One early morning, I was on my way to work when a car pulled up beside me. The traffic was terrible, and I was running late. So I was more than relieved when he asked; “Do you want a lift?” He asked where I was going and I told him. That changed everything. It turned out we worked for the same company.

I expected us to have a quiet ride to work. Even if we were to talk, nothing beyond work. To my surprise, the driver was pleasant. He didn’t exhibit an air of self-importance. He was just down to earth. If you saw us in the car that morning, you’d think we were old friends catching up on life.

When we got to work he asked for my number. I didn’t hesitate to give it to him. I mean, why not? We worked at the same place and lived in the same neighbourhood. Proximity makes friendships develop faster, or so they say. That’s how it happened with us too.

After our first encounter, he volunteered to pick me up after work every day. That’s how we nurtured the friendship. Over time we got quite close. It was all friendship for me but he proposed love to me.

At that time I had taken some breaks off relationships. Too much pain and hurt from my past. When I explained my situation to him, he assured me that his intentions were pure. “I am not here to waste your time. I want to make you my wife.” His actions also aligned with his words.

Despite my initial hesitation, I decided to trust him. Nonetheless, I didn’t say yes to his proposal. I wanted to know him better before making a commitment.

As we spent more time together, I noticed he was becoming overly attached. It made me feel like I was leading him on. As though I would be doing him wrong if, in the end, I didn’t date him. I felt uneasy because of this.

I figured I would change things by creating some distance between us. So that year when my rent expired, I relocated. He also travelled abroad to pursue a master’s degree. What better distance than an ocean between us? Communication became less frequent during this period but we didn’t lose touch.

A year later, we crossed paths again. He was ecstatic to see me. I too was happy to see him. The friendship picked up right there. He visited often. And it didn’t take long for him to tell me, “Do you know I haven’t gotten over you? I still want to make you my wife.” I remember telling him, “The last time you proposed to me, I wasn’t ready. This time around too, I am not ready. I am recovering from a heartbreak.” He didn’t let it go. He pushed and pushed until I agreed to introduce him to my mother.

When my mom met him, she liked him immediately. “He seems like a good person. If you like him, give him a chance,” she advised. I did like him. That made it easier for me to give him a chance.

I made it clear from the beginning that I didn’t want a sexual relationship before marriage. He agreed to my terms, only to force himself on me when I visited him one day.

I was heartbroken. His lips overflowed with apologies. In the end, I told myself, “Well, I am already dating him so there’s not much to do.” I chose to forgive him and continue the relationship.

Later, he got a job overseas and moved away. Then the relationship became strained and distant as a result. I couldn’t even describe what we had anymore.

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Two years later, I also got a job abroad, coincidentally in the same country. We reconnected and started talking again, but the relationship remained bittersweet.

I stayed anyway, hoping for things to get better. They didn’t. They became worse. Every time I tried to communicate my needs he would call me all sorts of derogatory names. One time he said I didn’t respect him. Another time, I visited him and saw a chat on his phone. It was between him and another lady. Their messages were filled with love emojis. I confronted him and it turned into a big fight.

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Now, he is telling me; “If you think you don’t want me anymore, you are allowed to leave me.” Our relationship is five years old. Before we began, we were friends for four years. I thought I knew him well enough but I know now that I don’t.

I am currently in my mid-thirties. How do I get back all the precious years I wasted dating him? He said his intentions were pure but look at us now. He has betrayed my trust and trashed my love. I am so hurt. I don’t think I can ever forgive him for this.

—Ewura

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