I was with Junior for two years and seven months. In all our time together, he was an amazing person in many ways. We started our relationship on a good note. My heart was literally bursting at the seams with happiness. Unfortunately, I made a mistake by staying in contact with my ex-boyfriend.

When Junior found out, I explained that there was nothing going on. “We are just friends,” I assured him. He forgave me but he never fully trusted me again after that. He didn’t say it in those words but occasionally it manifested itself in certain ways.

I tried to allow him to let it go on his own terms. Apart from that, I let him lead the relationship. When he decided not to take me home I didn’t make a fuss about it. His reason was, “My grandmother doesn’t want us to get involved with people from your tribe. So I am afraid she will see you and know I am going against her wishes.” Because of that he was the one who always visited me.

Despite that, I stayed because he kept assuring me she would come around. When I kept asking questions he connected me to his mum who lives abroad. Talking to her gave me some security in the relationship. But I lost contact with her after a month.

All the changes we went through didn’t change the course of our relationship until Junior’s behavior began to change. I don’t know what got into him. He became abusive; emotionally, and mentally. I tried to talk to him but he didn’t change.

It got to a point where I became depressed. Whenever I tried to share my feelings or concerns, he would dismiss them and tell me, “You always have something to complain about.” This meant I was supposed to swallow my feelings and not share them.

Meanwhile, if I did something to offend him, this guy would sit in his feelings for days. I would have apologize many times before he would forgive me.

One day, after another misunderstanding, I reached my breaking point. I was so angry and emotionally drained that I decided to visit a male friend I’d known for years. While I was with him, things got a little heated between us. I didn’t mean to but I ended up sleeping with him.

It is one mistake I deeply regret. I tried to keep it to myself but I couldn’t. The guilt was eating me up. I confessed my sins to Junior hoping he would forgive me. He didn’t.

He was devastated. All he kept saying was, “I can’t continue this relationship anymore. Let’s break up.” Just because I strayed a little doesn’t mean I want to lose him.

I love him deeply, but I was emotionally drained. I needed some space to clear my thoughts. I’d been harboring so much hurt and resentment toward him. It was from all the times I kept begging him for attention.

All I wanted was for him to accept that things were not alright. So that we would work on our issues but he wasn’t willing to listen to me. He brushed my feelings aside as if they didn’t matter. That was what pushed me to the point where I cheated.

Looking at the way things have been between us, I am convinced that even if Junior decides to give us another chance our relationship will never be the same. And honestly, I don’t know if his family will ever accept me.

Although he never took me home I talk to his sisters. They knew about our problems but none of them reached out to me. So I am not sure if they are judging me harshly or not.

Regardless, I still love Junior. And a part of me wishes someone could help me apologize to him in a way that he’d understand how deeply sorry I am.

Sometimes I think he changed toward me because I revealed too much about myself to him. I told him things about my past that I probably shouldn’t have. Like the fact that I grew up without the love of a father and it’s affected the way I relate with men.

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I’ve always looked to the men I date to fill that fatherly void in my life. I seek so much attention from them because I feel incomplete without their approval. My situation is so bad that I can’t seem to live without a man validating my daily actions.

I know I need help. That’s the only way to break this pattern. I’ve cheated in relationships almost every time I’ve had a problem with a partner. It’s not because I am someone who is obsessed with sex, no. I just long for a sense of belonging. To feel wanted and loved. It is in those moments of weakness that I make decisions I regret.

She Came To Do Industrial Attachment

Please don’t be too hard on me. I’m already a mess. All I want is to become a better person. Maybe I need therapy, or maybe I need someone to guide me. I am not even sure how I can be helped.

I am also not certain if Junior will ever take me back. Or if I should want to go back to him. But one thing I do know is that I regret hurting him.

— Kukuaa

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