When he told me to buy a university form I thought he was joking. I told him I couldn’t afford a university education and my parents also couldn’t help because they are both retired. He told me it didn’t matter and that I should buy the forms. He gave me money to buy and helped me fill out the forms. I was given an admission a few months later. When I told him he was happy for me but I couldn’t be happy for myself because I knew I couldn’t afford a university education. He asked why I wasn’t happy and I told him, “I told you I can’t afford it. Now what do I do?”
He assured me,” I knew what I was doing when I asked you to buy the forms. It will be tough for both of us but if you sacrifice the frills, I can push you through school. I mean it.”
He was thirty-four. I was only twenty-one years old. Something had to give and I was old enough to know men don’t give free lunch. I asked why he was doing that and he told me, “I’ve always been the only child of my parents. I yearned for a sister I never had. If I had a sister, I would have done the same for her without a blink. Let’s just say you’re the sister I never had.”
All of a sudden, happiness took over me like a pregnant woman in labor but I hushed it. All I said was “Thank you for doing this. I will one day repay your kindness.”
When I told my father about it he laughed at me. “He told you he’s just helping you and you believed him? Efua, if you think he’s not a man you can marry, please don’t accept his offer. I’ve seen it before.”
My mom was like, “Listen to your father. Men always want something for something. It’s OK for him to help you but put it in your mind that in future he might want to marry you. Nobody rares a goat and later eats worms.”
I went back to Jeff. I told him what my fears were. I told him my parents also have the same kind of fear. He said, “They’ve heard such stories before doesn’t mean ours is going to be the same. I have a girlfriend. I’ll soon introduce you to her. She also knows about you and the kind of help I’m giving you. No need to be scared.”
I took the offer and started schooling. He paid my fees while my parents hustled to give me pocket money. There was one uncle who tried to pay hostel fees but stopped along the way. Jeff took over. When all hope was gone and I was dried up, it was Jeff who came to fill me up. He never missed my call and I never missed his. When he came to visit I introduced him to my friends as a brother. Some even wanted to date him but I made them know that he was in a serious relationship.
During vacation, I would go to his place and help him with his chores. His girlfriend was living in another city so I cooked for him, cleaned his place, and even washed for him. During those periods, I tried tempting him to see if he would make an attempt on me but he never did. I felt safe. I grew brotherly love towards him and the times he met my parents, they referred to him as a son.
I was in my third year when he started retreating from me. I called him for a week and Jeff didn’t answer. I sent him texts. I apologized for sins I haven’t committed yet but he didn’t respond to any of them. I went to his house and saw him sleeping. Everything wasn’t well. He smelled of alcohol. He looked knackered. His girlfriend had left him. I spent three days with him because I was scared of what might happen to him if I left. On the third day when I was leaving, I called his cousin and told him everything. Jeff was angry that I told his cousin that he was brokenhearted but his cousin really helped.
Everything went back to normal again. He was calling, he was visiting me and most importantly sending me money whenever I needed help. On my graduation day, he proposed.
“You’re a mature woman now and I believe you know me better than any woman in this world does. Be my girlfriend. Let’s get married. We will be happy.”
My answer was no.
I saw him as a brother and nothing could make me unsee what I’d seen in him. He begged me to say yes. I begged him not to push me to do what would not benefit any of us. He brought his cousin into the issue. He called me night and day, trying to make me say yes. I asked him, “I have a boyfriend. We’ve dated for three years. What do I tell him? Your brother is a brother to me and he knows. How do I recalibrate my feelings to a point where I could see him as a boyfriend? I can’t do that.”
One day he would leave me alone and the next day he would be on my neck to take him as my boyfriend. I completed service but he was still chasing me. One day he came to meet my boyfriend in the house. He was all over me trying to prove a point to my boyfriend. My boyfriend already knew the story so he wasn’t worried. He asked for permission and left. Jeff burst out, “Where was he when we were looking for helpers to help with your education? Now you’re a graduate so he thinks he can have you? Have you forgotten so soon?”
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Jeff pursued me until I finally begged him to give me some time to find a reason to leave my boyfriend for him. Currently, he comes to my place and asks me to kiss him. If I don’t he takes it by force. He tries to force me to have sex with him. I always prevail but the way things are going, I don’t know how long I’m going to prevail over him. He knows I don’t love him but he believes love grows over time. I’m unable to discuss it with my parents because I already know their stand. They warned me and I didn’t listen.
Jeff, my helper has now become everything that’s breaking me down. I don’t know what to do or what to say to push him away. He has done a lot for me. He’s the reason I’m here today reaching out to my goals. I don’t want to be ungrateful. I don’t want to hurt him too. I don’t want to cut him off as if he doesn’t matter. I want him around but not in the way he currently is. I need advice. What should I do?
— Efua
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Be firm and ward him off. Warn him that if he continues with the sexual harassment you will be compelled to go to the police. I appreciate his assistance but then he himself assured you there was no secret motive.
Please don’t entertain him in any way. Marriage with him may be unhealthy in the future so avoid the relationship with all your might. He has already started to remind you of the help he gave you. If at any time you feel threatened by his actions please get some elders involved my sister. You were always going to end up in this situation and your parents even warned you. I think you should have taken your father’s advice. He told you that if he is not someone you can marry don’t accept his help and you went ahead and forgot about his words. It’s the best advice I have ever heard about relationship.
Tell him that now that you’re working, you’ll start paying off some of the money he spent on you. That will rattle him. And start making arrangements with him to do just that. Fact is he doesn’t own you. He can’t go back on his word. Bringing the Police in? No no. He is not violent, is he?
Wow, I suggest you don’t give in to him because you don’t love him. He wants to be with you because of the help he gave you if not he wouldn’t have been forcing to have his way with you. I don’t think he loves you. You’re doing the right thing please don’t feel guilty.