I have a son with a woman I am no longer with. It wasn’t my wish for it to be that way, not at all. For five years, we tried to make our relationship work, but we were just too different. I know there is a belief that people who are different are perfect together because they will complement each other. Ours was not like that. It was as though I was the antagonist in her story and she too was the antagonist in mine. We could never agree on anything. I would say “A” and she would say “triangle”.
After trying so hard and failing, we both agreed that we are just incompatible. So we went our separate ways. It’s a mutual decision so there’s no bad blood between us. Our son is four years old and lives with her. I also play my role in his life as a father should.
Every month I send money for child support. I pay his school fees, and when he gets sick, I pay his medical bills. If any other thing comes up, I take care of it. I don’t get a fat pay cheque at the end of the month but I manage.
Now here is my problem. I am in a relationship with a single mother. She is an old friend of mine so things are solid between us. We share similar worldviews, and ideologies so we understand each other perfectly. I don’t have to argue with her over simple things or explain myself too hard to be heard.
We’ve been together for over a year now and I love her very dearly. She is a good woman. The kind that will be a good wife. I too am determined to be a good husband to her. We’ve started preparations to get married before the end of next year. Things are generally great with her. The only thing is that the father of her child is the embodiment of irresponsibility. He doesn’t contribute anything to the upkeep of their seven-year-old daughter. My girlfriend was doing everything by herself until I stepped up and started helping her.
I take care of the little girl as I do my son. Her mother supports me so it makes it easier. And this girl loves me as she would her father. We have formed a strong bond. I don’t even see her as my stepdaughter, only as my daughter.
As we are discussing our future, my woman has clearly stated her desire to have another child after we get married. When she said that I panicked. I explained to her, “I have a son and you have a daughter. We have the perfect family. There is no need for another child.” She laughed at me and said, “Stop playing. Of course, we will have another child. We need to have one to seal our love.” I don’t get it. Why do we need to make another mouth to feed just to seal our love?
I explained our finances to her, “We are comfortable taking care of our two kids, but things will become difficult if we add a third child. So let’s stick to the two and give them the best in this life.” She won’t hear of it. Her mind is made up, “How do you know if our finances will not change? Maybe that child will open doors for us. Besides, it is God that takes care of people. Not money. So let’s trust God to take care of us.” No matter how hard I tried to convince her, she wouldn’t yield.
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I have thought about how I am going to give her what she wants, and still keep the family afloat. So far the only solution is to stop taking care of her daughter financially when another child comes into the picture. This is not something she would be happy to hear. How do I say, “Hey babe, I love your daughter as my own but if we have a baby I won’t provide for her needs. All my focus will be on my son and the new baby?” How do I say something like that to the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with?
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She might even decide to leave me because of that, and I don’t want that to happen. I know she loves me but she is very emotional when it comes to her little girl. I have accepted that her daughter is the first on her list of priorities. I will always come second to her. If this little girl does something wrong and I scold her too harshly, my woman gets upset. So I know that if we are to make a decision that won’t favour her daughter she won’t go for it.
This is why I am concerned. First, should I consider the fact that she gets emotional when I correct her daughter as a red flag? Secondly, how do I explain for her to understand that if we have a baby I cannot take care of her daughter? I want to make our relationship work. So I need all the advice I can get.
—Abel
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Please a woman who doesn’t allow to correct her child when she has done wrong is a red flag. Two she is someone who is not willing to compromise. All these are red flags but mind you if you want something better you work hard to earn it. Sit down with her and speak about worries . If you see that she won’t budge then my dear look else where. But you men are funny if you have a child by someone else and you end up marrying someone else and the woman corrects your child then wahala will come but if the same is being done to you, you complain. Never give up until you have achieved your goal. But situations do change. The fact you can’t feed an extra mouth today doesn’t mean tomorrow will be the same. Every day is different from the other. Live life day by day and accept all challenges thrown your way wisely and maturely. Good luck
First of all I like how you said when you scold her daughter harshly of course she will be upset even if she has a child with you you (which you don’t want by the way) and you scold that child harshly she will still be upset and that is just because she’s a mother. It will have been different if she doesn’t allow you scold her daughter at all . Secondly you are being selfish here cos who will get married to a man and not want to have kids with the man simply because you both brought kids into the marriage/ relationship. If she was taking care of her daughter by herself before you came along and she’s supportive as you are saying then where’s the fear coming from. The fact that you think singling out her daughter is the only way you can have another child with her will also be a red flag for her as well. Times are hard so if you can’t handle something don’t go into it. In my opinion children are not (things) to be compromised on therefore she not compromising on that is no red flag. But look elsewhere you might find someone who isn’t interested in having kids. Do what best suits you. Peace
Why would someone marry and not want to have kids. I think it would be better u remain single or better look for someone who isn’t interested in having kids too but for u to say u will stop taking care of her child if u give birth to another is a red flag on your own side. But if I were the woman in question, I would ask u to bring your son to live with us, that way, the expenses won’t be as much as it is when he’s with his mother. You can’t compromise giving birth cos u both have children with different partners or brought children into the marriage. Know this and know peace
SAY NO TO SINGLE MOTHERS