When he proposed to me, he didn’t just say, “I love you,” and just assumed we were a couple. I know the scenario is crazy but I have met men who have done that. Their idea of a proposal is a confession of feelings. Of course, there are others who would tell you, “I want you to be my girlfriend.” They don’t talk about love or feelings. Kwaku’s proposal was direct. “I am in love with you,” he said, “I want to marry you.” At first, I thought it was one of those things a man says to get into a woman’s pants. However, everything he did proved that he was serious.

When I accepted his proposal, he asked me, “When do you want to get married?” I told him, “I don’t know exactly when. However, I want to finish having kids by the time I am thirty.” He then asked me to introduce him to my family. I did that. I met his family too. He took the marriage list from my people and started buying the items.

Although I wanted marriage, everything was moving too fast. I wasn’t even sure Kwaku was the man I wanted to marry. Besides, I didn’t feel ready to take that big jump just yet. I didn’t also like the items he was buying. So I told him to take his time. I just wanted the opportunity to get to know him better. I also wanted to be sure that marriage was what I wanted at that time. To be fair, I was barely twenty-four. I felt I was too young to make such a serious commitment just because he was offering it.

Our relationship began in 2020, and somewhere in 2021, he started having financial problems. I had just finished an internship and was looking for a job. We were all frustrated but his superseded mine. While I was looking for money to take care of my needs, my boyfriend was looking for money to marry me. I should clarify that I never asked him to hurry up with the marriage plans. I was perfectly content to take things slowly.

One day we were having an argument. We had a lot of those because of his constant mood swings. This guy told me, “You want to get married but you don’t know how to be a wife.” His words were laced with disdain. I remember telling him, “Nobody knows how to be a wife until they find themselves in that position so when it gets there I will know what to do.” He shook his head as if a seizure had descended on him and said, “No. You must learn how to be a wife before I marry you.” It wasn’t what he said that surprised me, It was the seriousness with which he said it.

Another time we were having a conversation when he told me, “I know you want to get married. However, I cannot afford to marry you right now so I suggest you move on. Find a man who will give you what you are looking for.” I didn’t accept the breakup. I let him understand that I loved him. “Just because I desire marriage doesn’t mean it must happen for me tomorrow. Take your time and let’s resolve our financial challenges before we overwhelm ourselves with the future.” He seemed to agree with me.

In a few weeks time, my man was back to default settings. He was asking for another breakup because he didn’t have money to marry me. By then I had gotten a job and was supporting him. This time around too, I didn’t accept the breakup. As always, I told him in to take his time and that I was in no rush. He let it go, only to bring the subject up in a couple of months. This continued until it happened four times. All the the while he was telling me I was not a wife material.

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One moment he would tell me, “You act like a girl. Why should I marry you?” In the next moment, he would tell me, “I am hustling so I would make money to marry you. All this is your fault. If you had allowed things to flow naturally when I started making plans to marry you, we would have been married by now.” I loved him so I accommodated his unkind words.

Somewhere in 2023, he was still going on and on about how I am not a marriage material. He said I didn’t know what I wanted. “When I was buying the items you kept saying, I don’t like this and I don’t like that. You are not ready for this.” At that point, I couldn’t take it anymore. “Life is not all about marriage, you know. You keep telling me I am not ready. I hear you now. Go and be with someone who is ready.” At that moment, all the things he had said over the years started to settle in my soul.

He accused me of leaving him for another man. “I have been saying you are not ready since we started dating and you’ve never complained, but now that you’ve met someone else, you are telling me you have a problem with it.” I explained to him that other men had always been in the picture. I just ignored them because of the love I had for him. However, he made me feel he was doing me a favour by wanting to marry me. And I didn’t want that kind of relationship anymore. The breakup wasn’t easy but I did my best to move past it.

Last night I was going about my business when he texted me. He asked what my plans were and I said I had none. The next thing he said was, “So you are just there waiting to be married?” I said I wasn’t but he didn’t believe me. He asked me to prove to him that marriage is not what I want. I am confused. This is someone I broke up with last year, why do I need to prove to him that I am not all about marriage? He claims he is hustling to come and marry me even after I told him I didn’t want to get married to him anymore.

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My question is, even if it is marriage I want, is it a bad thing? He always made it sound like it was an obligation he had to fulfill. As if he was doing it for my sake and not because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Last night I asked him why he is still hellbent on marrying me and he answered, “Because I am growing old and I want to settle down.” Is this normal? Should one force themselves to get married just because they are growing old? Shouldn’t marriage be about love and companionship? Or I am just delusional?

—Connie

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