Evans and I started dating when I was in SHS. This was in 2017. We were young but we knew we wanted to be together for the long haul. He spoke about marriage often. Of course, I wanted it. He was the only man who meant everything to me. 

Along the line, he came to see my family and performed the knocking rites. By then I had completed school. The next thing we had to do was start preparing for the engagement ceremony. We were talking about it, planning our budget, and contemplating a date. Everything seemed to be moving forward until it all came to a halt. 

It all began when Evans and my brother got into a misunderstanding a few months after the knocking ceremony. Unfortunately, things got heated to the point where my mother got involved. She took my brother’s side in the matter. Needless to say, this became a problem for my relationship. She refused to let Evans perform the rest of the marriage rites. 

I tried to get my mother to our side one more time but she wouldn’t budge. Every time I went to visit Evans, this woman wouldn’t talk to me for weeks. I didn’t like it when this happened so eventually I reduced the frequency of my visits. Sometimes I wouldn’t visit him for three months. This took a toll on our relationship.

I tried my best to keep it alive but with time, the relationship began to die. He stopped giving me attention and started chasing other women. It was painful to my heart to know these things but I couldn’t even be mad at him. Why hold on to me when my mother was determined to let us marry? So I didn’t try to leave him when I found out about the other women. 

I held on hoping to convince him I was worth the wait. It didn’t work. He continued entertaining his women while I was relegated to the shadows. At one point, he even told me about the women he was dating and showed me their pictures. That was when I knew I was holding onto a sinking ship. There was no hope. I found my way out immediately. 

From 2022 till now, our relationship was practically nonexistent. He brought one of the women, a nurse from another town, to stay with him. When I saw that he had moved on, I told my mum we should return his knocking drinks. She didn’t listen to me. She told me, “It’s just knocking. It’s not serious enough to require all these formalities you are asking us to perform.” I tried to persuade her but she was resolute in her stance.

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Now this is where I have a problem. A few days ago, Evans passed away. Although he was an ex, I was very sad to hear the news. This was a man I came close to marrying.

I went to offer my condolences to his family and returned to where I live in another region. The plan is to attend the funeral as a sympathizer but now things are looking someway.

His family reached out to me today. They said, “We want to put your name on his obituary as his wife.” I told them, “No, we never got married. Besides, we broke up two years ago.” I told them he moved on from me and was cohabiting with another woman. “Why don’t you use that lady’s name?” They refused.

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They said he didn’t introduce the lady to them. “We’ve seen her but we don’t know who she is to him. You are the one we know. We performed your knocking rites so that makes you his wife in our eyes.” They say this with conviction but I don’t see things their way. 

It’s my mother I blame for all this. If she had agreed for us to return the drinks as I suggested, I wouldn’t be contending this issue with Evans’ family today. They don’t even care that we were not together when he died. They just want him to have a wife on his obituary, and I am their ideal candidate. Am I being unreasonable for refusing this request?

I am honestly so confused. Please help a sister out.

— Love

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