I Am Booking A Venue For My Wedding But I Am Not Sure I Love Him That Much

In 2015, I dated a guy who left the country to do his MBA in the UK. Things went bad when I stalked him on Twitter after he had asked me countless times if I had a Twitter account. So out of curiosity, I got a Twitter account and his account was the first one I checked out. I always knew what he was up to at every point. Initially, it was just fun, but one day I discovered that a white woman had been tweeting at him. Her tweets were, “I love your Kelewele.” “I sleep better now that you are in my life.” Then she started posting photos of them together. This made me so angry that one Saturday when Kofi called me on video call I couldn’t speak to him. 

When the call disconnected too I didn’t answer his subsequent calls. Instead, I sent him a text: “Don’t call or text me again.” Then I blocked him on WhatsApp, Facebook, and other platforms. Later, he also blocked me but he unblocked me. And I also unblocked him on WhatsApp. I even called to try and work things out but he didn’t pick up. Two weeks after that he sent me a text apologizing for anything he might have done to upset me. I was angry so I ignored the text and responded a week after I had calmed down.

 I found myself another boyfriend four years after Kofi. It isn’t that I couldn’t get another man after him, I just didn’t want to. I’m a very pretty woman, beautiful inside and out. I have it all;  boobs, ass, thighs, and beautiful legs. I’m also kind, sweet, intelligent, and quite talented. I’m a real lady. I love Jesus. It isn’t that I am bragging about myself but these are things people who know me say about me. Don’t get me wrong, I have my flaws. So my singleness wasn’t because I’m ugly or have a bad attitude. I was just emotionally unavailable to men. I feared I would get brokenhearted again.  

So when I met Kwame for the first time I didn’t want to pay attention to him. It was a year later that I finally agreed to be with him. And he was everything I wanted in a man. I never cared about a man’s looks until he came along. Kwame was so handsome and intelligent. I felt lucky to be with him. However, he lived in Kumasi, while I lived in Accra. But we were determined to thrive despite the long distance. We were in touch all day, every day although he was a medical doctor. I didn’t think he would have time for me but he did. He helped me out when I had deadlines to meet at work. And when it came to my family, he got along well with them. My mum was like a mother to him.

When I wanted to pursue my profession as a lawyer I told him, “I will settle for the Gambia if I don’t make it to Makola.” Kwame told me, “I don’t see why you can’t study and make it to Makola.” To him, I couldn’t fail. We were happy together until he told me four months into our relationship that he was getting married to someone else. My world crumbled all around me. When he realized I was hurt, he came to Accra immediately and told me; “Forget everything I have told you. I will still be here for you as your boyfriend so that you don’t feel betrayed.” I accepted his offer. It was easier to do because we never had shuperu. 

I carried on with my relationship with him as if he didn’t tell me he was engaged to be married. He also supported me emotionally, and financially. We did that till I checked out emotionally. Two days before his wedding we stopped talking, and it didn’t break my heart. He had prepared me psychologically so I was ready.

Years after my disentanglement from Kwame, I’m getting married to a guy from my childhood. We never dated. He’s a forty-four-year-old man who has never been married and never had kids. We used to talk years ago, but he insulted me so I stopped talking to him. He came to apologize a few months ago. After which he proposed that I marry him. Initially, I wanted to say no, because of our ugly past. I told myself, “A man who insults me doesn’t deserve me.” But now I have decided to settle for less. I am convinced that we can’t have it all in life. 

While I am a few months away from passing the bar, my fiancé doesn’t even have a degree. He is rich and generous so that works to his advantage. Apart from that everything else is some way. We barely talk because I can’t hold an intelligent conversation with him. He is the exact opposite of Kwame. I can’t count on him to help me fix stuff. For example, Kwame could tell me how to resolve a problem on my laptop or get something technical done. However, my fiancé can’t even perform basic functions on his phone. So I’m the teacher in the relationship. 

He has lived in the US for over ten years now, but he will be in Ghana in December for our marriage ceremony. My dilemma here is the educational gap between us. He’s the opposite of everything I want in a man but at this point, I’m determined to settle for less. Not because I don’t know my worth but because I’m running out of time. I am currently in my mid-thirties and I do not want to have children out of wedlock. I know that settling for him is wrong, but I also think I’ve seen it all. I have had love and romance but it didn’t take me to the altar of marriage. And here is a man who is willing to marry me in a heartbeat. So why shouldn’t I marry him? But I keep asking myself, “Is that what I truly want?” 

I’m scared that he might stop me from pursuing my dreams because of the educational gap between us. I’m not ready to stop schooling after I pass the bar. I want to pursue my LLM immediately and keep going to the highest. We’ve discussed all that, and he says I can do anything I want. But what if he changes his mind after marriage? These past few months that we’ve been talking, I have noticed he barely asks me how I’m doing. I’m the one who’s always posing the question “How are you?” He says “I’m good,” and leaves it there. I also found out that he’s an only child who was at loggerheads with everyone in his family, including his mum. But Somehow, I’ve been able to push him to be at peace with them.

I’m booking the venue for our wedding next week but I am not sure about the marriage. He keeps asking for the budget for our ceremony but I haven’t sent it to him yet. Even with the marriage list, he keeps asking how much I’ll need to buy the items, but again I’ve not given him a figure yet.

I told him that I want us to work on our communication first. And he asked, “What’s wrong with our communication? I am sure whatever you are worried about will be resolved when we get married.” 

I don’t think that he is right. We talk every day but we are not able to have a decent conversation. I can’t be in town, see something interesting and discuss it with him. We can’t gossip, and joke together. He doesn’t laugh. What I mean is, he’s never laughed since we started talking. It scares me when I all smile and he has a straight face. Will things get better once we get married? Lastly, I introduced him to my prayer meetings via Zoom. He joined once and never did again, despite indicating that he enjoyed it the first time. He always has an excuse for not joining even if I prompt him in time. He says he hasn’t been to church in nine years. 

READ ALSO: Our Child Was 9 Months Old When I Heard He Was Getting Married To Someone Else

My Pastor has approved of the marriage after all efforts to talk me out of it proved futile. He says he wants me to marry someone I love, who loves me equally. He wants me to be in a marriage where my spouse will be my friend among other things, yet, I’m hell-bent on getting married in December.

My male bestie, who is a widower has also done everything possible to talk me out of this journey I plan to embark on. “Leave the guy alone, you’ll end up frustrated and frustrating him in the process.” He always says. My response to him is always, “Nana, it’s too late to back out now.” He further tells me that it’s better to be late than to end up in a loveless marriage, but at this point, I feel like all these people advising me do not understand my plight. My fiancé may not be what I want but he’s quite generous. He sends me lots of money every time. He’s always looking out for what property he can help me acquire.

Please advise me. Should I go ahead with my planned marriage? Is it okay to marry someone you feel nothing for? Is it possible to love him after the wedding? 

I do not want to wait for a new man. I also haven’t met anyone else who’s willing to marry me. Neither am I meeting people I share mutual affection with.

At this point, I think all I need to do is to settle. Maybe I’ll find happiness later, but for now, I need to get married so I can have kids. This is because I was diagnosed with fibroid a few years ago, and I had to have a myomectomy to correct it. That’s why I feel like I am running out of time when it comes to having kids. What do I do?