I think I’m into older women. I didn’t know this about myself until recently. All along, I thought there was something wrong with me—as if my heart was too cold to feel love, let alone love someone. I want to believe that’s why I’m almost forty but still single.

It’s not as if I have never been in a relationship or loved a woman. I believe the last time I truly loved a woman with all my heart was in 2014. I thought we were forever, but life happened. I still remember how broken I felt when it all ended. I was in pieces. I cried like a baby missing his mother. I didn’t think I would ever recover from it, but time gave me the grace to heal.

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Maybe I healed too much. Or maybe I didn’t heal at all. I don’t know how to describe it, but ever since I pulled myself together and moved past that breakup, my heart has refused to beat for another woman.

Oh, I have dated a couple of women since her. It’s not as if I didn’t try. It just happened that I didn’t love them as well as I should have. Sometimes I even felt bad for them. They went above and beyond to show me how much they loved me, but it was like a drop of water in my ocean of indifference.

There were times I tried to force myself to feel something for them. “Look at Abena,” I would say to myself. “She is giving me her all, but she means little to nothing to me. Is that fair to her?” I would shake my head and admit it wasn’t fair, but love can’t be forced. The sad part is, I wouldn’t leave these women despite how I felt.

They were the ones who usually got tired and left me. And when they did, I didn’t miss them. I didn’t even think much about them. It was as though all their efforts to make me happy didn’t leave a mark on me. This is why I was convinced my last relationship had left me too broken to love and accept love.

However, things have changed. For the first time in ten years, I find myself falling in love. It all feels strange to me because this woman is five years older than I am. I didn’t think much of it when we started flirting with each other.

I honestly thought we were just playing, but the conversations kept getting more intense with time. “Do you think there’s a chance we can date?” we discussed. Marriage even came up at some point.

I am surprised at the way my heart reacts to her. Unlike the other women from my past, I think about this woman all the time. And when her thought crosses my mind, I get butterflies. Yes, I feel butterflies for a woman at my big age.

This woman hasn’t done anything extra to gain my affection. My heart is just gravitating toward her so naturally, like it did with the woman I loved ten years ago.

The one thing these women have in common is their age. The last woman I loved was older than I was, while the other girls I couldn’t bring myself to love were all younger than me. Now, I find myself falling in love with this woman who is also older than I am. This is why I am convinced I have a thing for older women. If that weren’t the case, then why couldn’t I love the younger women who did everything to prove they were worthy of my love?

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Now, here’s my problem. At my age, dating an older woman means being with a woman who is past her prime. As someone who wants kids, I feel I might regret it if I end up with a woman who is past her childbearing age.

I spoke to my counselor, and she advised me against settling down with an older woman. “You are cute,” she said. “You look so much younger than a man who is pushing forty. You can take advantage of that and land yourself a younger woman.”

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I don’t think her advice is bad. After all, if I am going to have kids, I should do it with a wife who is strong and can be around long enough to handle our kids until they become independent and mature. Imagine if we are both old and on pension, raising little kids. Or worse, we could both die from old age and leave the kids orphaned.

I have thought about all these possibilities, but here lies the case where the heart wants what it wants. I don’t know if I should throw caution to the wind and follow my heart, or if I should listen to my counselor and find myself a younger woman—even if it means a loveless marriage.

Which path do you advise I take?

— Shaggy

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