I am a twenty-nine-year-old woman who has been married with two children. My husband and I dated for about two years before we got married three years ago. Our oldest child is two, while our youngest is six months old. The entire time we’ve been together until we got married, I never for once saw any signs that pointed to the fact that he was a chronic cheat. It was only after marriage that he started showing me that side of himself.

The first time I caught him cheating, he didn’t show any remorse. He rather gave me an attitude that spelt the phrase, “It is what it is.” I work in Tema so I live there with the kids, while he lives in Accra. Yet this does not prevent me from performing my wifely duties. I go to his place when I am off work and cook for him, do his laundry, and clean the house spotless. This is something I do very often so it isn’t that he is starving or he is leaving in filth so he needs another woman to help him out. This is why I got hurt when I caught him cheating. Because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do it. Besides, when he was facing financial difficulties, I gave him money. So again I was wondering what at all it was that I wasn’t doing for him.

The next time I caught him cheating, it was with a different girl. This time around too, he didn’t show any remorse. Rather, he got angry and rained all sorts of insults on me, then threatened to leave me. I became very unhappy in the marriage, as a result of his behaviour but I couldn’t complain. As time went on he got a better job and his finances improved. He no longer needed my help when it came to money and this made him worse than he used to be. This man’s cheating escalated and the disrespect he showed in the past is nothing compared to what he is showing me now. He changes girls like the way trees shed leaves in autumn. And when I try to talk, he would insult me and reduce the amount of money he sends for the children’s upkeep. He does this to punish me because he knows that it will put a strain on my finances, and I would be so busy trying to manage the money that I wouldn’t be concerned about who is warming his bed.

Just recently, I was at his place to perform my wifely duties as usual. He was acting a little strange, so I got suspicious and went through his phone. I discovered then that the girl he is currently dating is a teenager. I had taught myself to turn a blind eye to his indiscretions but this one made me shout. “Nii, now you have moved to a child? It’s not enough that you are breaking your marriage vows by sleeping with different women, you’ve added a teenager to your woes.” He got angry and tried to silence me but I was angry too so I said, “Whatever it is you are looking for in this life, you won’t get it because of the things you are doing. If you continue to maltreat me you will continue to struggle in life.” Immediately after I said that he slapped me and said, “Now you have resorted to cursing me? I am done with you. I don’t love you anymore. This marriage is over.”

I know that I didn’t do anything wrong and that I shouldn’t have tried so hard to hold on to a man who doesn’t want to be kept, but maybe a part of me was scared of the uncertainty that comes with being a divorced woman. Maybe I believed it was better to be married to a disrespectful womanizer than to be a single woman. It was why instead of walking out of the marriage with the little dignity I had left, I went down on my knees and begged him; “I am sorry for what I said. I was hurt and angry so I just said those things to hurt you even though I didn’t mean them. Please don’t leave me.” His response to my apology was insults and more insults. I didn’t say anything again. I just left his place with my children.

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In the days that followed I didn’t call him. I wanted him to reach out to me after he had calmed down. I was there one morning when he called. I thought all was well with him so I answered the phone with excitement. He responded to my “Hello” with a torrent of insults. When he finished saying all the hurtful words he wanted to say, he hung up. The next time I received his call, I was apprehensive. I didn’t know if the man on the other end was my husband or my abuser. When I answered the call, I was quiet. I didn’t want to provoke him with the sound of my voice. Yet he was provoked just by the sound of my breathing. Because the first thing that came out of his mouth was something hurtful. At this point, I had had enough so I told him, “You said this marriage is over, and I agree with you now. Instead of wasting your breath to insult me, come and see my family and let’s dissolve the marriage.”

“Don’t tell me what to do. I will divorce you when I feel like it.” He retorted. I told him, “No, you won’t. You will keep me around and continue to verbally, emotionally, and physically abuse me because it feeds your ego. I don’t know why I allowed it to continue for this long but I am done. All I did was show you love and kindness but you paid me back with infidelity, disrespect, and ill-treatment. If this is marriage then I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want you anymore. Bring your family to come and see mine and let’s dissolve this marriage.” As I am writing this, he has refused to go ahead with the divorce, yet he continues to insult me the least chance he gets. I don’t know what it is he wants from me, but I try not to indulge him. However, I want to be free of him, but I don’t know how to go about this situation. Please advise me.

— Mimi

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