I’m yet to see a perfect marriage in real life. All those “happily ever after” stories I have read in fairytales and romance novels are just that, stories. When I watch Romcoms and the couple go through a little rough patch and all of a sudden experience marital bliss till they grow old and gray, I scoff; “So unrealistic.” No, I am not a pessimist. I am just a realist. I have been married for thirteen years and in my experience, the bumps in the road just don’t go away after one big fight. Happiness and peace in marriage is an intentional thing.

My husband, for the purpose of this story, I call him Supremo. He is a beautiful soul. That’s why it was so easy to choose him. I was already in a relationship when I met him. I started dating Kwame when I was in high school. He promised he was going to marry me after I complete high school. However, he traveled abroad before I could complete school. Even after that, we tried to keep the relationship going.

He told me, “Although I am far away from you, my heart still beats for you. Wait for me. I will still come and marry you.” I was willing to wait. We tried to keep the communication flowing consistently. However, at some point, the fire started going down. I would text him today and he would respond tomorrow. I would call him yesterday and he would return my call next week. How could we keep a relationship going while we are continents apart if we wouldn’t talk to each other?

I started losing interest in the relationship. It was at that point that I met Supremo. I liked him instantly. When he proposed love to me, I accepted it. I didn’t want to have Kwame lurking in the shadows thinking I was still his woman. Besides, I know that some partners get extremely jealous when there is an ex in the picture. So I called Kwame and told him, “I have met someone, and we are together. I hope you move on too.” He tried to stay in my life as a friend, but I didn’t want to make my new man uncomfortable. So I cut him off.

Supremo and I have had beautiful moments. We have also had our bad ones. Through our changing seasons, one of the things that made me uncomfortable was his association with his exes. Unlike me, my husband has more experience when it comes to relationships. At the time I met him, he had gone to the university, done his national service, and was working. He also owned a small traveling agency. This means he met a lot of people along his path. So he has a lot of exes. I expected this guy to cut off his exes like I did mine, but you know men and their stubbornness.

In my experience, being friends with an ex is always a tricky business. Even if you are merely Facebook friends or you exchange birthday texts. There seems to be no best way to be friends with an ex without making your partner feel uncomfortable. This is what I tried to explain to my husband several times but he kept telling me I had no cause to worry.

He assured me that there was nothing romantic about their relationship, but I wasn’t okay with it. Because of this, we were always fighting. We fought about other things too. There were times when we would both be angry at each other without cause.

Although I hated the fights, one thing I like about Supremo is his willingness to thrash things out so they don’t develop into something so big that it would destroy our marriage. That’s one thing I have learned when it comes to fighting in marriage. You need to do it the right way. The goal is not to abuse your partner or dismiss their concerns. You must be ready to listen and have open and honest dialogues. This is how you understand each other and tackle the issues eating through the happiness of the home.

Ever since my husband and I figured this out, our lives have been happier. In all situations, we talk. In our conversations, we get to understand what was miscommunicated and what was misunderstood. Everybody accepts their role in the whole fight and apologizes accordingly. It may seem difficult but it’s easy to do when you take into consideration your partner’s peace, happiness, and feelings. Just as you expect to be forgiven when you are remorseful, offer the same grace when your partner regrets their actions and genuinely apologizes.

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This is how my husband and I learned to fight the right way in marriage. For almost thirteen years, we have not had need to involve a third party in our problems. I mean, if you cannot listen to your own husband or wife, then who will you listen to? We don’t hold on to grudges for too long because we know that as humans, we are flawed. No two people can maintain a well-balanced relationship without both of them faltering. The only catch is, don’t keep repeating the same mistakes and keep apologizing for them. When you do that, they are no longer mistakes. They are just intentional acts that hurt your partner.

My husband has minimized his interactions with his exes. I have also come to understand that he has nothing romantic to do with them. He has proven it to me with actions and I trust him. We both want our marriage to work so we are giving it our all. We know that the success of our marriage is absolutely our responsibility. So we’ve promised not to entertain anything or people who will jeopardize the peace we’ve striven so hard to build. I am not saying we have a perfect marriage. All I am saying is that we are happy together.


We are teammates. That’s why we always have each other’s backs. Even when we are fighting, we know that we are not fighting each other. We are fighting a problem. So whatever sacrifices (necessary evil) need to be made for the good of the team, we make them. After all, we are in this together. Every day when I set goals, I include the part where I want to be a loving wife and a great mother. He is also committed to being an amazing husband to me, and parent to our kids. This is what is keeping us going strong even now that I live overseas.

I am sharing this note as a love letter to my Supremo. I don’t regret choosing you, my dear. I know the future is unknown but I assure you that there is no other man on this green earth for me as long as I have you. It doesn’t matter how far apart we are, my heart is closer to yours now more than ever. In everything I do, it is still my goal to be a good wife to you, and the kind of mother our children will emulate. My love, I know we don’t have a perfect marriage but you will always be my forever.

—Ditto

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