According to the teachings of my religion, it is not right for a man’s mother to move in with him after marriage. My religion also does not condone to wives contributing financially to paying bills in the house. A man’s headship has to be proven by his ability to provide for his family and govern his home.
My wife understands these teachings. We both share the same religious beliefs so it makes it easier for us to practice what we believe as a family. My problem is, that she is using the teachings of our faith to bring a rift between me and my mum.
I am currently forty-two while she is thirty-nine, yet she acts as if she knows better than me. When she decides that she doesn’t want something, nothing I say to change her mind works. It’s the same way she does whatever she wants whether or not I agree with it. We’ve been married for nine years now, and it has always been like this. Whatever she says, goes, but what I have to say doesn’t matter.
One of our recurring fights since we got married has to do with my mother. Every time I ask my mother to come and live with us for a while, my wife says no. This puts me in a difficult situation. I am always torn between choosing something that makes my mother happy for a short while while offending my wife, or choosing my wife’s happiness over my mother’s.
I usually hate it when I have to choose what my wife wants over what I believe my mother needs. I am who I am today because of my mother’s hard work and perseverance. If she hadn’t raised me right, my wife wouldn’t find me desirable enough to agree to marry me.
I am her only child. And I became the continuation of my father’s lineage after we lost him when I was nine years old. It was hard but she didn’t have a choice. She had to continue the parenting journey alone. She raised me as a single parent. I attribute all my success today to the sacrifices she made for me.
I had to move to the city for work while she continued to stay in the village. Whenever I got a little break, I would go to the village to spend time with her. I still visit as often as possible, but those visits are no longer enough. She is no more as strong and healthy as she used to be.
I believe it is best if she lives close to me. That way I would keep a close eye on her. I would help her watch her diet, make sure she takes her medication correctly, and take proper care of her. You know how their health gets in old age.
Here lies the case where my wife wouldn’t accept a short visit. So imagine her reaction when I suggested my mum move in with us so I am in a better position to look after her. When I tried to persuade her she plainly told me; “The day your mother moves into this house is the day I leave. So think about what you want and decide.” Why does it have to get to this point where she is presenting me with an ultimatum: Either my mother or her?
When her mother visits, I receive her warmly. I do everything possible to be nice to her. However, my own mother isn’t allowed to stay in our house. The only times she came around were in the past when she visited us.
It matters to me that my mother comes to live with us. So I invited some elders to speak to my wife in hopes that she would change her mind. All she said was, “I understand your case but I don’t want to be uncomfortable in my own home. I need my space.” We asked her what she meant by that statement but she didn’t have any explanation for us. Only that my mother’s presence in our house would take away her space.
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If you are wondering, she has a good relationship with my mother. My mum has never been unkind to her. She remains nice to her to this day. I love this woman who gave me life so much. I love my wife too. That’s why I wish she would agree to what I want peacefully. I would hate to disregard her reservations and bring my mum home anyway.
What I don’t even understand is, it’s not as if my mum’s presence is going to take anything away from her financially. She does not contribute a penny to the management of the home. If I talk she would tell me that according to the Bible, men must provide. Meanwhile, we went to church recently and heard a scripture that said; “Let husband render unto the wife due benevolence; likewise also the wife unto the husband.”
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She always claims she doesn’t have money when we need money for the home. I know times are hard but she earns 150,000 NGN. Yet we don’t even spend a dime of her money. Everything the home needs falls on me. My mum’s upkeep too.
She eats well when I visit. She is active and lively too. However, when I leave she feels lonely, sad, and is unable to eat. I have hired someone to live with her and take care of her but it’s not the same as living with family. I am all the family she has but my wife refuses to open our home to her. What do you advise I do?
— Ishmael
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You allow religious dictate ruin your peace. Let me tell you something when you get seriously ill right now and your wife becomes fed up she will send you to your mom to take care of you. In short there is nothing precious than your family. Your wife is an outsider besides that she is being outrightly selfish . The love of christ is not like this . Brother you only have one mother ,the moment she dies you won’t get another agian but for your wife you can remarry again. So choose your mom over your wife. Cherish the moment you have with your mom because life is too short. If your wife leaves so be it. Don’t fear starting all over again. Don’t kill yourself for someone who is not worth it like your wife. Grow some spine my brother or else your wife will kill you before your mom leaves this world . Rules are meant to be broken .you determine how to run your home besides the bible teaches us to support one another, love and be selfless,care and cherish one another . The Bible never stated that the man must do everything and the wife should not contribute a dime. Y are some churches using religion or their false teaching to bind people and also put fear in them? Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free. The truth can only be found in the word of God. When you hear the word go back and conform its truth because now some pastors are preaching lies not the truth. If possible just stop attending such church go to any presby or methodist church around you. I guess you are not the only one going through such things in your church.
It’s hard being between a rock and a hard place . In the area you live do you rent or do you have a compound you’ve already built your house? If you have built your house is it possible to build an extra unit just for your mum that way she is in the compound without necessarily being in your house this might solve your current problem if your wife agrees if she doesn’t then that is a cold hearted selfish woman and you will have to either stand your ground or compromise
What nonsense is this? Who is the man of this hse? 😔
Man I feel your pain; if you can make extra or have extra cash. Rent for your mother in the city where you are. I’m sharing with you how a friend dealt with his. It really worked. He kept his marriage and family (mother). Trust me there were more rooms in his house to accommodate the mother but the wife, hmmmm
So you take care of the house financially, and yet you are not the man of the house. Don’t break your mother’s heart, after all she has been through with you. Discuss your situation with her. If she says she is fine with her current situation, leave her alone. However if she wants to live with you, bring her in and let your wife do whatever she wants. When your father died, she could have taken another man and made you second in her life, but she didn’t. Think about that.
You said it all.
42 and he think like 18yrs boy inlove
Since she has been like that for 9 years then let things be like that because the story is even over me
And you’ve been tolerating this for 9 years? What’s so special about her mum that she can visit but your mum can not visit? Some women are heartless and selfish. My dear, tell her you’re going to bring your mum and do exactly that then find a house help to cater for her. If she wants to leave she should leave. I’m a woman too but this is outrageous.
Are you the man of the house or a boy???….Go bring your mom and watch her leave whatever.
Get a house help to take good care of your mom and give her a good peaceful life before she departs this world else you will regret it the rest of your life.
Forget that witch called a woman bro.
Divorce her if it calls for it .
Such witchcraft and you are here tolerating nonsense.
Which church did you say you attend that told you that women shouldn’t contribute financially in their marriages? Please read the Bible yourself and stop allowing some Pastors deceive you. A woman doesn’t contribute but makes decisions..?
I really don’t understand your story. Is your wife against your mum visiting or your mum living with you? From your story, you’ve really not provided any solid reason why your mum should move in with you. Your wife deserves peace in her house, not bringing a third party to come and live with you. Also I feel that you may be prejudiced towards your mum, to you she’ll always be the kind person who’s never wrong. So when she and your wife have issues, who will you support? When you and your wife have issues, who will she support? If your mum had an acute illness that necessitated her living in your home, I would agree with you, but this just seems unprovoked. Personally, I don’t support mother in laws moving into their children’s households. It usually causes problems especially in this case when your wife has already said no. As for her not contributing financially to the home, you’re to blame for that. It’s the two of you that have allowed one pastor preach pus to you all in the name of religion. Try and study the Bible for yourself and see if you can find biblical proof for that asinine assertion. After that you know what to do. But a word to the wise, all those advising you to ignore your wife and move your mother in won’t live with you. The truth is that your mum and your wife have different roles to fill in your life and both roles are equally important, but it’s your wife whose place is always in your home and not your mother.
What is so special about her mum that you always allow her to visit without blinking an eye. Your mum is also your treasure, if you ask me , I would say you should allow your mum in and find a help to take care of her. Some women can be too selfish.
I really don’t understand your story. Is your wife against your mum visiting or your mum living with you? From your story, you’ve really not provided any solid reason why your mum should move in with you. Your wife deserves peace in her house, not bringing a third party to come and live with you. Also I feel that you may be prejudiced towards your mum, to you she’ll always be the kind person who’s never wrong. So when she and your wife have issues, who will you support? When you and your wife have issues, who will she support? If your mum had an acute illness that necessitated her living in your home, I would agree with you, but this just seems unprovoked. Personally, I don’t support mother in laws moving into their children’s households. It usually causes problems especially in this case when your wife has already said no. As for her not contributing financially to the home, you’re to blame for that. It’s the two of you that have allowed one pastor preach pus to you all in the name of religion. Try and study the Bible for yourself and see if you can find biblical proof for that asinine assertion. After that you know what to do. But a word to the wise, all those advising you to ignore your wife and move your mother in won’t live with you. The truth is that your mum and your wife have different roles to fill in your life and both roles are equally important, but it’s your wife whose place is always in your home and not your mother.
It’s always easy to have a good, even perfect relationship with your in laws when they don’t live with you. Once they live with you, it becomes very different. You have to really watch yourself so as not to offend the balance of your relationship with them. Anyone who tells you it will not affect your lives greatly is telling you a complete lie. It will affect the way things are done in your home.
First of all, your wife has to make herself available at your mother’s service all the time. Secondly, she cannot even do simple things such as wear certain kinds of clothes around the home. One of your major concerns is diet. I don’t think you cook for the home. So she has to ensure mama has breakfast, lunch and dinner at a certain time and in a certain way. It is a lot of adjustment. With her own mother, she dictates how her mom behaves in her matrimonial home. With your mother, she dares not. That’s the difference.
If I were you, I would rent a place closer to the house, and let your mom move in with her help. Let each person have her space. You being an only child also means your mom will not like certain things your wife may do or engage your assistance on. Mothers are like that. You may not even have a problem with it, but once she has to be exposed to it on a daily basis, gradually it will weaken her love and affection for your wife.
Your wife doesn’t hate your mother. She is only trying to protect the rakruonshop and preserve it with all the respect it deserves.
Be wise in your handling this issue. Don’t listen to those questioning your masculinity and ruin your home over something that could be avoided.
Rent a place closer to home for your mom and check on her as regularly as you want. Gradually, your wife will lose her stance and make the room to adapt to the changes living with your mum would come with. She first of all has to roeoared psychologically because she is the one who would be affected the most by all of this.
All the best.
you’re the man and a sole contributor of the house, take a decision that will help your only parent left. If she can’t let her go
This nonsense must stop!
I understand that bringing ur parent to stay with you can create a problem, this happens when you guys share everything together. In a situation where she’s left burden on you alone then u have to man up