I was very green when I met Eric. I didn’t know how to kiss or do anything relating to romance. He asked me, “Am I your first boyfriend? I said. “No, you’re not. There was Fiifi before James. You came right after James.”

I didn’t allow James to kiss me. He wanted to but I didn’t allow him. The farthest I went with him was a hug. I wouldn’t allow him to do anything that I thought was inappropriate. When he tried, I turned him away. When he pushed for it, it turned into a fight. When a fight happened between us, it took us many days to resolve our difference.  It got to a time where we were fighting virtually every day because he wanted things I couldn’t give him. He left me. I loved him so much that I went to his house to beg him to come back to me. He gave me one condition on which he’ll return. He said, “If you want me to come back then promise me that you’ll allow shuperu to happen.” I told him, “Then forget it.”

He indeed forgot about me and moved on with his life. Before him was Fiifi. The farthest I went with Fiifi was holding hands together. When he asked for a hug, I shrunk. I thought the hug would lead to something else so I always ran away from his open arms. I thought, “What if I go in and I get locked in there? He’s stronger than I am. He could do anything to have his way. I won’t hug him.” I would go to his house and stand outside and knock. When he comes out and asks us to go in, I will tell him, “I need fresh air. Let’s stand outside here.” He screamed at me, “If you’ll come here and stay outside then what’s the use? Stay in your house and don’t come back here again.”  I asked him, “Fiifi, are you angry?” He said, “Yes I’m angry. How can you be my girlfriend and still not want to come into my room? I have every right to be angry.”

I turned and started walking away. He asked me, “Where are you going?” I responded, “You’re angry so I’m leaving.” I thought he would follow me and try to stop me. By the time I turned my back, he wasn’t standing there. He had gone back into his room. That was the end of our relationship. I was around seventeen years. I was listening to my mother’s advice so I don’t get into trouble with men and who will get a woman pregnant and disappear.

Eric came at the right time. I had completed the university and was very mature. I had had a lot of disappointments with men to the extent that I didn’t trust any of them. But Eric was different, physically an….d physically. He had a head that looks like watermelon—big and heavy. He had these tiny eyes that didn’t look like they could see clearly. He was tall and broad and yet had a voice that could equally match the voice of a ten-year-old boy. I asked him, “I learned boys break their voice when they reach puberty. Are you sure you broke yours? Or you still haven’t reached puberty?” He’ll find something about me and insult me with it but that was about it. We never fought or disagreed on anything.

He was very slow to act and I loved that about him. He didn’t push for things I couldn’t give. Things like what James and Fiifi pushed for. Right from the onset, I told him my weaknesses, my expectations, and the things I was willing to learn as we move along. He understood me and was ready to be with me and help me overcome certain fears that I had. I learned to hold hands with him and didn’t get scared. I learned to fall into his embrace without the fear of getting locked. I learned to enter his room and lie on his bed without the fear of being pushed into doing things I wasn’t ready for. Like shuperu.

One day he leaned in to kiss me and I was very ready to kiss back. When he got closer with his lips, his head became larger than it used to be. He said, “Close your eyes.” I asked, “So I don’t see the real size of your head?” He said, “Learn to shut up too as you close your eyes.” I closed my eyes, we kissed and it was awesome. We did it often and I liked it.

I had graduated from holding hands into something bigger. I could embrace and not feel scared. I could close my eyes and kiss and not see his big head. What else did I need to conquer? Great. But I wasn’t ready to do that until marriage. He understood that one too and took it slowly with me. So much love for men who are very slow to act. Like Eric.

We had been together for over three years. Being boyfriend-girlfriend for that long gets boring at some point so we decided to do something more daring than just being boyfriend-girlfriend. He asked me, “Marriage?” I said, “Yeah, marriage. That’s the only thing left to do. Why not?” One day he came home with his family and we performed the knocking rite. One afternoon, I saw him covered in a beautiful Kente cloth. It was our traditional wedding. A few months later, he wore a navy-blue suit over a white shirt and stood before the altar with me. When we left the altar that day, we became husband and wife.

Throughout the changing phases of our love lives, one thing remained the same. No, two things remained the same; his love for me and the size of his. Those two things never changed. The rock of ages of our lives.

We moved in together as a husband and wife. Learning to hold hands was easy. Learning to fall into his embrace was a breeze. Learning to close my eyes and kiss him was so easy and enjoyable. How about learning to have sex the first time? I don’t want to talk about it but the most important thing was we conquered. Were we not created to be conquerors? It took some days and effort but I learned to pass the shuperu test too. With time, I learned to do it without the initial difficulty that came with it.

We’ve been married for two years now and I can swear on my life that the best romance for me is the one that eventually ends in shuperu. I love it. I don’t mind having it every day but he told me one day, “A man can’t do it every day. This stage of our lives where we call ourselves a married couple comes with a lot of responsibilities that require energy. Work requires energy. Paying bills requires energy. Paying rent requires special energy. We can’t invest all our energy in shuperu. A woman can do it every day but a man can’t.”

I learned to accept whichever number of times he was ready to give. We could go for days and weeks without doing it. I want it but he doesn’t want it. I don’t know how to push him to want it. First, I’m shy. Second, I don’t even know where to start from. Do I jump on him and start doing it myself? Do I ask permission first? Do I just look into his eyes and ask him to jump on me? Somedays I plan what to tell him and how to say it to get him to do it. I will rehearse my lines all day but when it gets to the time and he turns his back on me, I’m not able to say anything.

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We haven’t done it for one month. I don’t think it’s normal. Yes, we both get tired. He works in the construction sector but he’s not the one who carries the concrete so I don’t think he gets so tired that he can’t do his nightly duties. How could he go to work and climb long scaffolds and come back home and pretend he can’t climb on top of his wife? This is the question I’ve been battling with for some time now.

I want to know. What are the ways and strategies I can use to push him to scratch my itch for me? I must admit, I’ve never been the one to initiate. I’ve been shy to do it. I’ve always been the one who waits until he’s ready. Now, I want to take the fight to him. I don’t want to do it and be rejected. That will also hurt my confidence. So, I want to learn the subtle ways I can use to entice him to act.

Ladies, please tell me how you get your partner to do it even when he’s not in the mood.

Men, please tell me what makes your women irresistible to you. As in, you could be dead but there’s one thing your woman will do that will instantly resurrect you from your tomb.

Tonight, I want to be Jesus. I want to command Lazarus to come out from his tomb. But I need your help to be able to do that.

–Brenna

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