Joseph called me when he was in the midst of his friends. He asked for my number while his numerous friends stood behind him observing us. I didn’t want to give him my number but I felt he would be embarrassed or his friends would tease him so I gave out my number to him. One of his friends shouted from behind, “Aunt, thank you very much. We’ll call you very soon.” He called me aunt. That got on my nerves. “Do I look that old to be called aunt?” They looked drunk and were having the time of their lives so I moved on thinking he might not even call me.

But he called me early Sunday morning and said, “I’m going to church. When I come back, I will call you so we talk. Do you have any prayer requests?” I answered, “I’m going to church too. I will pray my prayer when I get there.” He said, “Then let’s meet after church.” After all the chilling on Saturday night, he made time to go to church. Thinking of that made me see him in a new way. After church, he called. He was on his way going home but I was already home. We talked until he got home. “Can we meet later in the day?” I answered, “I’ll be preparing for work so it will be difficult. If you don’t mind, we can meet after work tomorrow.”

We met after work on Monday and it became a routine. Every day after work, we will meet. From my house to his house wasn’t that far when you pick a car so we’ll meet, talk and later disperse. One thing I noticed about him each time we talked was the influence of his friends on him. He never made a complete sentence without mentioning a friend’s name. He said they were young when they became friends so it was more than friendship. “It’s brotherhood. The six of us. Many have joined the group and left but the six of us are always together.”

I met his friends often. I liked Joshua. He was the only one among his friends who had a girlfriend at that time. He was down to earth and respected his girlfriend a lot. They called him names but he didn’t care. They would be sitting there and his girlfriend would call him to get back home and he’ll leave. They had dated for three years so that chemistry was there. Joseph wasn’t like that. It was always about his friends before anything else. When he proposed to me, I told him, “Your friends. They are always around you and I’m scared they would come between us.” He answered, “If that’s your fear, then you have nothing to worry about. You’ll be the centre around which everything revolves.”

I accepted his proposal and things changed a little. His friends dictated the pace of his life but he listened to me. I also made compromises. Sometimes I would go out with the group and spend the night together. That way, they will see me as part of the pack and be lenient whenever I had to take Joseph away from them. We were two years together when Joshua got married to his long-time girlfriend. Right after the marriage, he got missing from the group. He wouldn’t attend their meetings and wouldn’t join their boozing spree. His wife was already pregnant before they got married so he used fatherhood to escape the activities of the pack.

I told Joseph, “Watch and learn from Joshua. I love your friends but when we get to the point where we ought to marry, you’ll have to find a way to deal with them differently. I’m not saying do away with them completely. I’m asking you to learn to manage them.” He was positive. He listened to me often so I felt safe. We dated for four years before we got married. By that time some of the old friends had left the scene for new ones to join. Joshua was complexly gone but because he was my favourite, I talked to him a lot.

I believed my husband was going to be like Joshua and move away from the pack but that wasn’t the case. He would invite these yahoos home, buy a cat, kill it and prepare pepper soup and eat it with eba and a lot of booze. Not once in a while. Every Sunday, they will do it. They move from house to house. When they are not in our house, they’ll move to another. These men don’t have a stopping gear. They are always moving from place to place just to have fun. It got to a point I had to complain. It was difficult for me to have my husband to myself on weekends. In the morning, they’ll go and do cooking together. He would come home at 5 pm. By 8 pm, he’ll be going out again.

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“Joseph, we are married now. I should be your friend and everything. This was said during counselling, have you forgotten?” His answer was, “These are childhood friends. We are not doing anything bad. We are not chasing women or doing drugs. It’s loneliness and lack of belonging that push a married man to another woman. These guys keep me busy so I don’t even think about anything else. Just relax, we are fine.”

I thought things would be alright when a baby comes so I stopped bothering him. As I’m writing this, I’m heavily pregnant with twins but I hardly see my husband in the house. I’ve always used the pregnancy to trap him. Whenever he tried to leave the house, I complained of pains, “My ribs are hurting, there’s this sharp pain in my abdomen.” Sometimes I have to fake severe pains and scream before he stays in the house with me. Slowly, he had seen through the veil so the cry and complaints no longer works. He will go anyway no matter what I do or say.

Now I’m getting scared. Twins are on the way coming but the father isn’t going to be around to help out. I complained to his parents and they spoke to him. Nothing has changed. His Father tells me to be patient, “When the twins arrive, he’ll change. Some people are like that, they want to see something to move them to change.” I believed him at first but looking at how things are going, I don’t think the kids will change him in any way. He’ll choose cat pepper soup with friends over us. He’s into the friendship so much that nothing can make him turn away. All the original guys I met him with had left the flock but he still stays with the new ones that come along. He’s now like a godfather to the group and calls the shot.

My question now is, what can I do to get the attention of my husband? We are living alone and I would need all the help I can get when the twins arrive. I want to see a change in him before I put to bed. Kindly help me with suggestions.  

—Connie

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