One day, I was with my boyfriend when I came across an article about polygamy. The first thought that came to mind was, “Why do people choose to share a partner when you can have someone to yourself?” Out of curiosity, I read the article. When I finished I looked at my man and said, “Babe, listen to the crazy things people are doing out there.” Then I started narrating the story to him.
When I was done with my narration I asked him, “So what are your thoughts on this whole polygamy thing?” He shrugged and answered, “People are doing it. It’s not a bad thing to practice. You just have to weigh the pros and cons and decide if it’s something you want for yourself.” I wasn’t expecting that response.
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So I asked him again if polygamy is something he believed in. He shook his head vehemently and said no. I was so relieved to hear that. It gave me the safety to delve into my own perspective about the subject.
I told him I saw it as a venture that drains a person emotionally and financially. “Also, it breeds jealousy which in turn causes enmity among the women involved, seeing as they would all be competing for the love and attention of one man.” He nodded and said I was right.
After the conversation ended, I put all thoughts of the subject out of my mind. After all, I am in a monogamous relationship. My partner and I don’t believe in polygamy. So why waste precious time thinking about something that doesn’t affect my life?
A few days later, this man decided to revisit the conversation with a revelation of his own. I was so surprised when he told me, “I want to be in a polyamorous relationship, and I would like you to join me as my senior wife. We can then discuss how many more women to bring into our relationship.”
It took me a minute to recover from the shock of his announcement. Then I asked why he was talking about this when he clearly stated only a few days ago that he didn’t believe in polygamy.
According to him, our conversation about the subject got him looking into it. He said after reading and understanding how polyamory works, he wants to take that path. In an attempt to convince me to take his side, he argued that it would be beneficial to us financially. According to his logic, the more people we have in the relationship, the higher our chances of accumulating wealth. “If we are many and we pool our resources, we will build a prosperous life.”
I challenged his reasoning by reminding him that we have good jobs. And that the two of us can achieve financial success on our own if we put in the work. This man said it would take too long. “By the time we become wealthy, we would be too old to enjoy our hard work.”
I turned down his proposal. My entire life, I have never envisioned myself in such a relationship. I want a man I can call mine. Someone to do life and build a family with, without having to share their time and affection with other women. I also let him understand that my family would never approve of an arrangement as such.
He won’t let the matter rest. He keeps assuring me that I wouldn’t have to fight for his attention. But the idea still didn’t sit right with me. When I asked if his own family would approve of his lifestyle, he said no. However, he is sure he can convince them to understand that it is what will make him happy.
While he was going on and on, I asked myself: “I am a young, beautiful, and educated woman with a degree. Why would I put myself in this situation as if I am desperate for marriage?” Besides, polygamy goes against my principles, my beliefs, and my faith.
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When I mentioned that Christianity does not support polygamy, he countered by citing examples of men in the Bible who practised it.
Sometimes, I even regret bringing up the topic in the first place. I wonder if I somehow caused this shift in his thinking. Maybe if I never discussed that article with him, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.
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Now, he is asking me to take time to think about it and seek advice from my mother or anyone I trust. I don’t know what to think. I want to build something meaningful with him, but our beliefs are clearly misaligned.
Besides, I am questioning his feelings for me. If this man truly loves me, would he be asking this of me? I have never imagined myself in a polygamous marriage let alone a polyamorous relationship. Will I be wrong to walk away from him?
—Audrey
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It wont be wrong to walk away my dear he doesn’t really love you because if he does he wont even think of the polygamorous relationship
Just walk away. He’s head isn’t straight. As he man thinketh so he is like the bible says. You don’t need to stay with a person to determine who he is or she is. Their words alone describes them. Like you said you are young so you deserve someone better with a pure mind.
You asked for advice and what the 2 ladies have written provides all you need to know. Talk to your mum for her opinion too, remember this is a huge red flag which has been revealed to you before the big jump!
Tell him that you too have looked into polyamorous relationships and you’re interested in bringing other men into your circle. He thinks that polyamorous relationships are an avenue for him to cheat with your permission. Remind him that it can go both ways. This should help him rethink his stance. If he agrees to let you explore too, just quietly leave him as it only proves that you’re alone in this relationship and he doesn’t care about you. Also don’t blame yourself for bringing it up. He was clearly thinking about cheating before, this just provided him with a legitimate excuse. You’d be surprised to find out that it is his second girlfriend that he wants to bring into the relationship.