“Is that your boyfriend?” Kwaku’s reply to my WhatsApp status popped up on my screen. “Yes.” I texted back. He didn’t believe me so he called. While we were talking he playfully asked “Did you say you were in a relationship?” I answered again, “Yes. The guy I posted on my WhatsApp status is my boyfriend.” He sounded disappointed by my answer but I didn’t pay attention to him. I didn’t understand why it mattered to him whether or not I was seeing someone. He and I were not friends. We just knew each other from the school I used to teach at. He is the parent of one of the kids in the school. 

After that conversation, we texted from time to time. A year later Kwaku confessed his feelings for me. He said “I fell in love with you the first time I saw you at school. I didn’t want to be inappropriate so I kept it to myself. When you left the school, I thought that was my chance to come forward. Before I could tell you about my interest, I found out about your boyfriend. It’s been a year now, and I want you to know that my feelings have matured like wine, with the passing of time. Will you be my girlfriend?” Truth be told, I saw that proposal coming a year ago. And I had no interest in being his girlfriend. My response was, “As I told you the last time you asked, I am in a relationship. I appreciate you telling me about your feelings but I can’t be with you.” This time it was a lie. My relationship had ended a few weeks prior to the conversation. I was heartbroken and had zero interest in love or men.

 Somehow Kwaku didn’t believe I was in a relationship. He said, “Sometimes women say this when they are not interested in a man. And that’s what you are doing right now. What I don’t understand is why. I thought we had a connection.” After some back and forth, and relentless persuasion from him, I accepted his proposal. To my surprise, we clicked perfectly. Our relationship was as new as day but I started seeing my future with him. We talked frequently on the phone and spent a lot of time intimately. Two weeks into the relationship I travelled out of Accra for a family emergency. While I was away, my boyfriend called me. This particular call wasn’t like the other calls. 

The first thing he said was “I did something. And I am very sorry that happened. I want you to know that I love you and I don’t want to lose you.” He wasn’t making any sense. “What did you do? You know you can tell me anything.” He sighed heavily “Chale I go buy p**sy oo.” In my ignorance, I asked, “How much did you pay?” He knew I didn’t understand his slang so he said “We’ll talk when you return from your trip.” Realization dawned on me then, “Wait, did you get married?” He started spewing questions, “How did you know? Who told you?” With a shaky voice, I said, “Well that’s my answer.” Everything was a blur of motions after that. I remember arriving at a friend’s doorstep drenched in rain and tears.

My friend was shocked to see me show up looking like that. I was shivering from the cold and the pain of Kwaku’s deception. I kept asking my friend, “Why did he do that? I tried to stay away from him but he was persistent. Why did he do that when he knew he was getting married?” 

I woke up the next morning sore from all the crying I did the previous night. Luckily, I didn’t throw my phone away in the confusion of the moment. Immediately after I switched it on, Kwaku’s call came through. I answered it and gave him my piece of mind in the calmest way possible. When I finished he pleaded, “I mean it when I say that I am sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please understand.” I was still angry and hurt so I told him we’d talk another time. I was on my way to Accra when he called me again. I shouldn’t have answered that call. I should have blocked his number there and then. But I didn’t. I was looking for closure. I wanted to know why he did it. I answered his call and let it slip that I was on my way to Accra. I told him I’d let him know when I got home so we talk.

When I alighted at my junction he was waiting for me. He offered to drop me at home. I didn’t want to be in the same space with him but there were people around. I didn’t want to cause a scene. 

That day was the beginning of a messy situation. We talked and he assured me that he truly loved me and he wished he was married to me instead. The next day he called me and we spoke again. And it happened again the day after that. Until we couldn’t go a day without talking to each other. Two weeks after his wedding, he was in my bed, both of us basking in post-coital glow whiles declaring our undying love for each other. It was like watching a bad accident happen. Emotions took over logic, and it felt so right. In those early days, I thought he just wanted shuperu and that with time, he would get tired and go back to his wife. That wasn’t the case. The more of myself I gave to him, the more he kept coming back for more. It’s been a year since we started the affair. And our love grows stronger with each passing day. 

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There are days I am not able to look at myself in the mirror because of the wreckage I am causing in another woman’s marriage. I tried to break up with Kwaku three times. Three times he came begging me to take him back. How could I not? It always hurts when I break up with him. We agreed that eventually, I would meet someone and also settle down. Whenever we say this, Kwaku tells me “I hope you know that this thing between us will not end when you get married. I may not have put a ring on your finger and vowed to love you till death do us part but that’s how I feel. There’s no end to us.” When he talks like that I get really scared. I keep thinking about his poor wife who doesn’t deserve what we are doing to her. I love him but my conscience deals with me every time I think of him. Once, I met a guy and tried to call things off with Kwaku. He went crazy and acted as if I am the only woman in his life. I had to break up with the guy.

We’ve gotten to a point where we use live location to track each other’s movement. This is because Kwaku has gotten insecure and needs to know everything I am doing every time. It’s really bad. He calls me at least five times a day. We are always texting on WhatsApp and doing video calls when we are apart. This is the kind of love I want. Someone who is my friend and my lover. Someone, I can completely be myself with. Unfortunately, Kwaku is someone else’s husband. We know that what we share is wrong but it feels right. We always say that we found each other at the wrong time. 

I have never felt this strongly about anyone before.

I am sharing my story here because I need help. I know I should let him go but all the times I tried backfired. Maybe I am a weak woman who can’t do the right thing. I want that to change. How do I walk away from him and stay gone?

–Goddess

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