When we had Nhyira, our marriage was only two years old. She quickly became our love, the centre that held us together. We had a lot of love between us as a couple so it was easier to throw some around. My husband didn’t leave home because of Nhyira. He would carry her around, and learned to bathe and feed her. In the night when she was sleepless, my husband was up taking care of her. He made it easier so I always looked at him and thanked God for bringing him my way.

We wanted four kids and we wanted them in quick succession so we could take our hands off childbirth. The dream was to use the first seven years to have the four kids and use the rest of our lives catering to them. After Nhyira it became hard for us to have another. Two, three four years after trying, all we had was Nhyira. My husband got desperate while I was relying solely on God.

He cheated and I caught him. The girl was a fresh SHS graduate. When I looked at the girl and looked at my husband, every respect I had for him vanished but I felt we could work it out. So even when he didn’t apologize for his infidelity, I forgave him, hoping and praying it won’t happen again.

It did happen again and again with the same girl. It turned to disrespect anytime I brought it up. He would tell me, “You should be ashamed of yourself that a girl her age is taking your husband from you. Do you know how many babies we would have made if I gave her a chance?”

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He didn’t shy away from calling me out on my inability to give birth again. Any problem that arose in our marriage was because, “You can’t give me another child. What did you do with your womb when you were young?”

Through it all, he was a wonderful father to Nhyira. He would come home early, help with her homework, feed her, bathe her and tuck her in to sleep. He would only misbehave when Nhyira wasn’t around. Once our girl goes to bed, he would step out and not come until forever.

He would sleep very late but was the first to wake up to get the girl ready for school. He would bring her back home and continue taking care of her. Maybe it’s the reason I stayed in the marriage for so long. I told myself he would change once the second one came. I accepted I was the problem because why couldn’t I give him another child? When we went to bed, he would cling to Nhyira and leave me for the weather to devour.

Because of the way he treated our child, she got used to him. She won’t let me do anything for her until her dad comes home. When he was not around, she wouldn’t eat well. She would cry a lot, call his name and wait for him without sleeping. When he travelled, it became a long night for us. I had to stay up and soothe her with lies before she could sleep. And when he was coming back home from his cheating spree, he would carry a lot of gifts to bring to Nhyira.

When he started visiting his girlfriends with Nhyira was where I drew the line. Nhyira would come home with her hair plaited. She would say, “Aunt Franka did it for me.” What was in her hands was from Franka. Her new dress would come from Franka. Even school shoes.

I got up and started fighting for my marriage. I had always prayed his infidelity away but it got worse. I brought his parents in but he got violent. When I invited the church counselling committee into our affairs, he stopped going to church.

I told myself, “This can’t be a result of me not having a child. There’s more to it and I will find out.”

I found out Franka was pregnant for him and he was so happy about it from the look of things. I called his parents and told them what had happened. His dad asked me, “Are you not tired? We are tired ooo. He doesn’t even talk to us because of your marital issues. I know you’re strong and love God but there’s a point where warriors lay down the armor.”

My parents were equally tired so I decided to lay down my tools. The only problem for me now is Nhyira.

How do I explain divorce to a seven-year-old girl to understand? Especially, a girl who wants to be in her father’s arms every day? The sad thing is that my husband knows it and is using it against me. He said, “If you leave, I’ll take her away.”

I’m not scared about him taking her away. There are laws to take care of that but there are no laws to take care of the emotional situation of my daughter.

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If I leave, she’ll break down totally. If we stay a day without her father, she might cry until she falls sick. I can’t also leave her in the hands of her father. A dilemma I won’t wish on anyone. I love her and want the best for her but I don’t think the best is leaving her in the hands of her father. And the best is also not living with a man who has no respect for our marriage.

A dilemma I wish I could pray away but I need to act fast before things get out of hand.

— Ellen

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