No matter what anyone tells me, I can’t help but feel it’s all my fault. My guilt is etched into my bones. I don’t think I can ever get rid of it. Tell me, how does a mother forgive herself for killing her child?
I regret not taking proper care of myself when I was pregnant. Someone told me prenatal vitamins were not that important for the growth of a fetus.
“There are women who go through full-term pregnancy without those drugs and they have healthy babies,” I heard more people say.
I don’t know what possessed me to listen to such talk. It got into my head. I started missing my pills. A day became two days. Then a week passed. Before I knew it, I was telling myself, “What about those women who don’t attend antenatal clinics at all during pregnancy yet have healthy babies?”
After a while, I stopped taking the medication entirely. I didn’t suffer any complications during the entire process.
I was beside myself with joy when my baby arrived. My first child. She was always such a wonder to me. Her big bright eyes, her little button nose, those lips that birthed her giggles and dramatic tantrums, always filled me with her.
I often caught myself asking, “How did my life make sense before I had her?”
A few months into her stay here, she started getting sick. The doctors diagnosed her with a hole in the heart. That wasn’t the only one. She had other congenital conditions too. I was pained.
“Did I do this to her? Is it because I didn’t take my prenatal vitamins?” This is how guilt ate at me when I found out.
We did everything the doctors asked. We prayed and cried out to God for a miracle. In the end, I lost my little bubble of wonder.
You Broke Me Into Pieces: A Daughter’s Emotional Conversation With Her Father
Regret sits on my chest like a bad scar. I feel so stupid for not taking those drugs religiously. I keep asking myself how come people did it and it went well for them. Why did mine end badly?
Every time I think of my little one all alone in the cold earth, I know I won’t forgive myself for causing this. I feel so depressed and empty without her. If I never heal from this, I will know it is what I deserve for my carelessness.
—Leona
This story you just read was sent to us by someone just like you. We know you have a story too. Email it to us at submissions@silentbeads.com. You can also drop your number and we will call you so you tell us your story.
#SB
Never listen to hear say. Do well to listen to your doctors because they know best. I pray you heal. Your baby has become an angel 😇.
You have to recover and stop blaming yourself for the simple reason that you didn’t INTENTIONALLY hurt your baby. You loved her, This is the work of God. You had absolutely no control.
You may need to see a psychologist.
Hello.i am Eden Olga ..Do you need spiritual help, spell to solve all kind of problem such as: court case, pregnancy spell, drug trafficking issue, financial spell, business promotion spell,ex back SPELL love spell, revenge spell, lupus and more more, Then you are welcome to my home,a place where all kind of problems are solve, kindly contact me with faith today And don’t forget that problem shared is a problem solved… for quick spell Email: edenolga7@gmail.com