In December 2023, my father locked my mother out of the house. Her offence? She went home around seven in the evening from her work as a hairdresser’s apprentice. It was my father’s idea for her to upgrade herself but he withdrew his support as soon as she started. Knowing the kind of man my father is, his behaviour did not surprise me one bit. Their entire marriage has operated on my mum bending to his whims and capris.
There was a point in their marriage when my dad stopped taking care of his children and wife. He wouldn’t give her pocket money. If she talked, he would either insult her or beat her. Violence is my father’s go-to language. Just around the time she decided she couldn’t take it anymore, my mum’s mother announced that she was starting a chop bar. My mum took advantage of the opportunity and left to help my grandmother.
I didn’t think anything would come out of her leaving until I saw how beautiful she looked. She was glowing. All the lights inside her that were dimmed by my father came alive in his absence. She earned her own money and lived her life on her own terms.
Although she left my siblings with my father, she did not abandon them. She would show up on weekends to do their laundry and cook enough food to last them an entire week. Looking at the way my mum thrived when she left her marriage, everybody agreed that he was bad for her so she shouldn’t go back to him.
I don’t know what happened or how it even happened, but my mom called one morning that she had news. “Your father and I have spoken. And I have given it a lot of thought. I want to leave everything that happened in the past and give him another chance. Maybe he has truly changed.” I didn’t find it odd that she would forgive him considering that they were still married, and had five children between them.
My only problem was, that my dad asked my mum to stop working at the chop bar so she would get more time to look after my siblings and him. I knew my dad would never do anything to empower my mum financially. He would want to keep her dependent on him. He is a narcissist and a control freak like that. I advised my mum against quitting the job but she didn’t listen. Her excuse was, “My siblings are disrespecting me because I work for our mother.” And then she left my grandmother’s side without any proper goodbye.
She had at the time of leaving, saved a little which she intended to add to what he would give her to start a business. He would promise this week. It will arrive within a twinkling of an eye only for him to ask for another week to raise the money. After disappointing her for a while he told her, “I don’t want you to stress yourself with this whole buying and selling business. Why don’t you rather look for a hairdresser and train under her? I will bear the cost.”
It is as if my mother does not know my father at all or it’s just blind faith that for once, he would stick to his word. I remember cautioning her against doing anything based on his promises, but once again she did not listen to me. She found a place, but when it was time to pay for it, my father refused to do it. Rather, he demanded that she close work at 3 in the afternoon. Meanwhile, that’s the time they are busiest. She tried to reason with my dad but he refused to accept anything that was not his way.
At some point, he accused her of stealing his bulb. After declaring her a thief, he locked his room and the kitchen. He started cooking for himself. Even soap for bathing, he would buy it and lock it in his room. My mum was compelled to spend all her savings on her upkeep and that of my siblings. Sometimes when she gets home at a time he does not approve of, he would lock her out and only allow her entry in the morning.
To cut out all the stress, my mum is now living with her grandmother. She was visiting my siblings on weekends until another drama happened. She went there and came back in tears. She said my dad refused her access to the kids, insulted her, beat her, and threatened to do worse to her if she showed up again. I was so enraged and heartbroken at the same time. I sent her some money and asked her to come and spend some time at my place.
It’s been four months since that incident. My mother lives with my grandmother while I send her money for upkeep. I am doing my best but it’s not enough as I am struggling to find my feet. Recently, I opened up to a friend about my father’s behaviour. This friend is in the police service. He believes my dad should be made to pay for abusing my mother. And to get the authorities involved so he bears the responsibility for her upkeep.
He Woke Me Up At 2am And Asked Me To Go To My Mother’s House
I know my friend is right. Left to me alone, the police would have gotten involved by now. However, my mother disagrees. She is scared that she might offend him to the point where he would refuse to take care of my younger siblings. When I told her that the law would make sure it doesn’t happen she said, “I endured your father for many years so that you can get university education. Now it’s your siblings’ turn. Even if your father continues to deny me access to them and the rest of my items, I will endure it for their education’s sake.”
She has been watching and praying that her faith in her God softens her husband’s heart in her favour. I have tried to convince her that while we pray we can still get the police involved. So that my father is forced to face his responsibilities. However, she won’t listen to me. While I am delighted to help her out financially, I am not there yet. I am not at a place where I can do it without breaking apart. How do I convince her to take my advice so that my father would be responsible for her while I get some reprieve? I’m already tired of the pressure.
—Amber
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There is nothing to do about it than to pray. Nature and God will do the rest of the work.
This is just too much, can’t your mother continue what she was doing with your grandmother then that she had to save..? Even it’s your dad’s responsibility to take your of the family, your mother should find a way to support, since she’s out of your father’s grip. You can’t take care of yourself and your mother now since you are trying to have your feet stand.