I Am With A Man Who Does No Wrong

He tells me he loves me whenever he gets the chance. He says it as though his life depends on it. He also calls me foolish when I make him angry. Sometimes he yells at me, “How did I get involved with someone as stupid as you? I mean, we are here together because you were stupid enough to get pregnant in the early stages of our relationship.” It hurts when he does this. It hurts more when I think about the fact that a man who truly loves me would not verbally assault me.

I tell him, “You don’t love me. Love does not hurt the way you do.” And he always says, “We will be perfectly happy if you do the things I like.” Let it not be said of me that I did not try to do the things he likes. I have stretched myself thin in an attempt to please this man. And I have always failed because my man is a fault-finder. Nothing I do meets his approval.

Everything I do at home is met with judgment and criticism. He does not care if he hurts me with his words. I would tell him, “You are hurting me with your words and actions.” And he would shrug and say, “It’s not my fault that you can’t handle the truth.” In all our years together, he has never said sorry to me when he makes a mistake. He believes he does no wrong.

Every day when he is going to work, I prepare his lunch and breakfast and package it for him to take along. I am the one who shops for his clothes. Yet he acts as if I bring nothing to the table. All he does is complain about the things I do. When I buy him clothes, he wears them for about two years before they start wearing out. But the moment that happens, he would start insulting me that I did not buy him quality clothes.

Once, I bought him a Lacoste shirt, thinking he would appreciate its quality. He just took a look at it and asked, “Why did you buy me a summer shirt when we are in winter?” I felt so dumb that day. Besides that, he complains when I shop for boxer shorts for him. “What is this? It’s of poor quality. I can’t wear these shorts to sleep,” he would say. He does the same thing when I buy him shoes. According to him, everything I buy is not good enough. He barely says “Thank you,” for anything I do for him.

After we had our first child, this man told me, “Have you noticed that I spend a lot of money these days? It’s because you eat too much.” I had to eat well in order to breastfeed well, but his comment made me feel bad. And I started eating less. That’s what he does to me. He kills my self-esteem every day. It has gotten to a point where I second-guess myself when I am about to take a step. I have started seeing myself as someone who is not good enough.

One time we were watching TV when a story of a couple came up. The man cheated on his wife after they had been married for many years. I remember saying, “Imagine how you and I are suffering and doing everything to have a good life. Then one day you would leave me for a younger woman. Only God knows what will happen.” He simply responded, “I will just give the house to you and the children, just because you gave me my first kids.” I was surprised he comfortably accepted that he could cheat on me.

All these aside, he does not allow me to go to church. Honestly, his presence in my life has messed up my relationship with God. He just likes to dictate the pace of our relationship. For instance, he does not talk to me when we go out. It doesn’t matter if we are in the midst of people, I would talk to him and he would ignore me. So I always feel embarrassed when we are out in public.

There is no room for my thoughts and emotional health in our relationship. I once advised him to cut down on his spending habits, and he got angry and called me a villager. There was a time I suspected he was cheating on me with a certain lady. I knew he wouldn’t tell me the truth so I called the lady and spoke to her. When this man found out, he slapped me and beat me into a pulp. As long as he is concerned, I have no right to meddle in his business.

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This relationship causes me more pain than comfort. When I try to talk to him he tells me, “I love you, can’t you see it? Look at everything I do to make you comfortable. Tell me, have you ever lacked anything? You live a better life than people who even have jobs.” And he is not lying about that. I haven’t worked since the kids came. So he is the only one who provides for the home. And he is doing a good job. He provides for all our financial needs, no questions asked. He says that is his way of loving me.

I am someone who doesn’t like talking but these days, I nag. There is a lot of bitterness in my heart. I can tell he is also tired of me, just as I am of him. But I suppose we are both still here because of our two children. We don’t want them to grow up in a broken home, so we are holding on to our broken relationship for their sake. If it was left to me alone, we would find ways to fix what is broken, however, the person who holds the keys to the relationship does not care if we sink or float. I could tell him I am leaving him, and he wouldn’t do anything to stop me. That’s where we have gotten to.

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Earlier this year I asked him, “What are your plans for the two of us?” He shrugged, “I don’t know what you mean. We are already making preparations to get married this year. So what other plans are you talking about?” I responded, “My plan is for us to grow in love and be kinder to each other as the years pass.” He just looked at me and said nothing.

I do not wish to get married to a man I don’t enjoy but how can I walk out? We have two children together. I cannot destroy the traditional family we are trying to raise them in. This is my dilemma. What do I do? Do I put my interest above my kids and leave? Or do I stay because of them?