My dad had this stinking pride in our tribe. He used to say something like, “There’s pride in being a full-blooded native. That’s something you don’t have to joke with.” So, when my senior sister came home with a man she wanted to marry and my father realized that he wasn’t our tribe’s man. He said no. Right in front of the man, he spoke in our language, telling my sister to let the man go or face his wrath. Nothing could change his mind so my sister let go of the man she loved so much. It took her five more years to be able to get another man in her life.

When my father died, I cried. Nothing can replace a father but at the back of my mind, I was happy for one thing; that I could marry any man of my dreams without any interference from my dad.

James came into my life and brought this kind of joy and warmth I’ve never experienced in my life. From day one I knew he was the one. He was a full package; handsome, friendly, God-fearing, knew how to treat a lady, and most importantly, his vision was larger than life. He made me part and parcel of his life and shared everything with me. There was no me without him and there was no James without me. A year after dating, He asked that we travel to my hometown to see my parents.

I knew everyone in his family and was friends with all of them but because my mom was in my hometown, which was far away from Accra, we didn’t get to meet her until James asked us to go there. We got up one morning, dressed up, and traveled to my hometown to meet my mother. Immediately she saw us, she asked in our native language, “Is he one of us?” I said, “He’s my boyfriend.” She said, “It’s obvious but I want to know if he’s one of us.” I pretended I didn’t understand what she was saying. She kept repeating herself until James realized there was something wrong. He asked, “Is anything wrong?” I said, “Not at all. She’s telling me something relating to our family.”

She refused to give us a chair to sit on. She said, “I won’t disrespect your father’s legacy. There are so many men around town. If you can’t get anyone to date, then stay single. It’s better that way.” James read my body language and knew something was wrong. He kept asking what was going on until I said, “My mom says she can’t give us your blessings because you are not one of us.” He laughed, thinking it was a joke. When he realized the whole thing was that serious, he asked for permission to leave.”

I apologized to him when we got to Accra. I asked him to give me some time to fix it. For close to a year, I tried persuading my mother. I sent a delegate of elders. My siblings joined but this woman said no, her husband’s wishes still stand. I told James, “We can go on with our lives with her approval or not. She can’t dictate to me.”

When we made plans to marry, I spoke to some relatives to stand in as my parents. Every one of them said no. “Your father’s ghost is not weak. He would haunt us if we do that.” The frustration was so much that we finally had to give up. James said, “This whole up and down is frustrating my spirit. We can’t fight with your whole family.” It was hard but we had to let go. It took us another year for us to let go completely. It was the only way we could soothe the pain but guess what, the pain of losing him was so much for me that I even fell sick.

I’m a woman who loves to be loved so after some time, I opened up to a guy I met who had the name of my tribe’s men. I later got to know that he came from a little town not too far from my father’s village. The day I took him home, you should have seen my mom jumping up and down like a kid who had seen his favorite sweet. She started shouting appellations for my boyfriend. She said, “Wherever your father is, he would be very proud of you.

We got married a little over a year later and not too long afterward, everything changed. He was working and I was working too but this my husband didn’t understand the fact that a man has to give housekeeping money or maybe he did but intentionally decided to ignore that part of his responsibility. He would stay out and drink all night with friends and come home later in the night to ask for food. When I ask for money from him, he would ask me, “Don’t you get paid for the work you do? What do you use that money for?”

My mother came to visit for a week. When she left, he told me point blank that my mother over-stayed and it should be the last time she would come around and keep that long. “She lives in her husband’s house without interference so she should never interfere in ours,” he said. Meanwhile, he never bought anything for the house while my mom was there.

Twice I caught him cheating. He had no remorse. He rather got angry at me for catching him. He said, “This should be your last time you’ll talk about me and women. You won’t have it easy the next time it happens.” I was in the marriage but never happy. He didn’t talk to me like married couples do and he never planned anything with me. It was like he was living his single life and I was living mine. I got tired. I ran to my mom and complained to her. She said, “You know our men are always like that. You have to use your woman powers to get him to listen to you.”

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The continuous loneliness in my marriage made me contact James one day. I missed him but he was married. When I called he said calmly, “I hope everything is alright.” I lied; “Yeah, “I’m fine.” He said, “You’re not fine. Tell me what’s wrong with you.” This is a man who knew me. So much so that he didn’t need to see me to know that I was worried. I told him everything and he said, “You don’t deserve that. If you can, walk away before things turn bad.” I couldn’t walk away. It wasn’t that simple. We’ve been married for three years and nothing has changed. While I keep having a raw deal in my marriage, my mother sleeps peacefully in her bed at night, forgetting the trouble she had pushed me in. Anytime I think of how she robbed me of a good man, I want to hate her. I want to hate the fact that she is my mother.

I see James having a good marriage. He’s always on social media singing the praises of his wife and kids. The photos he posts of them are amazing. I say to myself, “Had it not been my mother, I would have been the one enjoying this marriage but see…”

I look back and regret everything—my family, my parents, my marriage. My life. I wish I could go back and turn the clock to the time when all I had was James but it’s too late. All I have left is this drunkard who knows nothing about marriage but not willing to learn.

–Joyce

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