One of the few things I told him when we started dating was, “I won’t get married until I have a stable income.” I said this because of all the stories I have heard involving women who are trapped in toxic and abusive marriages because they are not financially independent. It doesn’t help matters that some of these women are close to home. I am talking about my aunt and cousins from my mother’s side of the family. Most of them have unhappy marriages. When you pay attention to the patterns, you will notice that the source of their suffering is money, or I should say the lack of it.

It is because of the experience of these women that I have no desire to rush into marriage. The last thing I want is to bring children into this world who won’t have a happy childhood just because I was in a hurry to shack up with a man in the name of matrimony. Andrew said he understood my concerns. He also explained his family situation to me.

He told me, “I am the firstborn of my parents. I have to take care of my younger siblings until they are independent before I can get married. If my calculations are right, it will take me seven years to be ready to settle down. Are you ready to wait that long?” I didn’t have a problem waiting at all. It will only afford me the time to establish myself financially.

Another thing we agreed on was that we would remain celibate until marriage. He was even the one who brought up the subject before I could beat him to it. I remember the day he announced, “I don’t intend to sully myself with sexual impurity before I get married. I have promised God that I will honour him with my body. If this arrangement won’t work for you, then you are free to leave me.” I laughed out of happiness because it was something I wanted too.

I had never been with a man, and I didn’t intend to get intimate with one until we were married. It was a promise I made to myself and God. That’s why I was happy to know that Andrew also shared my values. It made things easier and smoother between us.

One thing that helped was that I live with my parents so he couldn’t visit me at home. He also lives with his mum and siblings. The woman travels for months but when she is back, she shares the same room with Andrew. In her absence, his siblings share the room with him. He is not able to sack them because it is their mother’s room. With all these hindrances, we are hardly alone in a room. Thus, the temptation to break our personal promises rarely reared its head. I was more than happy when I saw how seriously he took his Christian life. A man who fears God is a man to desire. That’s what I was taught.

At the beginning of the relationship, he was in his second year in nursing school. I was also in my first year at the university. We were both in school so I didn’t have any financial expectations of him. We were all doing our best to get by until this guy suggested I start a side business. I let him understand that I am not one of those people who can multitask. “If I am running a business while school is in session, I will lose focus on my studies. I can’t excel at both if I combine them.” For some reason, he didn’t listen to me.

He kept hammering in my ears, “If you start the business you can have your own money.” It was as if he was worried I would start asking him for money if he didn’t force me to make some of my own. Which didn’t make sense to me because I never asked him for anything. He didn’t buy me gifts or even take me out on a single date but I am not one to be bothered about these things especially when I knew he couldn’t afford to. So why was he worried about my financial independence when I was still in school?

What I didn’t tell him was that I do some petty trading when school goes on breaks and vacations. I also apply for some internships and combine it with the trading. It helps me get some money for when school reopens. When his pressure to get me to combine school with a side business became unbearable I snapped and uttered the words, “Stop stressing yourself over my money issues. I already know my way forward.” It made him unhappy but he let the matter rest.

Along the line, he started a small business of his own. I helped him market it by posting the products on my WhatsApp status. Sometimes people would order directly from me, so I would go pick them up at his place and deliver them to the customers. One day I went there for a pick-up and met him alone at home. His mother had traveled, and his siblings were nowhere to be found. I was ready to leave around 4 pm but this guy held my hand and said, “Don’t go, it’s about to rain.” Truly, it started raining heavily just about then. By the time the sky cleared, it was too late for me to go home. I lost my virtue that night.

The next morning, I was filled with regret. I was angry at myself for breaking the promise I made to my own self and God. A year has passed but I still haven’t forgiven myself for allowing such a thing to happen. I told him, “I will not come to your place anymore, lest you lure me into your bed again.” because of this, he says I don’t love him. Love has nothing to do with my resolution. It’s all about holding on to my values.

I suggested we meet in public when we want to see each other but he said those places are too expensive for him to afford. I understand him but I have also refused to compromise and risk repeating that mistake. So now we text, speak on the phone, and make video calls when we want to see each other.

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I have completed the university and currently doing my national service. I have a small business I am doing on the side but he doesn’t know about it. As for him, he is done with his national service. When he received his money, he asked me if he should further his education and get a degree, rent a place of his own, or buy a car to use for business. I advised that he either get a degree or get his own place. This guy said I gave him bad advice. “I don’t even see the impact you are making in my life,” he added.

This same guy is currently pressuring me to marry him. Someone who hasn’t been posted to work after his national service. He still lives in the same room with his mother. All he knows is that I survive solely on my national service allowance. So what kind of marriage are we going to have?

He Got Me Pregnant And Also Got His Ex Pregnant


When I tell him he is not ready for marriage, he doesn’t understand. He tells me, “We’ve been together for three years. How many more years do you want us to date before we marry?” I ask him if he expects me to marry him and live in the same room he shares with his mother. He says I am being difficult. This wasn’t the plan. He was the same person who said seven years so why the sudden rush?”

This whole marriage issue has become a bone of contention in the relationship. He keeps raising the subject and I keep saying no. Then it turns into a fight. He either says I don’t love him or I am being difficult. I know he is a good guy but I am not convinced he is a man I should marry. First, he hasn’t shown any signs that he is a provider. Secondly, he doesn’t have a stable income yet. Let’s not forget the fact that he doesn’t have his own place. Aren’t these enough reasons for a man to slow down when it comes to marriage? Or I am the problem here?

— Akosua

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