When I was 16, I was diagnosed with gonadal dysgenesis. This means I am sterile. My womb didn’t form properly. So my fallopian tubes and ovaries are nonexistent. Apart from that, everything that would make me biologically female is absent. Not even the hormones. The only way you’d know I am a woman is if you looked between my legs. The external genitalia is perfectly normal.

I am the youngest of four girls. Growing up, my sisters and I had an amazing bond. We loved each other so deeply. Despite the differences in our ages, people who saw us knew we shared something special.

Even after my diagnosis, they were my strongest support system. I knew that life would change once we grew up but I always saw myself as part of their lives.

All I can say now is that reality is not the same as wishful thinking. We’ve gotten older, that’s why I am saying this.

My sisters have all gotten married and started their own families. I, on the other hand, have remained unmarried. One part is because of my condition, while the other part is because I’ve had no luck with men. I don’t want to go into those experiences, because that’s not the point of this story.

Here’s my issue: I’ve truly made peace with the fact that I won’t get married or have children. Luckily, my sisters have six children between them. I love and adore each one of those beautiful kids. They are cute, troublesome, and lovely, just as kids are meant to be.

Whenever I had some time on my hands, I would ask if my nieces and nephews could come spend some holidays with me. Sometimes my sisters agreed, but other times they didn’t. I didn’t mind. I was just happy to spend time with them whenever it was possible.

But lately, things are changing. My sisters’ lives are moving at a fast pace. They barely have room or time in their lives for me. And it’s making me feel left out.

I also feel unwanted sometimes. As though even my phone calls are an intrusion in their lives. They haven’t said anything but I can feel it. I can also sense it when I visit them. There is this strong vibe I get from them that tells me I am a burden.

Recently, I visited one of my sisters while her kids were around. I really enjoyed spending time with them. So, when I was about to leave, I asked if she could let them go home with me for a day. She gave a lot of excuses, most of which didn’t make sense. I knew then that it was her polite way of saying no, and it hurt.

I told her, “I am hurt you won’t let them stay with me but I understand.”

They are not my children. “I need to accept this painful fact and respect the boundaries my sisters draw,” I said to myself.

Since then, I decided to set boundaries of my own. I’ve reduced the number of times I call my sisters. I also don’t talk too much about myself and my life when I call. It’s hard but I no longer ask for the kids to come spend holidays with me. I just talk to them about their lives and leave it there.

Ever since I took a step back I am beginning to notice a pattern in our relationship. My sisters barely call to check up on me. I am always the one reaching out and trying to stay in touch. On the rare occasions when they called, it was because they had problems they needed to talk about, or needed my help.

I don’t want to make a big deal out of it. I don’t want to say or do anything that would interfere with whatever is left of our relationship. So I convince myself that I don’t mind where they put me in their lives.

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But the truth is, I feel lonely and depressed. I have no friends. They were the only friends I had when I was growing up. They are the only ones I can talk to and be myself around. Now that I am staying back, I have no one.

I miss my sisters. I miss when we used to have endless conversations and laughter. I miss our carefree spirits before life got so serious.

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Am I overreacting for feeling hurt that they are leaving me out of their lives? I would ask if it is wrong of me to withdraw from them, but the people involved are not complaining. If anything, they seem relieved that I have reduced contact with them.

So I guess I am here to ask, “What should I do?” Giving them space seems like the best thing to do for them. I suppose my question is, how do I cope? I am trying to make peace with the fact that their lives have changed and I can’t force myself to move along with them. I just wish I had a way to reduce the loneliness.

—Lilo

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