The last time was 2016. It’s now 2021 and I still can’t get him off my mind. I get emotional whenever thoughts of him come to mind. When I smell his perfume on a passer-by, I want him close. When I hear the songs both of us loved and sang along to, I remember the good days we spent together. Everything that happens around me brings a memory of him. It’s like the missing piece my heart is searching for. I’m not ashamed to admit that I loved him with everything within me. Everything was perfect with that guy.

I met him during my first year on campus and we both clicked. He was a continuing student—at level two hundred. That was the time our friendship began. It was the year 2011. He called often. He came around often to check up on me and did all the things that bring care into the lives of two adults. I didn’t have to ask him to do anything before he did. He was spontaneous and that swept me off my feet away. I remember our times at the hostel—We were both at the same hostel so life was very easy for us. I would bring my things to the laundry room to wash and he would bring his laundry too. We would wash in separate buckets while we sang along to our favorite reggae song or country music.  

What others said about us didn’t matter. We were in our own world, where the door was shut to the opinions of others. Fast forward…he completed school in 2013 and had to leave campus but that didn’t stop us from keeping in touch with each other. In 2014, I also completed. On the eve of my graduation, he proposed with a ring! I didn’t see it coming! Writing about it now reminds me of the feeling that came along with that proposal. Words can’t explain. If I say I was happy, it would be an understatement. If I say the feeling took me to the moon and back, that wouldn’t be far enough. I said yes to him and our relationship took a path where all I could see was the beauty of our future together. 

When I started my national service, we both made it a point to visit each other on some weekends or on holidays and we did. We ensured we saw each other before every month ended. After national service, I had a job in Accra and had to relocate. I remember telling him about it and I remember him telling me not to move to Accra. He thought it was a bad idea but my mind was already made up so I left for Accra. That was the point he also decided to go back to school. No matter the changes that came into our lives, we found ways around them. Nothing could stop us from being together until it all started to change. 

It started from his attitude towards the relationship. He started drifting away. I was the only one making the calls and putting in the effort to see him. He wouldn’t come to visit me unless I went to him. Sometimes I would tell him I was coming over and he would tell me, “Please don’t come. It’s not the right time to visit.” One day I brought his mind to the changes and he told me, “Things are not the way they are supposed to be because I’m not well. I’ve been sick.” I asked him, “What is the sickness about?” He answered, “You don’t need to know. I would be fine.”

It got tiring—being the only one putting in the effort for the relationship to work. He wouldn’t tell me what his sickness was about but I always went to the hospital with him to see the doctor whenever I knew about his appointment. One day he said, “I don’t think my condition would make it possible for us to settle down. The doctors are trying their best but it’s hard to see the future from here.” I asked him, “What are you suffering from that you can’t let me know? I’m your girlfriend for Christ’s sake. Why can’t you tell me what is wrong with you?” He said, “Just stay away from me.”  

He texted one evening asking me; “What’s that one thing that will make you walk away from me?” I was confused but I gave him an answer anyway. “You could go out there and have a child with another woman and I will still stay and love you. That’s the extent of the love I have for you.” I was ready to travel every distance to make it work. One day, while in public, I broke down and cried.” He said, “You’re embarrassing me. People are walking by and they would be wondering what I did to you. Stop it.” I cried because I was drained. I was tired. I felt helpless. I was ready to go the distance with him and all he did was to try and push me away. That was tiring. 

One early Monday morning I had a text from him;

“I never wanted you, I only felt pity for you that’s why I was with you. I’ll never forget what you did to me. I never want to see you again and there’s nothing for us to talk about”

Those words really hit hard. For a second I couldn’t move. I called and he declined my calls. I wanted to find out what triggered him to send that text. I knew I hadn’t done anything to deserve that kind of treatment.  I called and called but he didn’t pick up the calls. I picked myself up, dressed up, and went to work. I couldn’t control the tears while at work.  I spent most of my day in the washroom till I got back home. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t drink. I called and texted but he never answered. To make issues worse, he blocked me on Facebook. I knew the end had come so I hard to learn to move on though it hurt like hell. 

Not too long afterward, he traveled outside Ghana. I didn’t know until one day he called me on a video to check up on me. From that day on he kept calling me every day. I didn’t know what he wanted but it was like he was playing with the scab of my wounds. A year later, he came back to Ghana. He came to see me and that day I asked him the question I’d always wanted to ask him; “What did I do to deserve that breakup?”

There was some sort of regret in his voice when he said, “I don’t know what came over me that day. I just can’t explain.” I gave him back the ring he proposed to me with. I told him.  “It’s alright. I forgive you.” 

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I didn’t hear from him again until one day he called to invite me to his wedding. I told him, “I can’t come.” He asked, “Why can’t you. Please I want to see you there.” I told him, “I can’t.” His wedding day came and passed me by silently as though it was one of those ordinary days. I didn’t go and I didn’t bother. Once in a while, he called. I still needed an answer as to why he suddenly broke up with me. He still didn’t have an answer. When he tried to explain, nothing he said made sense. I wanted to know where I went wrong. I wanted him to look into my eyes and say what made him walk away. He didn’t have answers.

It’s been five years already. I still think of him. I miss him. I should hate him for what he did to me but anytime I think of him, there’s calm. There’s something I miss about him. There’s peace in my heart. Maybe that’s the reward I get for forgiving him that easily. Maybe. We haven’t spoken for two years now because I don’t want to stick around him when I know he’s married. After two years my heart should gather the pieces of what is left and move on but no. I think of him like I can’t get over him. Is there something I need to do to make this easier?

—AJ

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