He came into the picture when I was about to go to school. He’s a man someone introduced to my parents to help me get admission. The first time I met him, I knew he liked me. From the way he was going about things and how touchy he became, I suspected his intentions. So when he finally proposed to me after he had helped me get admission, I wasn’t surprised. I asked him, “But you’re a married man. How do we go about something knowing very well that it doesn’t have a future for both of us?” He smiled. He said, “You young girls think about the future too much. When you meet a man who is not married, what’s the guarantee that he would marry you? Of all the men who broke your heart, how many of them are married men? See, I’ll treat you well, better than these small guys can and you wouldn’t have to worry about anything.”

I said no but it didn’t stop him. He kept visiting me in my school, bringing me all the things I needed and even giving me pocket money. I needed these things because my parents were not in a position to provide them. He said, “I’m not your boyfriend but see the things I’m doing for you. Just imagine what else I can do if you say yes to me.” So I loosened up my resistance and eventually said yes to him.

There’s nothing this man won’t provide unless it’s something his wife doesn’t have. He told me from the start, “We are doing this but it doesn’t take away the fact that I still love my wife. I won’t give you what I haven’t provided for her so kindly loosened up your expectations to that level. That way, we won’t have to fight.” I felt disrespected somehow and I wasn’t going to keep quiet. I told him, “If you love your wife that much then why are we here? Why don’t you stick with her and leave me alone?” He said, “Fine.” 

I didn’t hear from him for a week. He was obviously angry. He didn’t pick up my calls and didn’t respond to my messages. I had to send him apologies in all formats; text, video and voice notes before this man finally agreed to speak to me. When he came back he told me, “Don’t bring my wife into our conversations. She’s not the one dating you. I am the one doing this with you so address me and leave my wife out.” I agreed but also told him not to bring his house issues into our conversations. That way, I wouldn’t have the opportunity to also respond.

The die was cast and the barrier drawn. But guess who broke the barriers, him. Whenever his wife gave him problems, he would come to me and offload everything on me. We could spend all night talking about his family issues and what his wife wasn’t doing right, yet I was not supposed to talk about his wife. And the annoying part is, a day or two after he had complained bitterly about his wife, he would post his wife’s photos everywhere on social media praising her and talking about how good his wife had been in his life. It gets me confused and also feel foolish. I told him, “If that’s the case then don’t talk about her to me.” He answered, “You’re the one I have so if I don’t talk to you about her, who else should I talk to?

We’ve been dating for the past two years and nothing has changed. He would come to me, have the best sex of his life and the next moment posts his wife and kids on his status and sing their praises. I’d come to love him very much because he’s a great guy. When this started, it was about the help I was getting from him but now it’s emotional. I love him and I wish he was my own but I can’t have him so I’m making use of what he brings to my table. My problem now is how to get him to shut up about his cheating wife.

One evening he called me on phone. It was around 11 pm. He was angry and sad at the same time. I asked what the problem was and he said, “She’s not home. She doesn’t answer my calls too. She would come home and give me all the excuses in this world. I swear that girl is cheating on me. Everything she does shows that she’s cheating on me.” He was emotionally down and I was left with no option but to console him and put his emotions at ease. It wasn’t easy. You could feel from the way he was talking that he was very depressed. He said, “I love my kids and they are the reason why I’m still here with this woman. Other than that I would have divorced her right from the very first time she did this to me.” I said, “Just have patience, she’s not doing anything bad.”

Right the next morning, he posted his wife’s photos on his Whatsapp status and captioned it, “When I count my blessings I count you thrice.”

Ahh! My heart. 

I was boiling deep inside and wanted to even block him. “A forty-seven-year-old man behaving like that?” It was time for me to tell him my mind. I said, “This should be the very last time you’ll come to me telling me about your wife. What kind of man are you? She’s cheating on you but you stay there and sing her praises? Is she the one who takes care of you?” He said, “If you can’t stand it, please block me.” I blocked him that very day. The next day he was in my house asking why I’d blocked him. He wanted sex and I said no and he walked away angrily.

The problem is, whenever he’s angry, he stops providing and he knows I will be miserable without his providence. I would usually come crawling to him whenever he withdraws from me. I do that very often but this time I told myself never to cave in. For a week we didn’t talk. It was going on for two weeks when he finally called me. He apologized for the first time and I knew I had won. I told him, “I’m not saying don’t praise your wife. I’m saying don’t do it after crying to me about her behaviour.” 

READ ALSO: I Want To Leave Him Before The Curses Start Working

He said he would do better. He even told me he was going to leave her because he had found evidence on her phone that she was cheating. I didn’t say anything because I knew he wasn’t going to do anything about it and he didn’t. Currently, every evening before he goes to sleep, he’ll post his wife and add words of prayer under the photo. I’ve stopped watching his status but I will see it on Facebook too. And the annoying part is the people who are using their marriage as the standard—as their marriage goals.

I still rely on his benevolence and I love him too, very much. That’s why everything he does hurts me. It even hurts me that his wife hurts him often. She doesn’t even respect him and from all indications, his wife has been cheating on him for a very long time. I’ve known him for three years and dated for two years but I’ve never cheated on him. Not that I feel I owe him that much but it’s not in my character to date more than one man at a time. I want to help him help himself but first, I want him to stop pretending on social media that everything is glossy in their marriage. I want him to stop posting those pictures of his wife with those lying captions. 

What can I do to help him know that he’s a better man and deserve better than his wife is serving him? He comes to me crying—totally broken because his wife is cheating on him. The very next day, he will start posting her. It even makes me feel like it’s his wife who had been using his phone to post that nonsense because a man who cried an hour ago can’t be all lovey-dovey in the next hour unless, of course, the wife has used juju on him. I’m worried for him and want to help him.     

—Aku

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