment I mentioned pregnancy to him.
Although he left, I was the one who was stuck with the pregnancy. I couldn’t have left, not that I would have. So I did my best to take care of myself and the pregnancy till I had the baby. And I have been single-handedly taking care of him for fourteen years now.
The good news is that having the baby didn’t halt my life. I went to nursing school when I got the opportunity. While I was in school, I had a lot of men coming my way but I didn’t pay attention to them. My focus was on getting through school so I could make something of myself. “I want to be someone my son would be proud of,” I often said to myself. This was my mantra whenever I felt overwhelmed. It helped me stay on track.
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By and by, I completed school in 2018. After school, I met Tetteh. He met me at a time when I was open to the possibility of falling in love again. This means I didn’t stress him too much when he tried to get close to me. I took my time and got to know him. So by the time he proposed, I knew I wanted to be with him.
Right from the beginning of the relationship, he said he wanted marriage. So it didn’t take long before I introduced him to my family. They all liked him. His family also welcomed me warmly. From there, both families met for official introductions and the knocking rites were performed. I moved in with him after that.
We had started buying the items on the list when we found out that I was pregnant. We were going to get married anyway, so we chose to have the baby. However, we had to put marriage preparations on hold and start preparing for the baby’s arrival instead.
Along the line, T.T. started complaining that I was disrespectful toward him. “What are the things I do that disrespect you?” I would ask him. He would fumble and not have anything substantial to say. I am not the kind of woman who wants to disrespect her man. So I searched myself and asked what I may be doing that was so disrespectful to him. The answer was nothing.
The fact that I knew my conscience was clean gave me peace. He, on the other hand, had no peace. He kept tagging everything I did as disrespectful until we finally halted all our marriage plans. As I write this, our child is currently four years old but we are no longer together.
With two children already, I was convinced that I didn’t want any more kids. Because of this, my dating prospects changed. I didn’t want to date a man who would want us to get married and have kids. I was okay being with someone who already had children. This was the criteria I used to filter out men who came my way. Most of them didn’t have children but it was in the plan for them.
As time went on, an ex-boyfriend came back into my life. He is married but he told me, “I still can’t get over you. If it doesn’t bother you that I have a wife, can we try again?” For some reason, he seemed like the perfect person for me at that time. This is someone who already had a family. I wouldn’t be required to give him children. It was mostly about the companionship for me. Being a single mother gets lonely, you know.
I thought I was playing it safe but I didn’t take into consideration the fact that being with this man for a long time would make me want more from the relationship. I started feeling it when we were one year into the relationship. I was no longer content with just being the woman he kept on the side. I wanted to be his second wife.
When I discussed this with me he told me, “Marriage was never ruled out of the relationship for me. I was just waiting for you to get on the same page with me, and now you are. So we will start the process as soon as possible.” He seemed so sincere that I believed him.
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Two of my siblings have met him. They know we are together. It’s my parents who don’t know about us. Left to only me, I would have made the introduction yesterday. He is the one dragging his feet. Something that was supposed to happen soon is now taking forever. Now, I don’t bring up the subject anymore. So we are all tiptoeing around it.
While I am waiting for him to take the step, there is another man in the picture. His name is Kwesi. He has been crushing on me for years but I didn’t mind him because I am four years older than him. Another reason was the fact that he doesn’t have children.
She Left Me To Marry A Man Who Was Ready For Marriage
I thought he would get over the crush if we didn’t date but he is still holding on to his feelings. He lives outside the country but he is seriously proposing marriage to me. “If you say yes, we will get married when I return to the country next year,” he says. He doesn’t mind that I already have two children.
Now, I don’t know what to do. One part of me wants to give my married boyfriend a chance to come around, while another part wants me to give Kwesi a chance. I may not be desperate for marriage right now but I want to be with someone I can call mine. What do I do? I need advice.
— Rita
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Choose Kwesi. He means business. Your ex is just joking with you. He deos not have a place for you in his heart talk much less of marriage. How he is treating you is disrespectful. Never settle to be the second wife of a man. You deserve to have your own man whom you will have his undivided love ,time attention and devotion. Get married to Kwesi there is nothing wrong with having one child with him to cement the marriage. You giving him a child will preserve his lineage. Every man without kids will want one so please don’t look at yourself only to dictate what you want. You have your own kids so give him one as well. My dear as for the age difference it doesn’t matter. Remember the relationship with Kwesi is not about you alone . Meaning it takes two to tango. Don’t be comfortable with the position you have with your ex. It’s time to move forward and become someone’s Mrs too . Doesn’t the name Mrs .Kwesi sound cool to you? I bet it deos. There’s no need to hide when you choose Kwesi because you will be shown to the world by being his wife. A word to the wise is enough.
I would advise you to go with Kwesi, only this time make sure to NOT get pregnant before the marriage is complete. Your ex won’t marry you because it takes a lot to marry a 2nd wife and remember he’s currently dealing with lots of advice from different angles. You are a single mother of 2 kids now so your choices should be those that will benefit your kids both in the short and long run and not based solely on your feelings or fantasies.
Choose kwesi simple
Have you asked yourself if your married boyfriend’s wife wants a co wife?
Why do you think the two of you can make a selfish decision that would alter the entire lives of his wife and children without any consideration to them?
If you had married any of your baby daddies and they did this to you, would you sincerely be ok with it, if not for the reason that you want to do that to another woman?
Getting involved with a married man is never a sure banker.
I believe you need a time out to assess your priorities again. With the information you gave about kwesi, you mentioned je was into you. You didn’t say you were exactly into him. It seems you want to be claimed as a Mrs at all cost so if one isn’t willing to give, the option available works.
Whatever you decide or whoever you decide to stick with, I hope at least this time, you wait till you are properly married first before another child comes in.
My sister, y would you follow a married man?
If he was unhappy he would have left his marriage long time. Focus on Kwesi and build a future for your kids. Don’t agree to becoming a second wife coz there’s another probability that after accepting, there would be a side chick or better 3rd wife.
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Kwesi is the best. Becoming a second wife is not advisable. Oppurtunity comes but once in a relationship, when you don’t value the woman you have another man is ready to value her no matter what condition
I wonder where people like this come from. It is clear from your story that you have a history of dating toxic men. And now you’re at it again. You’re seriously asking whether you should continue to follow a married man with children who is showing no signs of commitment or go for the single man who lives abroad and is ready to marry you next year. I begin to understand why you are a single mother of two. You were happy to give birth to children for men you were not married to who dumped you, but you are unwilling to have another child or two with a spouse who will actually stick around to help you raise them. No seriously who cursed you? Which of your village people is blinding your eyes and trying to block your destiny? What is so wrong with having 3 or 4 children? Your grandmothers probably had something like ten. And you are here, chasing away ideal partners because the two that you have are enough for you. Continue like this and you’ll probably end up alone after quite a few men have used and dumped you