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It was love at first sight kind of thing. I was entering an office when I met her at the entrance. I recognized how beautiful she was. I was in the office but thinking of how to approach her. I looked around and saw her seated on a bench in front of another shop where they sell tiles. After my transaction, I went to her. She looked at me and she had the most beautiful eyes I’ve seen in a woman. I asked, “What is your name? She said, “I’m Felicia.” I asked, “You’re the one selling the tiles?” She said, “Yes, do you want something?” I said, “I want to know the various tiles you have here.”

She walked with me through the shop, telling me about all the tiles they had and the best place in the house you could use those tiles. I said, “You really know these things.” She responded, “It’s what I do every day.” I said, “I’m not ready at the moment but I’m happy with the way you’ve explained things to me. I would like to buy from you when I’m ready so kindly give me your number.”

She did.

A few days later, I watched her Whatsapp status. It was a photo of her at the shop. I said, “Tiles madam.” She sent a smiling emoji. I said, “The most beautiful tiler I’ve seen.” She said, “I sell tiles. I’m not a tiler.” Conversation ensued. She later asked me, “How far with your project? Are you coming to buy the tiles anytime soon?” “Yeah very soon you’ll hear from me,” I said

Another day we talked. Another time, I passed by her shop and said hello. One day we talked for about thirty minutes without discussing tiles. Slowly we were moving away from the subject that brought us together to territories that allowed us to talk about personal things. One day she said, “You didn’t come because of tiles, say the truth.” I said, “Why did you take so long to figure that out? I came there because of you and I’m glad you gave me the chance to know you.” She laughed and said, “I knew it but I didn’t want to say anything. A lot of guys come around and do this all the time. Mostly I don’t give them my personal number. I don’t know why I gave it to you that day.”

“You gave it to me because you like me.”

“No, I didn’t. Maybe it’s because of how I took my time with you that day.”

I proposed to her. I think two days later. I’m not sure but it wasn’t too long afterward. The iron was already hot so I decided to strike. She said, “I don’t know you that much and you don’t know me that much as well so how can you be so sure?” I said, “It takes a lifetime to know someone truly and you can only know them when you’re closer to them. We can’t know each other that well when we are living apart. It’s only when we are closer that we’ll know.” She said, “It makes sense but let’s take our time.”

She came home to visit one day and she slept over. We agreed to take things slowly but that night we got carried away and did things people like us shouldn’t do—people who are taking things slowly. From then on, we accepted our fate. We were lovers than people who have committed to knowing each other first.

A few weeks later, I started noticing what I didn’t like about her. I said in my mind, “Just concentrate on what you like about her because people come with negatives—everyone has negatives.” But it didn’t stop coming. The negatives were too glaring each day that we met.

She talks about the store and tiles each time we meet. It’s as if her world revolves around tiles and when it’s taken away, she has nothing to talk about. We could be talking about the food we ate during the day and by the time I realize, she would be talking about tiles; “As I was eating this morning, a guy walked in asking about tiles. You know they brought new ones the other day. Those ones are not as beautiful as the ones we use to have, especially the Italian ones…” It’s like I’ve been invited to a TED Talk on tiles.

And when she goes off tangent like that, it’s difficult to bring her back to the subject on the table. I brought her mind to it. I said, “Can we not talk about tiles for once. I mean look at us, we have plenty of things we can talk about.” She said, “What’s wrong if I talk about what I do? Or you’re shy that your girlfriend sells tiles?”

An argument will ensue. One of us will get bitter. We’ll go to sleep with a bitter heart, wake up, and wouldn’t know who to call first.

But It’s not altogether her fault. The two of us don’t share a common interest in anything. She likes Korean series. She can watch from morning till dawn. I hate the Korean series. The language gets on my nerves but this girl can watch Korean series without subtitles and still get to understand what they are saying.

She’s very raw. Sometimes I wish she could filter the kind of things she says to me but no. She could call in the morning to discuss the color of her poop and how she’s so constipated and can’t even fart. There’s a way to go around such topics. This girl doesn’t like it that way. She just wants to say it the way they are and it makes me cringe and reduces the level of lust I have for her. I see her and nothing moves me to touch or kiss or hug her the way lovers do.

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Somehow, she has realized the fire in our relationship is dying so a few weeks ago she said, “You hardly kiss me these days and when you do there’s no passion behind it. The spark is gone. I will lie next to you all night but you won’t even put a leg on me. You don’t love me anymore?” That day I wanted to tell her the truth. I wanted to tell her, “All these things are happening because I’m out of love with you.” But I looked at her pretty innocent face and couldn’t have the courage to say it.

Technically she hasn’t done anything wrong. She’s only being herself. The problem is me. It’s me who doesn’t like the kind of self she’s bringing to the table. She wears her wigs, stands in the mirror, and admires herself but in my mind, she’s better off without a wig. All her wigs take a bite off her looks but when I say it she tells me I don’t know what is beautiful. So, the problem is me. I’m the one who doesn’t understand the kind of language wigs speak.

I want a breakup—the kind of breakup that wouldn’t hurt her. I’ve given her a lot of clues. I’ve tried to make it obvious that I’m out of love. I’ve acted it out often times but she doesn’t seem to get it. Maybe, I’m bad at acting out my feelings so I want to say it this time. But how do I tell her? We’ve dated for ten months going on eleven. I don’t want a year with her but I don’t want to hurt her feelings too.

How do I give her the nicest breakup ever so we both go our separate ways knowing we gave out our best but the center just couldn’t hold?

How?

–T. Alex

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