I messed up, I know. That’s why I am here to enlist your help so she will take me back. I was in a dark place and I let my desires take over what truly mattered, her. Now, before she became my girlfriend we were friends. Occasionally, we slept together. We had such amazing chemistry. She was always fun whenever we got together so I figured if we had a committed relationship, we would be happy. I was wrong.

When we became serious, she started withholding herself from me. We would be together, just the two of us, but she would startle when I touch her. She made me feel I was a stranger who was not allowed to touch her, or that my touch was harmful to her. Our sex life moved from 100% to 10%. To satisfy my needs, I started playing with myself. I am not proud of it but what could I do? When a man is desperate he does desperate and foolish things.

On several occasions, I sat her down and asked if everything was okay. “Ever since we became exclusive, you’ve changed. What am I doing wrong?” She assured me that everything was fine. So I started wondering if she loved me. “Maybe she only wanted me when there were no strings attached,” I concluded. Still, I hoped things would get better. I complained several times but nothing changed. We sat down many times and had conversations about how unhappy I felt, but she remained the same.

While she was pulling away from me, I observed that she had healthy relationships with her male friends. All the attention I wanted from her, she gave to them. So I started envying them. I remember how often I picked fights with her because of those friendships she insisted on keeping. Sometimes I would even suggest we break up. There were times she pled with me to change my mind. There were also times she would agree that we end things. Regardless, I love her very much and she has shown me a lot of kindness so I ended up staying with her.

In June last year, we had another fight. Out of anger, I broke up with her again. But after a few days, I went back and asked her not to leave me. I love her too much to lose her, that’s why. Just around that time, my dad passed. I was in a terrible place. I needed comfort. Although my girlfriend sent me money when I was too broke to make some payments to preserve my father’s body at the morgue, she was not physically present for me. She didn’t even pay a courtesy visit to sympathize with me.

It was my ex-girlfriend who came to visit me, to extend her condolences. In my moment of weakness, we ended up having shuperu. Another friend came to visit me and the same thing happened. That was the beginning of my adventures. I started talking to other ladies in an attempt to fill the void my girlfriend left unattended. I’m not someone who keeps a lot of friends. So I didn’t even know I had it in me to flirt with several women simultaneously. I asked some of them out. I narrated my relationship problems to some of them. And they told me my girlfriend didn’t love me.

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I know by doing what I did, I broke her trust and love. To make matters worse, I left evidence of my affairs. I recorded videos of myself having shuperu with the two ladies I cheated with. One thing that cannot be hidden for long is the truth. I thought I was being smart. I was so sure she would never find out but she caught me. She saw all the messages and the videos too. Now, she has left me.

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I know I messed up but if she gives me another chance, it will never happen again. I have been pleading with her for forgiveness but her mind is made up. I know some people would blame her for my actions but please don’t. I am the one who cheated. And in case you want to advise her not to take me back, make sure you are without sin before you cast that stone. It is only people who have been in my shoes that will understand what grief does to a person. It alters who you are if you are not careful.

I am not trying to justify my actions or saying that my behaviour should be excused. All I want is to be forgiven. That’s why I need you to add your voice to mine. She is not talking to me so I don’t know if she still loves me or if she hates me. What I do hope for, is that her heart is still open to us trying again.

—K

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