For the first time in my life, I have done something I swore I would never do. This is something that goes against my personal values and my Christian faith. I know what I am doing is wrong. And my conscience is dealing with me. My heart torments me every night I close my eyes to sleep. I can’t even pray properly without feeling the weight of guilt heavy on my tongue. The most annoying thing is that I am not even doing it out of love. No, it was just one error in judgment that has evolved into an entangled mess.

This whole thing began when I got a job I had fervently prayed for. I am a devout Christian, or at least, I used to be. So when I started the work, I easily bonded with Jude. He is also a very serious Christian like me. We would discuss our church activities and the word of God whenever we got the opportunity to talk.

Jude is married so I never saw him as anything more than a work colleague who was slowly becoming a friend. Our job involved a lot of travelling so we often went on these trips together. This enabled us to spend more time together. He was an amazing friend and I found his company interesting. I felt so comfortable. That’s how innocent our friendship was.

He is a few years older than me so I often looked up to him for counsel. If I was confused about something, I would discuss it with him and seek his thoughts on it. Sometimes we talked about his family. He has a beautiful family. One that I admire very much.

The turn in our relationship happened one day when we traveled for another one of our work trips. We booked different rooms in the same hotel but his room was fancier than mine from the way he described it to me. Out of curiosity, I went over to his room to look at it. We got talking and when it got to time for me to return to my room he said, “Don’t leave, please. I don’t want to be alone tonight.” I asked confusedly, “You mean I should spend the night?” He nodded and said yes.

I told him it wasn’t right. “You are a married man. We shouldn’t do that.” He smiled and said, “What’s wrong with two friends just sharing a room? We will just sleep. I won’t touch you, I promise.” It seemed like a harmless request so I agreed.

Whatever happened next, I didn’t see it coming. All I can say is that by the next morning, we had sex. I was not happy about it. I was so sure that it would not happen again. I confessed my sins and asked God to forgive me and give me the strength not to repeat my mistake.

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Something that happened unexpectedly and was not supposed to happen again ended up happening again. It was wrong. I knew this but I kept doing it. I wanted to stop but it was as if an invisible string was always pulling me to him. Every time we did it, I felt bad. My conscience would haunt me and I would feel too heavy in spirit to pray. I would tell him, “This is the last time we are doing this.” And he would nod and say okay, knowing very well that I wouldn’t be able to turn him away if he came back.

Our colleagues at work don’t know what is going on so they continue to send us on work trips. These trips serve as breeding grounds for our desires. The moment we are left alone, we are consumed with mouthfuls of each other.

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So now what we have is a situationship. I don’t like that things have gotten this far. I want it to stop. I have been betrayed before by a man in my past relationship so I hate that the tables have turned and I am now the woman this man is using to betray his wife. “We need to break up,” I told him, “I don’t want to be known as a home wrecker.” He told me we weren’t hurting his wife as long as she didn’t know so we needn’t stop.

Before God and man, I’m ready to cut off this entanglement, repent to God, and position myself to find my own man. However, I’m facing so much opposition from the married man. The more I try to let go, the more he pulls me back in. I don’t want to have to lose my job in an attempt to avoid him. This is my dream job. I also don’t want to involve his wife, she doesn’t deserve to be hurt just because I can’t shake her husband off on my own.  Any suggestions on how to let him go completely? Please help a sister out of this entanglement. This is not who I ever imagined I would become.

—Margot

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