On my 30th birthday last month, my father called to wish me a happy birthday. After talking to him, he gave the phone to my mother. She wished me a happy birthday too. Among other things she said, “I wish you happiness. Above all, may this year be the year you bring a man home to cheer our hearts.” I said “Amen.” My dad took the phone from my mom. He said, “Come over this weekend. We need to talk.” I said, “What is the talk about?” He answered, “You come home and you’ll know. Your mom will cook your favorite for a belated birthday.”
On Saturday morning, I dressed up and drove to my parents’ house.
My Dad: “Do you have a boyfriend? I mean a man you are preparing to have a future with.”
Me: No I don’t. It’s not intentional. I’m taking my time to settle with the right one.
My mom: “Did you say you’re taking your time? At 30?”
Me: “But mom what can I do?”
My Dad: “There’s no right or wrong when it comes to men. You’re a woman. A man has to choose you. Whoever chooses you is the right one.
Me: “I want to choose whoever chooses me. I want to choose the right one and hope the right one can also choose me.”
My mom: “Who is the right one for you? What are you looking for in a man?”
Me: “I need a helpmate. Someone who will clean when I’m cooking. Someone who can help with the kids while I’m washing. I have dreams. I want a man who can help me build my dreams.”
They both burst out laughing.
My dad: “You’re not a man. A man looks for a helper. A man looks for a woman who can help build his dreams. You’re the helper and not the man. No wonder you still don’t have a man in your life at thirty.”
My mom: “Sylvia, see, don’t look at your car, your work, and your educational background and say nonsense. Our elders say that when a woman buys a gun, the gun will rest in the bosom of a man. If a man comes into your life right now, even if he comes with nothing, everything you own is his. Mellow and be found.”
They laughed at me in my presence. I laughed at them when I sat in my car and drove away. “A man can have a dream but a woman can’t.” A man can look for a helper. A woman can’t. A man this. A woman not this.” What sins did we commit that we can’t aspire to anything unless we follow a man’s lead? I asked myself.
It wasn’t the first time my parents have had such a conversation with me. They started the day my junior sister got married. She was twenty-four and I was twenty-six. They used her as an example of who a woman should be. She became the blueprint on which my life should be built if only I wanted to marry. The thing is, I’m not seeking to marry by all means. I’m seeking to build a life I can be proud of before anything else. Along the way, if I find a man who’s on the same wavelength as me, I will settle with him. Not a man first before anything.
When my sister got married, I was dating Alex. I was at the wedding with Alex. My mom loved Alex to bits (The same way she loved Martin. The same way she loved Fiifi) because he was tall. Anytime she spoke about him, she said, “This is the kind of man you go to gatherings with—a man that turns head.” Yes, Alex was handsome and all but he was selfish. He wanted to be ahead of me in every facet of life. So much so that if I got something he didn’t have, he couldn’t celebrate with me. I got a promotion at work. He had issues with it. I was with him when I decided to buy a car. He said, “What do you need a car for? Why don’t you invest the money instead?” I went ahead and bought the car anyway. A year later when he was buying his own car, he didn’t think of investing the money. He didn’t even tell me that he was going to buy a car. He went ahead and bought a car because he was a man. Men don’t talk to their women when they want to buy a car. They go ahead and get it because they are men.
Guess why he broke up with me?
My company took me outside the country for a training program. I spent only six months. While I was there, I spoke with him every morning and evening. I was the one calling each day. A month before I came back to Ghana, he sent me a message; “I think it’s better we go our separate ways. Don’t get me wrong. You haven’t done anything wrong but it looks like both of us are growing in different directions. We’ve grown way apart than closer over the years but we don’t see it. I want you to come back and start a new life without me.” I called him immediately. I asked for an explanation. He said, “That’s all that I’ve said. We’ve grown apart.”
He got married recently. Judging from the kind of woman he married, I now understand why he didn’t want me. I’m not judging the woman. I’m judging his reasons for not choosing me. He only wanted a woman who is way below him in everything. That way, he can be the Lord. He can be the head without questions. That way, he can speak and expect no other opinion against his.
So recently I met a guy. I liked him. He spoke fluently and looked like a guy who can figure his way out of a complicated maze. He liked me too. He always told me that he likes my intelligence and he likes me more because of how I’m aggressive in life. I loved that he knew me but I was studying him too. I wanted to know if he could be my helpmate. I wanted to weigh his patience and weigh his manly egos. We went out every Friday night and even spent a night at his place once. He hadn’t proposed then but I wanted to know how he lived his life in his home. So that visit was impromptu. After our usual Friday night outing, I told him, “I’m going to your house with you tonight. I want to know where you live.”
We got to his place. Very organized man. To meet a man’s room the way I met it meant two things; either he had a woman in his life or he’s just a man who takes his space very seriously. At 11pm I told him, “I’ve changed my mind I want to sleep over.” We shared a bed and all night this man didn’t even try to make a move at me. I loved him more that day. We had known each other for only two months but I was already sold.
We went out one evening and everything said he was going to propose. He asked me, “What do you look out for in a man you want to date?” I said everything I told my parents above. He was nodding throughout. I was happy. Nodding means he agreed with me, right? I kept going on and on. He asked, “What’s your educational background again?” I said, “Two master’s degrees. I had the first one when I didn’t know so much about life. Along the way, my interest changed so I decided to master in a different thing.” He asked, “So if tomorrow you find something else you’re interested in, you’ll probably master in that too?” I said, “It’s a constant learning curve down here on earth. If I have the money, time, and space, why not?”
I waited all night for the proposal but it didn’t come.
We parted ways that night and everything started changing. He didn’t call as he used to. He didn’t pick my calls as he used to. Even text messages, it took him forever to respond. I’m not a child. I’ve studied trends enough to know what’s changed. I asked him, “You’ve changed. What happened?” He said, “Noo I haven’t changed. I’ve been busier these days.” One day I decided not to call him and see how long it will take him to call me. We went for four days without talking. I got it. His interest was gone. I stopped watering dead flowers. I moved on.
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I’ve had other encounters with men who think I’m too known. Who think I’m too up there for them to climb. Who think I’m too hard. Who think my independence is scary. Who think my standard is too high. My parents are inclusive. When you get to that junction of life, you begin to doubt your principles. You begin to doubt your choices and later tell yourself, “Maybe what everyone is saying is true. I’m wrong and they are right. I have to lower my standard.”
Anytime I get to that junction, I remember what my lecturer once told me. She said, “You can lower your standard until it falls on the ground yet the wrong ones will still come with a shovel, dig and tell you that your standard is too high.”
Is it wrong to have standards as a woman? Being a woman means you should settle for anyone who comes your way? A woman can’t look for help in a man? I want to open a conversation on this and hear what other people think. I should listen to what my parents are saying and go in for whoever comes my way? And to the men, what is wrong with a woman like me?
—Sylvia
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Maintain ur standard, keep praying and don’t give up. The right man that will love u for what and who u are will surely come.
Honestly and frankly speaking, if you want a man to call a husband then you’ve got to do away with that embellishment you have attached to the kind of man you want, look for what you need in a man. I’m the kind of guy who do things in the house with the wife, I will wake up at night and check on our baby, give him milk and put him to sleep whiles my wife is asleep but that doesn’t mean is my responsibility or something. But if my wife had told me that I must be doing this and that after marriage, I wouldn’t have married her. I don’t do things without discussing with my wife but sometimes I just do certain things without telling her and is alright with her. If you see yourself as a woman with balls as a man has, then I’m sorry marriage is far from reach in your range. Look for somebody you can help him build with you and not the other way. We mostly say the Western is like that but Is never true, I’ve lived my life in Europe and I know what I’m talking about. A German or Italian or a Swiss man wouldn’t allow his woman to dictate or Lord herself over him. That’s why most of them don’t get married but just stay as boyfriend and girlfriend. I used those countries because that’s where I have lived most. I like women with status in life like you but it doesn’t make you a man, but I have an elder brother who isn’t married though ???.
Hmmmm. My sister just be yourself and maintain your standard. The right person will definitely come at the right time. Not marrying at 30 is not a big deal. Marriage is a life time journey. When you get it wrong you will find yourself going to first board of choice again. We guys are always scared of successfully women but most of them are very cool and soft. Just be yourself and pray often for the Holy Spirit to lead you. You are a strong woman. I am product of strong woman, had it not being her stregth and independent, hmmmmm. My sister just be yourself, rib from which you came from is out there looking for you, he will definitely find you. That I can asure you but if you rush me may miss you.
One thing I’ll say is, do not lower your standard to accommodate anybody’s mediocrity. Don’t rush and go into anything that won’t make you happy. Remember marriage is a lifetime journey, so choose the one you’ll feel happy sharing the rest of your life with. Not someone that will see the marriage as he doing you a favour.
Dear, this has nothing to do with standard…its pure case of bad communication..Note that no educated guy wana marry a lazy lady, unresourceful lady or a lady who isnt educated. The pride of a husband lies in his kids and who trains the kids at home, the woman. You lack some communication skills; firstly when you meet a guy and he ask you what you wish for in your dream man, he just want to know your temperament. To give him a list means you will be a rules and regulation kinda person. Men naturally disobeys rules and marriage isnt a 1day affair. For a man to see himself obeying a rules and regulation listed to him in courtship his entire life is a head to him and he will quit. Instead of giving a list just say i need a handworking God fearing and humble man. These three words sums all your listing. No guy will walk out on this..Also never poke your academic credentials to a man..let him find it himself. You are dating a man and you say i have two masters, i can smell a sense of demand for authority there. You have 2 masters and so what. You are 2month in a relationship what has 2months got to do with me getting to know you. A man will only ask you that when u start acting bossu and you tryna dominate over him. If a guy asks you your level of education keep it at universit level. When he gets to kno you have masters he wil respect u later. Wish i could talk more but for space.
To add on to how to grad at age 30.
Keep a good smile always. Saturdays are not meant for washing. Get out of your room. Visit friends. Take a walk in the neighbourhood, in town at the beach. Life is not all about 8-5.
Make use of outdoor places like malls, cinema, music festivals.
Make use of your camera and social media pages.Post your adventures to sites beaches and serene places you like. People will comment like and dm.
Make your brackets open to all both young and old. If you dont like young hold on your birthday will come he will post you and your will be hooked
And as said earlier, know how to talk
Are you looking for a job or a life partner? Just let a prospective suitor know that, your plans are not definite, but they will depend on what your future husband also desires. Simple!
What do you need standards for? Your only standards, should be the pursuit of happiness. Simple! If a taxi driver will give you the happiness that you want, you should count yourself lucky that you met such a person.
And finally, Jesus Christ was born in a manger for a reason. Humility! Don’t show off your intelligence.
I am a good person so I want to marry a woman who love me