I love Damien just as much as I despise him. I have done everything in my power to push him away, but he refuses to let me go. He says he is ready to make me his second woman if I say yes to him tomorrow. I don’t know if he is serious, but he keeps assuring me he will make things official. Whatever that means, I am not sure. 

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While Kwesi is married with two adult children who live abroad with their mother, I am divorced with three children I am raising single-handedly. My divorce and everything behind it aren’t the point here, so I won’t go into it. Let’s focus on my story with Damien.

He is my father’s age, 63, but he looks great for his age. I also look quite young for a 42-year-old mother of three. I met him while I was rebuilding my life after my divorce. I had to move from my State to another State so I could be close to my parents and have a change of environment. 

The move helped me: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I focused on healing. I settled my children into new schools, got grounded in my work, and today, we’re thriving in our new environment and building a better life. My divorce was four years ago, so I have come a long way since then.

I’m a professional doing well in my career. I’m financially stable. I am not trying to brag, but I got a significant share of property in the divorce, made smart investments, and I earn well from my work. Damien is also doing well financially. He is well-respected because of this.

For all his smartness, I don’t understand why he interprets my disinterest in a romantic relationship as “try harder.”

To be honest, his persistence creeps me out. He has been chasing me for two years. Shouldn’t he stop by now?

Sure, he has helped me in countless ways: settling into my job, and helping with the children. In fact, anything I mention, he’d bend over backward to provide. But the truth is, nothing he has done has changed how I feel. Not in the way he hopes.

This is where the despise comes in.

I despise that he won’t take the hint. I despise that he keeps thinking his affection will somehow make me fall for him. I despise that he apologizes when I ignore him, rather than drawing boundaries. I despise that he accepts my emotional detachment, my silence, and the cold shoulder, all while acting like it’s some temporary phase I’ll grow out of.

I’ve been intentionally rude to him, something that’s not even in my nature. I do it just to push him away. He doesn’t seem to care. He keeps thinking I’m just heartbroken over my divorce and need time. He thinks if he loves me hard enough, I’ll heal and eventually love him back. The truth is, there’s nothing to heal. I’m whole. Content. Probably the most at peace I’ve ever been. But Damien doesn’t see it that way.

I know that when you ask a man for money consistently, you push him away. So I have tried using money to do the trick. Once, I asked him for $3,000 for some purchases. He sent it without question. A few months after that, I requested a $20,000 loan. Again, no hesitation. I returned it in installments within two months and thanked him. None of it pushed him away. 

I just want him to understand that I like him, maybe I even love him. But it’s all platonic. I respect him for his brilliance, kindness, and generosity to everyone around him. Talking to him is like tapping into a reservoir of wisdom. Anyone would be lucky to know him. All I am saying is, I enjoy our friendship and it ends there. I don’t want anything more than that. 

The way he wants me makes me wonder why I can’t find a single man my age who loves me with this level of commitment and consistency. Why are they all either too young or already married?

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I know I’m not young anymore but seriously, are there single, emotionally mature men in Nigeria within my age group who are ready to date and build something meaningful? Because all I keep meeting are married men who want me as their side chick. It’s not as if I look like a side chick material. I look like a boss chic, and I act like it too. So I find it exhausting that married men keep throwing money at me, hoping I would agree to warm their bed. 

I am not dating any of those men or anyone for that matter, but Damien is convinced I push him away because of another man. He says he doesn’t care if I am. “As long as you are not yet married, I will keep trying to win your heart.”

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Truly, I love this man, and I value his presence in my life, but I need him to stop chasing me. Don’t tell me to ask him for things. He seems to enjoy it. It validates his usefulness. And don’t tell me to report him to his wife, she’s abroad with their kids, and he has all the freedom, money, and power to pursue me like his life depends on it.

How do I keep him in my life and get him to stop pursuing me?  

—Ayi

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