I have been doing this dance with Thomas for four years and more now. Can you imagine spending four years of your life with someone while feeling like you don’t want to be with them? I know it’s hard to believe but that is how I felt in our relationship. No, it wasn’t always like that from the beginning. I was sure I liked him when he first proposed love to me. Why wouldn’t I? He was as sweet as an angel.

I convinced myself that I had met the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. This guy was always at my beck and call. He did everything possible to make me happy. He had my best interest at heart. At least, that was what I believed. Unless I didn’t cough, he would come running to pat my back and offer me water to wet my parched throat. Such a gentleman he was.

Then I caught him cheating on me. That was when the cracks began to show. Instead of admitting what he did, he spun tales to make it look like it was all in my head. As if what I saw was not real. See, I know what I saw but all of a sudden I started second-guessing myself. “Maybe I jumped to conclusions too soon and overreacted over something that was mere friendship,” I made myself believe.

However, after this incident, things ceased to be the same between us. All the things I was blind to right from the beginning of the relationship became bare before my eyes. I started seeing more signs that he was involved with other women. When I had suspicions and guesses, he flatly denied them and made it look like I was a crazy girlfriend trying to stir up trouble. But when I had irrefutable proof, he wouldn’t even show remorse. He would talk about the fact that he is a man and that these things happen.

I left him at some point, or I should say I tried to. Yet for some reason, I found myself back with him. It was like a pull. I told myself I had to exercise restraint but no amount of pep talk I gave myself worked. I saw all the red flags. I knew I wouldn’t be able to cope with it yet I was too wrapped up in his nonexistent charm to break free.

One of the things that pained me the most was when I got pregnant and he said we couldn’t keep it. He went on and on about how he wasn’t financially ready for a baby. This guy pressured me and verbally abused me until I gave him what he wanted. I got rid of the pregnancy. It was only then did he allow me to have peace.

I swore a thing like that would never happen to me again but unfortunately, it did. The second time too it was the same. He said he didn’t want the baby. We fought about it until I gave in to demands. I found out after these two terminations that Thomas had two children with different women outside our relationship. These children were younger than the relationship so I gathered they must be from the women he was unrepentantly cheating on me with.

The love I had for him had completely diminished at this point. So I walked away again. Just like the first time he told me, “You can’t leave me. You will be back before you know it. What you don’t know is that you are meant for only me.” I didn’t believe him. “He must be saying these things to manipulate me as always,” I said as I dismissed his rants. I was intentional about moving on. I even started looking at other men who showed interest in me. These were good men. They were a breath of fresh air compared to him. I was sure I would at least find someone who would not torture my emotions the way Thomas did.

This was my conviction until I started seeing him in everything. I smelled his cologne in the air I breathed. I heard his voice in the music I listened to. I heard his whispers in the wind that blew around me. His face was everywhere I turned. It didn’t feel like memories or triggers. If I didn’t know better, I would say that he was haunting me.

I thought I was losing my mind until I went to church one day and the priest asked to see me after church. In all the scenarios I imagined, I did not think or worry that it had to do with my love life. Well, that was the reason. According to the man of God, I am under a spell. I didn’t believe him until he mentioned a few things related to our relationship. For instance, the fact that despite how much I don’t want to be with the guy anymore, I tend to go running back to him after I leave him.

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When I asked how this juju could have been used, the priest said he was unsure. He did mention that it could be something he bought and gave me to eat, or something he used around his manhood and slept with me. “That’s why no matter how good a man is to you, the only person you desire is this ex of yours.” He then advised that I pray hard for the charm to be broken if not I wouldn’t move on and even if I did, my relationships wouldn’t be successful.

I have been praying for years now but I don’t feel liberated. When good men come my way I have no interest in them. The last time I heard from Thomas he had called me with an unknown number. As soon as I answered the phone he said, “Babe, I know you want me back. You are just proving stubborn to admit it.” I hung up before he could say anything more.

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The truth is he is not lying. It drives me crazy to think about him. After everything he put me through I want nothing to do with him but there is this force pulling me to submit to him. It’s taking every iota of discipline and determination I can muster for me to fight that urge to call and beg him to take me back.

I don’t know how much longer I have to keep praying and resisting the temptation of him before I am finally free from his clutches. That’s why I am here. I am looking for someone who is powerful spiritually to help me overcome this mountain. If you are reading this and you have any way you can liberate me from these shackles, please come to my rescue.

— Ifeoma

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