On the outside, I am always smiling. People see me and envy me because they think I have a good marriage. They talk about how amazing and generous my husband is. Some married women have even remarked, “I wish my husband was like yours.” And the single ones have often said, “When I grow up I want to marry a man like your husband. He is so generous.” My response to both groups is a forced smile, and an enthusiastic, “Keep praying, God will do it!” They hear this and think all is well with me.
What they don’t hear are the things I say in my head. Things like, “Tofiakwa! God, deliver this clueless woman from a man like mine.” Other times I would just think, “If only you knew the monstrosity I call a husband, you would accept your husband as he is.” That’s life for you, you look at someone clutching their cards to their chest and assume you’ve been dealt a bad hand.
The way my husband behaves makes me wonder how many women out there smile, take beautiful family portraits, and write long thesis about being in a happy marriage are being honest about the state of their marriage. I ask myself how many of them wish they could walk away but are afraid of what society will say about them. I wonder about these things because I am one of those smiling wives in beautiful family portraits.
I am a homemaker or as some prefer to say, a housewife. In this current economic era, it takes a husband who is financially secure enough to provide for his family’s every need to have a wife like me. That’s one of the things that make people think I have it good. What they don’t know is that it’s not my choice. It was my husband’s decision that I quit my job.
When I refused at first, he made my life miserable. He kept holding the, “I am the head of this family so you must obey me,” line over my head. Let me not forget the verbal and emotional abuse attached. He said he didn’t want people to think he couldn’t take care of his wife. The chaos continued until I agreed to stay at home.
Currently, we have a ten-month old daughter. I don’t like the fact that all I do is stay at home. So I suggested to my husband that he set up a shop for me. The plan was for me to have something to keep me busy and earn some money for myself. That way I wouldn’t completely be at his mercy. This man refused. He said he didn’t have the money for it. That’s his response to everything I ask him for: “I don’t have money for that.”
He never has money for anything when it involves me and our daughter, yet he wouldn’t let me work and earn an income to support myself. And I know that he pretends not to have money. I found out when I went through his phone one day. He was texting a lot of women. Some of them were his exes. He told them he missed them and that they should come to him. The ones who don’t care that he is married oblige. In return for whatever sexual favours they offer him, he either invests in their business or sets up a shop for them. He has done this for quite a number of them.
The first time I saw this I was enraged. Why would you set up shops for your exes while your wife is at home idle? Why would you provide for another woman’s needs while your unemployed wife sometimes has to beg you to provide necessities? You go out there and spend money anyhow but to keep money at home is a mountain too high for you to climb?
When I confronted him about his cheating ways and spending habits, it turned into a fight. This man had no shred of remorse. When tempers cooled down, I sat him down calmly and told him how his actions made me feel. He didn’t listen to me. He rather got offended and said all sorts of hurtful words to me. At the end of the conversation he told me, “I am a man. And my manhood works well so I will use it the way I want. If you are not happy with my lifestyle, you can go back to your father’s house.”
That’s the state of my marriage. I am forced to either turn a blind eye to his infidelities or get told to leave if I am not happy. He would even leave the house and go sleep at fancy hotels with his women. Then when he gets home, he would expect me to act like a dutiful wife and not question his whereabouts. If I as much suggest that I am not pleased he left home, it would turn into a fight.
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That fight would leak into everything we do together as a couple. Even social gatherings. He would look for an opportunity to attack everything I do just because I reacted to a cheating incident. It doesn’t help matters that his verbal abuse has now escalated to public scenes. At first, he would wait until we got home to unleash his inner beast, but these days he does not care. No matter where we are or who we are with, this man has no problem shouting at me and insulting me at the least provocation.
To save myself from all these troubles, I would just have to endure whatever nasty stuff he does outside. And maybe, if that was all I had to deal with, it would have been easier to cope. Here lies the case where my husband treats our baby with the same disregard he treats me. He shows no affection for this child. He speaks to our girl as if she is his age mate. They say men love their daughters so much. I got a man who treats ours as though she is just a prop in our marriage. He doesn’t even like to pick her up when she is crying and I am busy.
Would You Help Your Woman Attain Higher Position Than Yourself?
Nobody who knows us knows even one-tenth of this hell I am experiencing in the name of marriage. I act like all is well but I feel myself dying on the inside. I have been in pain for so long that it’s taking a toll on my physical health. I am not ready to keep enduring this for however long it will go on. Since he is always telling me to go to my father’s house if I am not happy in the marriage, I have decided to do just that.
The good news is that our marriage was not signed in court. We had a traditional ceremony. So I will leave, and then have my father return his drinks. I know it’s not going to be easy to start my life all over but I believe whatever difficulty I face out there is not going to be worse than my marriage. I am just here to pour out my heart and ask for your best wishes as I take this life-altering decision.
— Olamide
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I support you. The beginning is not always easy but the end thereof is worth it. Please don’t include any third party because they will convince you to stay . Live for God, yourself and your baby girl. Don’t fear, God is with you and I believe you can do whatever you set your mind to.
Olamide,
In your story, I didnt see you talking to the one who ordained your marriage (GOD) about your issues in the marriage neither did I see you talking to people your husband revere eg. Parents or church leaders as well
Could it be because your marriage was not signed in court so you think its not the type that you need to give your husband the needed respect and reverence he deserves?
It has only been “fight and I sat him down”.
You have not admitted to any wrong doing in all of the hideous accusation you’ve made against your husband.
Makes me wonder who in his right senses will just decide to marry his enemy whiles there are other women he could move out and spend nights with without remorse.
Even the lion who is the king of the jungle, when treated well is able to live among humans harmlessly
Your story doesn’t add up, I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU!
As for maameafua di3, I dont even know why the admins are still keeping her here, that girl is a bad influence and should be stopped. She never dey give sensible advice da
Look at what she just wrote up there, nkwaseasem nkwaaa
Aboa bi sei!
Madam if you don’t leave early u will soon turn to that Nigerian gospel singer oooo so look sharp
Aha! You’re now talking!
Aah! So u knew leaving is the answer yet u wrote this long article
Olamide, may God be your strength. What is marriage? It a union where two people decide to leave family and every other man or woman, and join together to take this journey of life. In Ghana, most families and even the church advise both man and woman to be gainfully employed or self-employed where possible, to ensure that one acts as backup for the other in times of crisis. What is the rational behind a man asking a spouse to stop working to show the world that he is capable of catering for his wife and child, when, in actual fact, he has no intention of supporting them? A man who aims at destroying a wife’s source of income at the outset of a marriage has an ulterior motive. Right now, you are emotionally battered and financially handicapped. You can end up with mental health issues or suicide if the abuse becomes unbearable. You’re also in danger of acquiring dangerous sexually transmitted diseases due to your husband’s promiscuity. If you’re to stay alive, go back home and inform your parents of the current situation. Let them inform his family. Elders from both families should invite him for a meeting and caution him. Your family should also insist on you returning to the main work stream to take care of yourself and your child. If he refuses to compromise, or change his promiscuous ways, separate from him and make a life for yourself and your child. Something or someone will soon humble him. Stay alive for your child and your parents, my dear. All the best.
He does not care about how his conduct affects u, he is not remorseful, he abuses you verbally and physically. He does not treat you with any love or affection, when you call out his ugly behavior he turns the tables against you. You are married to a narcissist. He intentionally stopped you working to exercise financial control over you. He will never stop or change. Run for your life!
Plz all what we women are saying is separation,we are not saying divorce
Plz separate from him for sometime,if he values what he has as in the marriage and what it entails,you and his daughter,he will work this out and come for you,if not let the latter be done