I am a man in my early thirties. I have never been married and I don’t have a child. There was a time last year when I was going through a serious heartbreak. I didn’t want any relationship. Not even as a rebound. All I wanted to do was focus on healing. Every time I saw a woman I admired, I closed my mind to the possibility of starting something with her. The reason I always gave myself was, “I am not ready. Let me heal first.” It was what kept me single for as long as I needed to be.

Along the line, I met a lady at my workplace. I didn’t have any intention of dating her. She was the one who told her friends that she liked me. They came to me on her behalf with a proposal. Apart from the fact that I found it strange that a lady would propose to me through her friends, I still wasn’t ready for a relationship.

I didn’t want to accept her proposal because of all this. However, I changed my mind after I got to know her. I liked her. I saw certain things that made me realize that I could have a future with her. So I gave her a chance and we became love birds.

A few days into the relationship, I found out she had two children with her ex who lives abroad. This is information I didn’t know beforehand. When I asked her what happened with her ex she said, “We were planning our future together until he traveled. That was it. He left me when he got there.” She assured me their relationship was over and I believe her.

So far she has been good to me. If it was just the two of us, everything would have been fine. My problem now is her children. I’m not sure how I am going to live with another man’s children. I was raised in a way that makes me uncomfortable whenever I have to discipline the kids.

My folks believed in raising kids according to scripture, “Spare the rod and spoil the child.” These were the values that were instilled in us. It is the same way I intend to raise my children. However, I understand that not everyone believes in that kind of discipline. So whenever I am with her and the kids are not behaving properly, I am not able to do anything about it.

My internal struggle with discipline aside, I worry that she might leave me if her man decides to return. She has assured me that she won’t but they have two children together. That’s a bond I don’t have with her.

I expressed my concerns to a friend recently, and they connected me to another lady. I have been talking to her. So far she is good to me. I have seen that she will be a good partner.

The two women are interested in marriage now but I don’t know which one to choose. Marriage is a long-term commitment. That’s why I don’t want to make a mistake. A part of me wants to choose the one with kids because she is a nurturer. I trust in her ability to take care of me and the children we may have together. Another part of me also wants to avoid the baby daddy drama and the role of being a stepdad. What do I do? Please help a brother.

— Manny

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